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Help. Advice. Wisdom?

(13 Posts)
MrsJuice Wed 17-Feb-16 22:20:56

I was a smug married.
I got sick (thyroid removal),and he looked after me. He loved my daughters from previous marriage, and his own too. Fab Daddy and Husband.
I've been in mental health hell. My perspective was that I just needed to get the hormones in balance. I have been paranoid and anxious. It's a lot to deal with, but he was amazing.
He wanted me to get help, but I'm against drugs to treat symptoms. At one point my daily migraines were being treated by three drugs - one a strong opiate.
I realised that I have an opiate intolerance due to escalating symptoms. I went cold turkey, and it was had, but my migraines stopped.
I just thought I'd get better, despite the constant tiredness. Meanwhile DH is coping with the mess.
I was working (financially necessary), but didn't have much to give when I came home. The financial situation was because we have been trying to sell another house, and it remains unsold. Big bills, big stress.
So much wearing us down.
He's left me. It became too much, and he wants to be happy. Life with me has been too hard.
I'm now alone with 3 children. He wants divorce. I did lots of unpleasant things at times, due to my insecurities. I admit my part in it all. I appreciate he was under exceptional stress.
He also witnessed a fatal car accident, maybe 12 months ago. He held a man as he died.
So much for one man to take. He can't take it anymore.

He's asking for divorce. I'd do anything to make us work, but he won't talk.
How do I cope with this. How do I make him understand?
I have been to the GP and accepted antidepressants. I'm referred for counseling.
I love him with every ounce of my spirit.

What can I do? Please hold my hand at least.
Thanks for listening.

Marchate Wed 17-Feb-16 22:33:06

Let the ADs and counselling take effect for a while. Then you will be able to assess your situation with more clarity

The past is gone. You can only deal with the present and plan for the future. Going over things won't help your mental health

Best wishes to you

MrsJuice Wed 17-Feb-16 23:11:40

I guess you're right. Thank you.
I'm now starting to wonder how someone so wonderful could just walk out on his child. Just go, and leave us to it. That's not the man I thought he was.

My children are amazing, and will bring me through this. He's made his choice, and I hope it gives him the happiness he seeks.

I'm hoping for happiness too. My children bring it in droves.

holeinmyheart Wed 17-Feb-16 23:13:40

You need time. You need time for the Meds to work and the counselling and treatment to kick in. You need time for him to see you have changed and that there is a future for him,with you.

So agree that you will give him a divorce in a year, but tell him that he needs to wait.
Meanwhile get your act together. No begging him to come back or grovelling. Preferably no seeing him for a bit either, as 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' you need a plan !

You remain calm and dignified at all times, cope well with the children, and get to the gym yourself and rebrand yourself.

In one year, he will either want you back, or the new gorgeous you, will have attracted a separate flock of admirers.

Marchate Wed 17-Feb-16 23:19:47

Without meaning to sound like a gender seperatist(!), don't look for happiness via a partner. Find contentment within yourself and with your children for now

Your man made a choice that has left you sad. Try not to compound the sadness. You were strong before you met him. You will be again

goddessofsmallthings Wed 17-Feb-16 23:33:51

Tell him you've been advised that, as you were both overtaken by circumstances beyond your control which have brought about the end of your relationship, the best way forward is to file for divorce by mutual consent after you have lived apart for 2 years.

Point out that by this time the other house may have sold, your finances will be easier to disentangle amicably, and that whatever childcare arrangements are in existence can be confirmed part of the divorce settlement.

The not inconsiderable advantage of divorcing by consent after 2 years separation is that you can conduct the process online for the cost of the court fees which are currently in the region of £410.

www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

holeinmyheart Thu 18-Feb-16 09:16:16

I am not in favour of finding happiness through someone else. Ideally if you are able to be happy alone it would be preferable. But you did say you love this man and you asked Mumsnetters what could you do to get him back.

Both of you have experienced a bad patch and you admit that your behaviour was deplorable( not your fault at all, as you were unwell and things were tough)

So stall on the divorce( you have received excellent advice on the divorce situation) stop navel gazing, exercise ( this helps with depression) stop seeing him, try and be cheerful and formulate a plan.
If you constantly text him, cry and beg when you see him, you are not giving either of you time to think.
He is a bit of a slob for leaving you but it seems as though both of you needed space to think. His leaving you has made you reevaluate your relationship, though.
So be cool, reasonable, and hopefully he will realise how much he misses you and the children.
Or whine and cry every time you see him and text him every ten seconds..... Mmmm you did that ......and it didn't work. So have a plan!

Every time you feel overcome by the need to text him, run up and down the stairs ten times or phone a friend, but don't do it!

QuiteLikely5 Thu 18-Feb-16 10:04:19

What you need to do now if you want him back or stand a chance is return to your former self

Seek help, take responsibility and see what happens

Sounds like the burden was too much for him

I have been in a similar set up and taking people for granted is never wise as their dedication only lasts so long

RaRaRamona Thu 18-Feb-16 13:49:55

If the OP were a man and had treated his partner this way, the majority of posters would advise her to LTB.
This man has put up with enough from you OP and could understandably take no more.
He hasn't left his children, he has left you.

MrsJuice Fri 19-Feb-16 03:37:32

He has left me, and walked away from the responsibilities. He wants to see the children in small blocks, dictated by him.
The day he left, he dropped our toddler at my Mum's, and disappeared.

Yes, illness puts a great strain on a relationship. We had discussed me taking part-time work, but the current financial situation does not allow it.
We are both exhausted. There is a lot of external shit happening. I didn't cause a lot of it, and I can't control how my physical health evolves. I fight it, as best I can, and we've been a decent team recently.

I have worried about his health, and asked him to see the GP. He refuses. He believes that my anxiety is a sign of 'madness'.
I am now medicated, but obviously it needs to kick in.

Perhaps leaving me will give him a break, and he thinks that there is happiness around the corner.
He's always loved me beyond my expectations. To suddenly 'switch off' seems odd. He seems to have reevaluated our entire relationship, and realised that I manipulated and belittled him throughout.
That's insane.
I have been so proud of his achievements, and adored him. We rarely argued. We have always pulled together in a crisis, and promised one another that we'd pull through.

I don't understand how he can give up now, without even discussing it with me. It's unbelievable.

I guess he did decide to LTB. Except I've been far from an unsupportive tosser. I just got ill, which restricted my capabilities.

MrsJuice Fri 19-Feb-16 03:43:32

Holeinmyheart. This confuses me:

If you constantly text him, cry and beg when you see him, you are not giving either of you time to think.
He is a bit of a slob for leaving you but it seems as though both of you needed space to think. His leaving you has made you reevaluate your relationship, though.
So be cool, reasonable, and hopefully he will realise how much he misses you and the children.
Or whine and cry every time you see him and text him every ten seconds..... Mmmm you did that ......and it didn't work. So have a plan!

I never alluded to such behaviour in my post.
I haven't seen him once, since he left.
Can you explain how you drew these conclusions?

Aussiemum78 Fri 19-Feb-16 03:49:25

Is your thyroid medication right? Is your anxiety caused by the wrong thyroid meds?

goddessofsmallthings Fri 19-Feb-16 04:17:54

He wants to see the children in small blocks, dictated by him

When it comes to the dc he doesn't get to dictate any terms that are not in their best interests, and they need to have the stability of regular contact with their df, say, staying over with him every other weekend and possibly a night in the week, and sharing their school holidays with both their dps.

I'm sad to say that the abrupt nature of his departure, coupled with his seeming reluctance to see his dc in anything other than 'small blocks', suggests that he may have an ow to whom he is devoting his free time and he doesn't want the dc to impinge on his new relationship.

You may be best advised to consult a solictor who specialises in divorce and family law sooner rather than later, OP, as his next move may be to petition to divorce citing your unreasonable behaviour - please note that I'm not saying your behaviour has been unreasonable but, as he can't proceed to divorce on the grounds of your adultery, this is only option open to him at the present time if he is minded to divorce you.

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