Wonder if I should go NC with my mum

[Believeitornot]

This has been bugging me for a while. Ice gradually been withdrawing from my mum as I've come to respect her less and less.

For example, I was sexually abused as a child and when I told her she didn't really seem bothered. Just made jokes about the perpetrators as being known for being "nonces" in the family.

I don't ever remember any affection from her. Hugs, kisses, nothing.

Inappropriate discussions with her (eg she asking teenage me if her latest boyfriend was attractive)

There's loads and loads more. Basically she left me and my siblings with her abusive boyfriend - she was suffering from undiagnosed bipolar and also alcoholism so went awol.

We were then taken in to care.

It all came to a head, in my head, at Christmas and I couldn't bring myself to visit with the DCs and basically just ignored all contact with her. We tentatively started up contact again.

However she sent me a message today about a news story re a girl who was molested in a shop. Just baldly "did you see that story". Yes mum I did

She had a tough childhood (orphaned at 4, her mum died in front of her, she was abused and sent to an orphanage) so I understand partly why she is the way she is. But then again I don't.

I feel like there's a huge amount for me to process but part of that is for me to go NC.

I'm rambling now - thanks for reading - I just wondered if anyone could tell me how they've felt doing this and was it hard? Did they regret it?

[Marchate]

Some people can't get to the other side after an abusive childhood. I expect your mum is stuck, but the consequences for you are too sad

Possibly minimal contact at the moment? Don't answer ridiculous texts etc, but bear in mind that her own sadness is probably severe. She's not entitled to ruin your life though

Keep NC in reserve in case you need it! I feel sad for you. And for everyone whose childhood was a mess

[springydaffs]

NC is such a severe step you'd probably be better off cutting contact right back but not cutting off altogether.

I do appreciate the situation you are in - my situation is not dissimilar. Ime my parents barely noticed when I cut contact right back. I couldn't cut them off altogether, even with all the history. They are very damaged people. Yy it's up to me to protect myself and I do that by keeping a very keen eye on my wellbeing. That and buckets of therapy.

[Believeitornot]

I have reduced contact all the way down to sporadic texts now. I've done it by making up flimsy excuses - which she buys. I suspect she knows how I feel so is relieved if I give a crap excuse (eg I've been busy at work) and accepts it without question.
I do think if I went NC it would lift such a burden from my mind. I was having mild panic attacks at the idea of having to endure the once a year Xmas visit.

But if I went NC then I think it would break her heart mentally. It would feel spiteful perhaps. Maybe I'll just stick to texting.

[Believeitornot]

And thank you for your replies!

[springydaffs]

I wouldn't spend Xmas with my parents - it's just to unrealistic to expect to survive it.

At one point my visits to my parents were 5-20 mins. It was all I could manage.

They have recently asked me to call them every day - after 3 days the panic is rising so I'll stop it. No explanation.

But I won't cut them off.

[Aussiebean]

I did the slow fade, now I send a birthday text and that's it. Although she never sent me one last birthday so I guess I'm off the hook there to.

You don't have to announce you non contact if you don't want to.

[Believeitornot]

I don't think I'd announce it. I've gone from visiting every week (which involved tears before and after) to visiting once a year to not visiting for over a year. So I'll just keep it as it is.

It is so sad but honestly I have never felt so ill and sick and stressed about anything as much as visiting my own mum. How awful is that?

[Rosenwyn1985]

Completely non contact for nearly three years here (similar situation to you, although not taken into care but went to family). Never been happier. Never liked my mum and wondered why the hell I bothered. Having my first son was the big one. Just suddenly realised I couldn't have him near her! Totally your choice though and you need to make it. But for my part it's been very freeing.