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Single Mum feeling very guilty.

(8 Posts)
needhelpandadvice Tue 16-Feb-16 21:45:25

My H and I separated in Oct last year more his decision, he left early Nov into his own house.

We don't speak very much at all, he sees our DD once a week for 3 hours and contributes £50 per month.

I have met someone else and we have been getting on great but still taking it slow.

My mum babysits so we can get a few hours alone per week, and he has not met my DD, but he does know about her.

But I feel so guilty as I would like to spend more time with him but this means sacrificing some time without my DD. Would it be fair to suggest H perhaps takes DD for tea once a weekend or even an overnight stay once a fortnight?

Im not trying to get rid of her, its just I work f/t, and don't really get anytime to myself as I also care for a very elderly relative.

Claraoswald36 Tue 16-Feb-16 22:08:44

Yanbu. Her dad should be having her more and pulling his weight. Lone parents need a break for whatever reason plus he should be building a relationship with her. £50 is low is that his assessed contribution?

needhelpandadvice Tue 16-Feb-16 22:15:54

Thanks, I was wondering if I was being selfish and then the guilt kicked in as I am her mum first and foremost, he has the free life now.

No that's not the assessed amount, its what he has decided to pay and for a quiet life I don't bother to ask for more.

scarlets Tue 16-Feb-16 22:16:24

Your ex is not pulling his weight, financially or practically. Yanbu. Time to renegotiate.

springydaffs Tue 16-Feb-16 22:53:53

Bloody hell. He's paying £600pa shock

What do you mean when you say you put up with it for a 'quiet life'?

sassymuffin Wed 17-Feb-16 10:08:33

Please don't feel guilty at all!

Unless your ex is unemployed or on a very low income you may find he should be paying considerably more. It only works out to just over £11.50 per week over the course of a year and the current rate of child benefit off the government is more than that for a first child!

Would you consider using the child maintenance agency or at least using their calculator to estimate what he should be paying?

Your ex husband is definitely not pulling his weight practically either. There is nothing wrong with your daughter staying overnight with her father and he should be offering it shouldn't be you asking. In my opinion he is taking the total piss.

It may be time to go down a more formal route re your separation to secure maintenance and have a more balanced access arrangement. Both these things don't have to be agreed in court but can be sorted out via mediation, and both these things are also about responsibly raising a child together something your ex doesn't seem to be understanding.

You deserve and need some me time and you shouldn't feel bad about that at all. To be honest you should feel annoyed that you are in a position where you have to tell your ex to step up to the plate and be a father.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 17-Feb-16 10:27:51

Do you know what sort of salary your Ex earns?
If so then work out what he SHOULD be paying HERE
You can go via CMS to get this resolved you do not have to deal with him yourself.
On top of that he should have your DD every other weekend.
Whether that is Friday to Sunday or Saturday to Sunday is up to you to decide together.
I think you probably have a dead beat Ex who can't be arsed so not sure how far you'll get with that.
Are you Ex's grandparents involved at all? Would they want to help out?
What is your Ex's living arrangements?

You are certainly entitled to your own life
Your Ex should be sharing care of your DD

Don't feel guilty. We all need to be something other than a 'mum'

needhelpandadvice Wed 17-Feb-16 20:47:06

I know roughly what he earns but unfortunately he works for one of his friends and the figures I feel will be manipulated to suit.

He has never made an attempt to have her more and I have been discussing it with DD and she says she doesn't want to spend more time with him, probably I feel as she isn't that used to him now.

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