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Husband working away with female colleague, would you be ok with this?

(293 Posts)
baubloxx Tue 16-Feb-16 20:35:36

My husband’s current project involves him staying away 4 nights a week in a hotel and a woman from his team does the same. He has always told me that they have dinner together but at the weekend dropped in ‘we watched that’ about a TV programme then said that sometimes they watch TV together in one of their rooms.

I didn’t say anything at the time but have been thinking about it since and the more I do the more I don’t like it. I trust him that he wouldn’t do anything and sees this as innocently keeping each other company but spending every evening together, sometimes in a private hotel room feels too intimate. Am I being silly or would this bother other people?

Scarftown Tue 16-Feb-16 20:37:52

It would bother me. But then that sounds very similar to how my ex ended up with his wife.

BIWI Tue 16-Feb-16 20:38:19

Yes you're being silly.

They have to work away for four nights a week. As someone who does a fair bit of travelling with work (although not that much) I can tell you that even in the grandest of hotels, it's pretty shit after a while. The novelty soon wears off, and being away from my home, husband, DC and cats can become really quite miserable.

If I was with a colleague I'd jump at the chance of socialising with them. But equally, I wouldn't always want to be in a bar!

Most hotel rooms these days have a sofa or a couple of comfy chairs, so I doubt very much they'll be lying on the bed together.

However - do you have a reason to mistrust him?

Helmetbymidnight Tue 16-Feb-16 20:41:08

Dh wouldn't go back to a woman's room or have one to his. (So far as I know!)

He knows I wouldn't like it.

janethegirl2 Tue 16-Feb-16 20:43:58

No way id get into a relationship with work colleagues, but I'd watch tv with them. I know too much about them to get involved.

BabyGanoush Tue 16-Feb-16 20:45:18

It depends.

I am going to get slated for this, but:

If it's a nice mumsy 60yr old woman I'd be fine

If it is this needy single desperate-looking-for-a-man-to save her divorcee in her 30s I'd be more wary

These are real colleagues DH travels with btw

Then again, I don't tell him not to.

But I feel a bit more "on guard" with the second one.

In Your dh situation, it could be slightly inappropriate to spend time together in one of their bedrooms imo

dementedma Tue 16-Feb-16 20:48:24

Wouldn't bother me

Teaandcakeat8 Tue 16-Feb-16 20:49:18

I think the TV watching together is odd. I work away with work quite a bit and whilst my colleagues and I go out to eat etc, I don't think any of them or I would go into another's hotel room. That just feels like crossing a boundary to be honest. My colleagues and I use the hotel rooms as an escape from each other and most of us go to bed to catch up on work, unwind, phone our loved ones. I would find it very odd if one of them came into my room. Why can't they just socialise in the bar/lounge?

Did he definitely go into her room to watch it? What kind of hotel is it?

Sorry but I would be wary.

Tiredemma Tue 16-Feb-16 20:50:16

I wouldnt mind the dinner.

I wouldnt like the watching TV together in one of the rooms, that seems to 'close' to me.

museumum Tue 16-Feb-16 20:50:25

No way would I sit alone four nights a week while a friend and colleague sits alone next door just to be seen to be "appropriate". But then no way would I sleep with a work colleague. I didn't even when I was single.
I wouldn't expect my dh to behave any differently than I would.

bjrce Tue 16-Feb-16 20:51:56

How much for you know about this colleague?
How old is she?
What's her set up? She may well be happily married with young dc and having to go on these work trips is a massive pain in the arse, I remember that well!

ceecee32 Tue 16-Feb-16 20:52:29

I also think that you are being silly - if there was anything inappropriate happening I think it unlikely that you would even know she was there, let alone that they eat together or watch TV.

It is a lonely life working away all the time, it is nice to eat a meal with someone and for all you know if it is a small hotel they may have a TV lounge.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 16-Feb-16 20:53:09

I'd be a bit miffed at the thought of dh sitting cosily watching telly with another woman in their room.

Believeitornot Tue 16-Feb-16 20:53:32

I've worked away with colleagues a lot and we never watched tv together in hotels. Never!

TheRadiantAerynSun Tue 16-Feb-16 20:54:08

I work away with male colleagues (though not that kind of length) we always eat dinner together, but I can't imagine having one of them in my room (or going to theirs) for any reason.

Maybe in a longer term arrangement it might become more natural because hotels and hotel bars are pretty grim places, but so is sitting on your own in your room.

Dunno, can't imagine it.

eastpregnant Tue 16-Feb-16 20:54:56

I don't think it would bother me that much. I trust my DH. Having said that, I don't think I'd go back to a male colleague's hotel room. You can never be 100% sure they see the relationship as purely platonic and they might take it as a signal you want more than friendship. Which would be really, really awkward!

Theendispie Tue 16-Feb-16 20:55:45

People either trust their partners or they don't. My DH has worked all over the world, if at any point I was getting really worried it would be over as I would not want to live with those feelings.

To quote my Mother if a man is going to be unfaithful he will be and it makes not a bit of difference how much we worry about it.

tellmemore1982 Tue 16-Feb-16 20:56:38

I used to work away from home a lot, mostly travelled with men (mostly partnered up or married). I was single for much of the time not that that matters.

I had dinner frequently with colleagues, sometimes just two of us, sometimes a group, sometimes with clients. I rarely had dinner with anyone I didn't enjoy spending time with, it's perfectly acceptable to be the one who likes a bit of time to yourself or has work to catch up on in the evenings.

It is absolutely not acceptable and completely against all normal business companion protocol or etiquette (if there is such a thing) to go into each other's hotel rooms. Even my female colleagues I would always meet at the bar for a drink.

It's also unacceptable that he has been doing this and not telling you OP. I'm really sorry but you need to have a very clear conversation on boundaries. Your relationship obviously requires a high degree of trust given that you spend so much time apart, I don't think you should be having to lie awake wondering whether they're in the same room and if they are, whether it's platonic.

It's only going to eat you up, you must address this.

Teaandcakeat8 Tue 16-Feb-16 20:57:30

Forgot to say. I work away for up to a whole week at a time. Far from being lonely with that amount of time spent together my colleagues and I are usually desperate to escape each other!

I just can't imagine ever going into their room... Being surrounded by all their stuff... It's too intimate

DadOnIce Tue 16-Feb-16 20:57:36


Your DH is not of an adulterous nature, in which case you have no need to worry about him being in the same room with heterosexual people of a female persuasion other than you


Your DH is of an adulterous nature, in which case you should be worried about him any time, not just when he happens to be working away with female colleagues. And he'll probably be up to it with someone you don't even suspect.

I don't think there is a middle scenario where he is a straight-up decent guy in normal circumstances but, because he happens to be lured into late-night TV-watching trysts with this brazen Jezebel colleague, he is therefore going to lose all control of his otherwise reliable penis.

sonjadog Tue 16-Feb-16 20:59:01

I can see why you are wondering, but I can also see why it is a natural thing for them to do. If they are away every week for four nights, it sounds pretty miserable to have to sit alone for hours in your room every evening when there is someone you could spend time with close by.

Believeitornot Tue 16-Feb-16 21:01:41

People either trust their partners or they don't

Unless they do something to question that trust.

Marchate Tue 16-Feb-16 21:02:07

If 'we watched that' is verbatim, I would shudder. Watching telly is one thing; referring to himself and the colleague as 'we' is another

But I'm very interested in the words & expressions people use

StealthPolarBear Tue 16-Feb-16 21:05:30

Do people not use the time when they're staying a hotel to work? Might just be me but I can't imagine wasting time being bored or sitting lonely in my hotel room. I always could do with the extra overtime! !

mammmamia Tue 16-Feb-16 21:06:52

On the fence with this one. I have worked away a lot pre DC and often in a group would all go to one person's room to watch TV - something like the Apprentice that everyone was following and was fun to watch together.
I'm not sure I would go to one male colleague's room and watch TV. Too intimate. I would happily have dinner or drinks with male colleague alone and have done many many times - lots of them are good friends now.

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