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Birth on a death anniversary (family relationship problem)

(6 Posts)
WalkingBlind Wed 17-Feb-16 07:09:06

I just wanted opinions on if I am being insensitive or if my relatives aren't thinking straight due to grief...?

Sadly a close family member passed at a very young age, still a child, double figures. The whole family was obviously devastated and even though it was many years ago some members (the parents obviously but others too) haven't really progressed much with the grieving process. Which I totally understand as I can't think of anything more devastating.

Unfortunately for them, in their eyes (I don't see it personally) my daughter when she was born bared some resemblance and they couldn't be near her without crying (but still had quite a go at me for not seeing them enough with her, I didn't want her confused as to why they were all upset with her, she would get quite stressed).

Now I am due another child the same week as the anniversary of the death. I was told it would be unfortunate if they were born on the same day and everyone would be upset and struggle to cope. I agree it wouldn't be my choice but I can't exactly cross my legs hmm So it does look as though there's a high chance of me giving birth on the day and I'm now worried about everyone shunning me/the kids again or getting too emotional about things out of my kids control (like their hair colour or birthday).

I didn't do this to them on purpose and they aren't this way with any of the other children in the family born before or after sad How do I deal with their reactions? Has anyone suffered a loss that could advice me how to best be sensitive about the issue?

I still don't want all the crying/awkward behaviour around my confused children who think they've done something wrong.... (this isn't an assumption this has happened repeatedly with my daughter) but I don't expect anyone to be able to control their emotions rationally with such a heartbreaking thing.

I'd just like to think, heaven forbid I was ever unfortunate enough to be in a similar position that I would try and act as normal as possible around the little ones for their benefit sad They have no intention of doing this it seems and appear quite mad at the fact I might dare give birth on the same day.

I really don't want to "take" their day but it's not exactly something I can change and I'm being treated like I can.

I don't understand their grief fully and hope I never do in all honesty, I can't think of anything worse to go through in life. But it really isn't my kids fault and they shouldn't be made to feel guilty surely.

Offred Wed 17-Feb-16 07:14:07

I think you are right to keep your kids away TBH.

Your priority is making sure your children are safe and happy and anyone who detracts from that needs to be kept away.

The reason is unimportant.

rainbowstardrops Wed 17-Feb-16 07:20:21

No of course your children shouldn't be made to feel guilty because they haven't done anything wrong!

You shouldn't be made to feel guilty either about your possible due date - it's not like you chose it!

The family are clearly still grieving deeply though and that must be horrendous. You said your family member died many years ago so did the parents receive any grief counselling or anything?

Am I right in thinking that one of the grieving parents is your brother or sister and that's why your child my have similarities?

Losing your child must be the worst thing in the world and my heart goes out to them but your children will become frightened and confused if they're met with tears everytime they see them. sad

Jw35 Wed 17-Feb-16 07:20:27

Your children's date of birth or family resemblance have nothing to do with the child who died. It's ridiculous for family to make you feel shit about events outside your control. Your baby's birth should be a time me for celebration. Any similarities between your children and the child who died should be a lovely reminder.

cathpip Wed 17-Feb-16 07:42:30

My 3 year old dd died 22 months ago, her baby brother was 10 days old, we celebrate his birthday, yes it's an emotional time but it's not his fault and any tears get put away because a birthday is a celebration. Also all of her siblings bare a striking resemblance to her which is very comforting. A new life is always a blessing, and yes I admit that when my sister had twin girls 4 months after my dd's death I was jealous and very upset, she got two girls and my only dd was gone. These feelings have gone now and I adore my nieces unconditionally. Everybody grieves differently and there is no time restriction but it is deeply unfair to you and your dc, you have not tried to hijack this particular date and maybe a gentle reminder but not directly to the parents wouldn't go amiss.......

gillybeandramaqueen Wed 17-Feb-16 07:44:10

Keep away... life is for the living... xxx

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