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Can't get the truth, please help

(62 Posts)
TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 09:59:19

Hi all. Could do with your thoughts on this situation...Snooped on DP's phone ( yes, I'm a bastard for doing so) and found email from a woman I did not know, was very 'friendly' in tone, enough to make me feel suspicious. Without referencing this email, I asked if he knew her ( made up some convoluted story- don't want to say too much in case I out myself), he said no emphatically. Next time I checked, email was gone. Yes I'm an idiot as should have at least copied it. DP does not know I saw this email and I'm almost doubting myself, but I did see it. So, why would he strongly deny knowing this woman when he clearly does? Only nefarious reasons spring to mind. And what do I do next? If I say I saw email that admits my snooping, but I know he'd deny it anyway.
Please help

TheNaze73 Thu 18-Feb-16 10:07:16

Is there an underlying problem? Why on earth did you snoop on their phone?

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 10:12:02

that is the weird underlying reason I can think of, no evidence of past dodgy behaviour and yet I bloody looked. we used to share the email account for a while so I used to check the email account regularly but not for ages. I just thought I'd see if there was any mail for me....not a good excuse I know

FredaMayor Thu 18-Feb-16 11:24:56

No-one should beat themselves up about 'snooping' on DP's phone, for people who suspect infidelity looking at messages is about self-protection. There is nothing cool about being done over.

If you were to discover something that is to your material benefit when you are being deceived in a relationship it makes no sense to me that you should then apologise. confused

Cheaters can get all hot under the collar shouting 'private' 'personal space' or 'don't you trust me?' if they like, but it doesn't change things. It just makes them look more guilty. I've never come across a person who has nothing to hide who says that kind of thing.

Chinesealan Thu 18-Feb-16 11:34:57

Because you be confronted him, if he disease anything to hide, you're not going to find anything else for avid. Let it lie for a couple of weeks. Be friendly. When hid guard is down,check email and phone again. Don't confront him. If you find anything, copy it, keep it quiet and start your exit plan. Keep one step ahead.

Chinesealan Thu 18-Feb-16 11:35:39

Sorry about all those typos. Lazy editing.blush

Goingtobeawesome Thu 18-Feb-16 11:44:13


I was checking our joint email account the other day and saw an email from "Jenny." It wasn't for me, just curious as to how you know her...then shut up.

You weren't snooping on him. You were legitimately looking at your joint email account..

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 11:45:40

Thank you. My thoughts exactly, why bloody lie. I'm getting so very angry and cross with myself for letting him know. There is no good reason to lie is there? The fucker's up to something and unfortunately is a very good liar. Feel absolutely awful that he could do this

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 11:48:01

Awesome- we stopped using it as a joint account a while ago. He changed password so I can only access it on his phone. But I didn't ask, I just looked hence snooping.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 18-Feb-16 11:49:46

Doesn't matter that you stopped. Perfectly reasonable to wonder if anyone was still using it. You weren't snooping imho. Up to you if you want to think you are the one in the wrong.

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 11:52:32

I hadn't thought of it like that. And I know I'm not in the wrong, but I think DP is.I know his reaction will be to swear blind there wasn't one, innocent me etc.

Viviennemary Thu 18-Feb-16 11:55:57

If you haven't a reason to be suspicious you shouldn't have been snooping on his phone. If you have form for being jealous for no good reason (not saying you have of course) but that could be why he would deny knowing her. You are jumping to massive conclusions over one e-mail. Has he cheated before if so then you have good reason to not trust him. You must decide is it you or is it him being unreasonable. I would not like a partner snooping on my phone because they didn't trust me.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 18-Feb-16 12:34:08

Doesn't matter he will swear blind there was no email. You know there was one. You need to remind yourself you are in control of what you do, not him.

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 12:34:42

I don't have form for jealousy and I don't think I am jumping to conclusions. His denial of knowing her was so emphatic when he obviously did that it's raised a flag for me. And no, I wouldn't like it if a partner snooped as they didn't trust me but I also wouldn't like it if a partner was cheating on me. In which case I'd rather know, snooping or not.

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 12:37:05

Awesome- yes I am thank you. I needed to hear that. Just about to finish my doctoral training so has come at a bad time, but yes, my life and I'm in control.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 18-Feb-16 12:39:04

What did it say?

pinkcan Thu 18-Feb-16 12:41:31

I'd get rid of him unless you have kids together, in which case, I'd try harder to get to the truth and resolve one way or the other.

Gobbolino6 Thu 18-Feb-16 12:44:31

What did the email say?
I would be concerned that he's lied to your face about it.

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 12:45:26

I can't remember all of it as I didn't save it ( idiot) and I was upset reading it. Very friendly, flirty, talk about being able to ' speak freely'.
We don't have DC- too busy studying for years, but now I'm about to qualify he wants to get married and have DC. Which is very unlikely now.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Feb-16 12:47:05

Are you now in a position where you're about to earn more? Is this where his romantic notion of getting married is coming from?

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 12:48:50

He lied straight to my face- it actually reminded me of Clinton and his ' I did not have sexual relations with this woman' Schtick as it was so over emphasised. We've been together quite a few years and his reaction was so definite if I hadn't seen the email I would have believed him.

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 12:50:51

Imperial- I'm in a position where I will be earning a lot more. Financially I'm good, own my house, I'll be ok in that respect. His proposal was a few years ago (4) but I wanted to wait to qualify. Thank god.

DoBananasWearPajamas Thu 18-Feb-16 12:51:38

have you checked the deleted folder...?

dontcallmecis Thu 18-Feb-16 12:52:42

First things first....check the deleted messages folder.

TalesFromTheCity Thu 18-Feb-16 12:56:24

I checked the deleted folder and it wasn't there. He's not very good at IT stuff usually but it appears he has suddenly got better at it. Actually don't need his bullshit now as stressed with studying and I won't let his rubbish ruin it. So angry at him though, I just want the truth.

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