Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I being naive....?

(33 Posts)
isthismylifenow Wed 17-Feb-16 07:02:15

Short backstory: recently separated, with sxtbh for 28 years and married for 20 so met when I was very young. Never had any partners prior to him.

So my radar is a bit off these days, I am most definitely not ready to be meeting anyone else, just needing some time for me now, to find myself (which is silly coz I don't even know what I like and don't like, it was always want dh did or didn't)...

So I got chatting on messaging with a dad from my sons class. It started over a homework issue, and over a few weeks we message every now and then, just to say hi etc. He is divorced too, quite a messy one at that. So he chatted to me about that and I chatted about my separation.

He asked me if he could ask me something quite personal, I said ok but that if I didn't want to answer then I wouldn't. So he asked me if I think that my during my marriage, I feel that I was treated well as a wife. I asked him in what context he meant (as my stbxh had affairs so I wouldn't say I was treated well or respected but I didn't tell him that). So he asked me if my stbxh ever did little things like willingly ran me a bath, lit a candle in there and gave me massages etc. I said no, as its the truth. His reply was shocked emoticon and reply was along the lines of "that just isn't right, not right at all, cant believe that, its not right". etc etc.

So, as I don't know any different..... is that normal? Did/does dh do that for you, without you asking..... Because he seemed to think that was a normal thing for a husband to do....

Was it flirting, he didn't offer to come over and give a massage wink he just seemed upset about my reply to his question.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but now I am thinking about what else I have missed out on all these years, that is supposed to be "normal".

Doingmyheadin2016 Wed 17-Feb-16 07:07:20

Definitely not the norm in my marriage (divorced now mind.)

What he's trying to say is, if I were with you this is what I would do, trying to paint an impressive picture of himself, hint hint. So yes he is flirting.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 17-Feb-16 07:07:59

There are several distinct issues here: you processing your relationship with your ex, and your interactions with that other dad. Probably a good idea not to blend them.

No, your ex probably was not a lovely generous soul, hence your separation. DO speak to a therapist, and to good and trusted friends, about your feelings surrounding that. DO NOT share these emotional issues with random men who may or may not be trying to get into your pants.

As for interactions with schoolgate dad: keep them civil, and infrequent. As you say, it's time for you to discover your own self. Wounded men still processing their own divorce, and possibly looking for a replacement, are not the safest of friends for you right now.

bb888 Wed 17-Feb-16 07:25:10

Its flirting and him saying 'if I was with you I would be like this' but him asking that in that way would put me right off him, as it is manipulative and so obviously false.
If he thinks that sort of thing is so normal that he is shocked that it didn't happen then why did he go out of his way to ask you about it?

It seems like you would benefit in investing a bit of time in getting strong on your own, rather that get sucked into something with someone else. If worst came to the worst could you handle another break up in a few months with someone you have to see at the school gates?

Helmetbymidnight Wed 17-Feb-16 07:33:33

I think he's flirting too.

Does dh run me a bath and then light a candle in there?

No grin

This guy sounds obsessed with baths!

TheNaze73 Wed 17-Feb-16 07:43:14

I'd stear well clear. He's trying, in a really bad way, to manipulate you into liking him

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Wed 17-Feb-16 07:49:56

Read RiceKrispies post again. It's spot on.

Even if you recognise yourself as vulnerable, it will be another couple of years before you understand just how vulnerable you are.

Cabrinha Wed 17-Feb-16 08:10:14

I've had a number of good, happy, respectful, caring relationships that ultimately ended.

In none of those good relationships has a man ever run me a bath with a candle in it.

And frankly, thank fuck for that. If a man did that, I'd actually find it a tired cliché and that he hadn't actually considered what would be a loving action for me as an individual.

Don't let someone else's idea of a good relationship colour your view - work out what you want yourself.

I work away a lot - my last boyfriend used to put my bin out on bin day if he was passing my house (often did) when I was away. He actually still does sometimes! He'd not have lit a candle in the bathroom for me in a million years!

Seriouslyffs Wed 17-Feb-16 08:13:50

He's flirting. And lovely relationships sometimes times don't include bath running.
Cabrinha exboyf sounds lovely. I hope you've both got someone even better.

WilLiAmHerschel Wed 17-Feb-16 08:14:19

Dp would possibly run me a bath if I asked him but he wouldn't stick a candle in there or rub my back!

Helmetbymidnight Wed 17-Feb-16 08:18:58

Yes I dislike it when people have this fixed view of 'what is romantic' that has nothing to do with the other persons opinion/attitude/desires at all.

ddeemummy Wed 17-Feb-16 08:23:00

Sounds like hes offering his services but in a really cringey sort of way. I wouldnt tell him anything too personal as you hardly know him.

For the record things like hes mentioned are not an everyday occurance in our house when we first moved in together was a different story but novelty soon wore off I have to be poorly/ stressed / special occasion now

Babymamamama Wed 17-Feb-16 08:37:19

Oh bless him poor guy. I think he's trying to tell op that if he was very had the chance he would treat op like a princess. Bet he's a bit gentlemanly and old fashioned. Sounds like you aren't ready to start dating op. But there's nothing wrong with having some male friends in the meantime to go to the cinema with or whatever. One day hopefully you will be ready to move on. My dad was similar to your stbxh. Affairs etc. After a break my mum met my gorgeous step father who was much better husband to her than my dad ever was.

Trills Wed 17-Feb-16 08:40:59

him asking that in that way would put me right off him

I agree with bb888

Marchate Wed 17-Feb-16 08:46:41

Keep your distance! He knows you are vulnerable/fragile even if you don't see it in yourself

That's a very controlling chat up line. On a DV course we were taugh to be slightly wary of those perfect, charming school dads. They're not always what they seem. If he tells all the mums how controlling, cruel, harsh his ex was, run a mile!

isthismylifenow Wed 17-Feb-16 12:54:13

If he tells all the mums how controlling, cruel, harsh his ex was

Oh yes, I know all about her, even the awful nicknames he has for her....

Gosh. This thread has been an eye opener. I really am quite naïve it seems.

I really am not ready to start dating, but having a few more friends wouldn't harm. Clearly he isn't thinking about just being friends.....

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Feb-16 12:58:51

I bet if you asked his wife, she'd say nobody had done that for her, either!

Quietwhenreading Wed 17-Feb-16 13:02:08

My DH and I have been very happily married for nearly 20 years. So happily in fact that other women comment (positively) on our relationship.

My DH is absolutely lovely and does all sorts of nice, thoughtful things for me but in all that time together he's run me about 3 baths, (all when I was too ill to do it for myself) and I'd think he'd lost the plot if he lit a candle.

Partners should do nice thoughtful things for each other but there isn't a script for what that constitutes.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 17-Feb-16 13:05:01

Hi op

I echo what others have said its a weird question to ask first off, and it's meant to make you think or show him in an exceptionally good light, using a shocked emoticon is really pathetic and childish.

No one runs me a bath and candles make my sinuses hurt, I'm my own woman, if I'm so feeble I can't run a bath or Ill, dh would be more than happy to.

Give matey here a swerve he's setting up groundwork to reel you in angry

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Wed 17-Feb-16 13:11:22

It's a lame and manipulative form of flirting. If you don't want to date him (and you probably shouldn't) ease off on the messaging.

isthismylifenow Wed 17-Feb-16 13:21:12

If you don't want to date him (and you probably shouldn't) ease off on the messaging

Yes, definitely will do that. Its annoying though. He really is a nice guy, and I would like to be friends. But it seems that now as a single women, showing some sort of interest (I didn't ever flirt, just general talk) in a single man is going to give off the wrong impression. I have known him a bit for some time through school events etc, he was over our house whilst I was still with stbxh to drop of his son, and he always seemed pleasant enough.

Sad though, that being friendly seems to be taken as I want more than that.

abbsismyhero Wed 17-Feb-16 13:33:54

see my ex says this to women too and he has never run me a bath or gave me a massage all he did was offer me a back rub and demand sex instead he calls me all the names under the sun tells my school friends im struggling with my children and woe is me bullshit reality is he tells my son to misbehave for me he tells my son to kick off for the babysitter so i can't learn to drive because only daddy can drive mommy shouldn't learn "its wrong"

yet he goes on to people how wonderful his relationship is with his boys how close they are (for less than 6 hours a week) and how much of a wonderful father he really is

some people know he was arrested for sexual assault on a minor child and that's why we split and why i avoid him they also know how much he is controlling and how he continues to try and control me (cancer scares to stop me taking my theory being "late" when ive got a lesson suddenly developing the flu etc etc) they also know i never cheated on him (he claims i did) he is a very pathetic figure at the school gate (woe is me sad)

be very careful especially if he dehumanises her calling her names like it and shit my ex her she etc if he never uses her name she is so much easier to abuse

Marchate Wed 17-Feb-16 13:54:35

Truly, he will not enhance your life even as a friend. He probably controlled his ex. She was fortunate to get away. Why does he have custody (if he does)?

Sadly, someone will be taken in by him (and his candles). Thank goodness you had suspicion enough to ask

Btw, friendships build over time. Instant friends, just add water are probably best avoided - female or male. Join something you & your son can enjoy together. Like minded people often connect over a shared activity

hellsbellsmelons Wed 17-Feb-16 14:09:22

My OH does nice things for me.
I get tea in bed at the weekends. Breakfast. He cooks a lot. He's great at DIY.
If we had a bath (we will again soon - yeah) then yes he would run one for me. But the candle wouldn't be happening.

I think it's nice you seem to be getting some attention but take it all with a pinch of salt right now.
I've done the rebound thing and it's no fun at all.

Get out and join clubs and meet people and really find who you are.
It takes a while, I can tell you. But you'll get there.

slug Wed 17-Feb-16 14:26:59

His ExW probably told him at some point during the divorce that he didn't treat her well during their marriage. He's focused on the fact that once he poured his wife a bath. There may have been candles involved. She may or may not have welcomed it. That, in his mind, makes him a "nice guy" who treated her well.

What he's asking you to do here is confirm this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now