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is it really selfish...?

(17 Posts)
calamaricaptain Wed 17-Feb-16 13:07:32

To just not like being married?

I feel like I have lost all independence and enjoyment of life, but there's no real reason that should have happened. My husband doesn't stop me going out or doing things, and I do still do things, but I just don't get any enjoyment out of them when he's around (not meaning when he's physically present, buy just when he's in the picture).

In the last two years we've had a few spells where we've had to be in different countries for various reasons (work, health, visa issues etc), and it's usually been a month or two at a time that we've been apart. And I am SO happy when its just me (and our baby, under 1yr old).

So, am I just being selfish for enjoying my life more when he's not in it? I kinda thought when we got married that a husband and wife should add happiness to each other, not make life worse... But its not that he's even doing anything particularly awful to make me dislike being married to him, I just don't like being married and knowing he's in my life for ever.

Is this normal, or weird, or just something I'm going to have to deal with?!

bb888 Wed 17-Feb-16 13:20:33

Maybe its him that you don't like not the 'being married'?

Cabrinha Wed 17-Feb-16 13:30:44

You possibly went into marriage with unrealistic expectations. The day before and the day after a wedding you're still the same people. You don't suddenly start "adding happiness" cos you bought a marriage licence.

You sound like you made a mistake, and don't love him.

Thenightswatch Wed 17-Feb-16 13:35:59

I don't think it's being married that's your problem, I think it's who you married. Are you sure you love him?

I enjoy time on my own but my DH makes me much happier when he's around, if I felt like I didn't want him around and wasn't looking forward to him coming home, I'd be question my choice of husband.

firesidechat Wed 17-Feb-16 13:38:42

My honest opinion is that if this is your honest view of your marriage and not depression or some other issue talking, then you should probably end the marriage. I know that sounds extreme and i don't think I've ever said it on ere before, but you don't love him and it's not fair on him. Your husband can then find someone who does get pleasure from being with him.

firesidechat Wed 17-Feb-16 13:40:35

It's not normal in a loving relationship, just for the record.

expatinscotland Wed 17-Feb-16 13:53:34

Poor guy. Cut him loose so he can find someone who loves him.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 17-Feb-16 13:59:26

You are with the wrong man.

amarmai Wed 17-Feb-16 14:01:52

just had my belly laugh to start the day =thanks expat!
Op you are experiencing the truth of marriage= man's greatest invention and greatest con job on women. Get free and be happy.

expatinscotland Wed 17-Feb-16 14:08:14

Glad to be of service, amarmai hmm = whatever.

Thenightswatch Wed 17-Feb-16 14:12:06

Op you are experiencing the truth of marriage= man's greatest invention and greatest con job on women.* *

hmm who's truth is that? Certainly not mine

NerrSnerr Wed 17-Feb-16 14:13:18

I agree that you're not with the right man. You need to tell him the truth and go from there.

The truth of marriage. Really? I assume you'll tell me that I'm not happily married I'm just brainwashed by men to believe I am?

MidnightVelvetthe5th Wed 17-Feb-16 14:16:29

If you are happier when he's not there is there a reason for that that you haven't realised, for example he gets annoyed if you haven't done the washing up/cooked his meal/tidied the house etc etc. Is he putting pressure on you subtly & you enjoy that pressure not being there or you resent it?

To just not like being married doesn't make a lot of sense, as nothing really changes day to day. It sounds as though you have emotionally detached from him really, which isn't usual in a happy marriage.

FinallyHere Wed 17-Feb-16 14:27:07

Agreeing that it really matters to fi d out why you feel like this, that life is better when he is not around.

Is it his behaviour, how he is around the house (messy, neat, complaining etc) or is it really triggering something in your past, that means something to you.

I'm very sorry that you are feeling like this. For me, the test for whether i want to be in a relationship with anyone, is whether I enjoy myself more for having him around. Getting married was just a formality, which made lots of things easier. I certainly didn't feel different for being married.

Hope you find out why you feel like this.

TheNaze73 Wed 17-Feb-16 16:22:09

You're going to have to be cruel to be kind in my opinion. You've clearly married the wrong bloke. Let him go, so he can get the happiness he deserves & hopefully in time you will too.

pocketsaviour Wed 17-Feb-16 16:50:45

How long have you been together? Did this feeling start before you got pregnant?

FluffyPersian Wed 17-Feb-16 16:50:52

I kind of think that when I get married.. Nothing will change.

I’m really happy in my relationship now and I’m hoping I’ll be happy when I’m married.

I still expect to see my friends, my family, have my hobbies, enjoy my job… but also enjoy spending time and doing things with my Husband. As I won’t be changing my surname or title, literally nothing will change apart from he will become my legal next of kin.

I do kind of get what you mean in the sense that you are ‘tied’ to him from a legal perspective, however as horrible as it sounds…. If it doesn’t work, there’s always divorce, and therefore you’ll always have a ‘choice’. I really dislike being tied down to anyone or anything and commitment has scared me for years, however last year my partner demonstrated what a lovely, caring, wonderful man he was in such a massive way, it was almost a ‘lightbulb’ moment of ‘Why am I so scared? He’s lovely and I want to spend the rest of my life with him’ … so finally I proposed to him on boxing day.

I don’t think it’s selfish per se, but I do wonder what the root cause is of your feelings.. even though you say ‘nothing has changed with him’…

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