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Trying to stay strong

(12 Posts)
nearlyhadenough Tue 16-Feb-16 16:07:49

Today is so hard, I have no energy and am just sat here unable to do anything.

Don't know how I am going to get through the next couple of days. Luckily it is half term so no work for me. Now that H knows I want a divorce he is being so, I don't know.... nice, maybe? But I know he is playing games.

Says he will do X or Y - but never does.....

He is telling me of his 'grand plan' that he had for our future - how wonderful it could be.

I need to stay strong and stick to my plans, not give in to him - again. But how? How do I move forward and keep going when he won't accept it's over, he won't move out (or even think about it) and just keeps telling me how things will be in the future for us?

I've been hearing the same things for 15+ years. It has to end.

This along with the first anniversary of my dad's death on Thursday is tearing me apart. All I want to do is sleep and cry.

Iamdobby63 Tue 16-Feb-16 16:14:15

I'm so sorry about you Dad hugs to you

Have you started divorce proceedings? First step is to lead separate lives so he knows you mean it. Separate beds, meals, washing etc.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Feb-16 16:32:54

But I know he is playing games

Of course he's playing games and trying to fuck with your head because he's a self-entitled twat who doesn't like the thought of any woman getting away from him. Please note that I've said 'any woman' rather than 'you' because you don't mean anything to him other than the convenience of having his domestic and sexual needs catered for.

Expect him to up the ante to a point where his 'niceness' will become nauseating, and be prepared for him to turn nasty when he's served with your petition to divorce - you have got divorce proceedings under way, haven't you?

flowers I'm so sorry you lost your dear dad but draw strength from his memory - I know he's telling you that life's far too short for you stay in your unhappy marriage a moment longer than you need to.

kittybiscuits Tue 16-Feb-16 16:36:49

You've sampled 15 years of reality with this person. And now he wants you to think it was about to all turn magical with fairy dust and unicorns? Stick to your guns. Sorry about your Dad flowers

nearlyhadenough Tue 16-Feb-16 16:56:28

Thank you all for your kind words regarding my dad.

I have seen a solicitor - H doesn't want a divorce.

23 years of marriage - 15 years of being unhappy, and now I also know that I was controlled ( e.g. H doesn't like my friends - so I don't have any) and possibly emotionally abused (H withholding sex/intimacy, telling me I am mad and imagining things.

I feel so low that I went to the Doctor yesterday (I had made the appointment weeks ago to sort out my medication) - I wanted to sit and cry and explain about feeling tired and sick, about the anxiety that grips tightly around my chest when H is in the house. But I was too scared - because if H found out he would say I was weak and stupid and use it against me every way he could.

I struggled with work last week, but at least I had a reason to get up.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Feb-16 17:15:16

There's nothing worse than being scared in your own home.

Please make contact with Women's Aid as they will understand what you're going through and will help you break free of this controlling and abusive arsehole.

You will have a much more rewarding life when you have no need to walk on eggshells around this twunt. Take it one day at a time and know that your dad wants you to be happy.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Feb-16 17:42:48

What your h wants or doesn't want is immaterial. It's what YOU want that matters and you have the right to divorce him for his uneasonable behaviour.

Have you instructed a solciitor to file your petition to divorce? If not please do so asap and know that, regardless of any objections your h may have, you WILL become a free woman again.

bb888 Tue 16-Feb-16 17:49:04

How awful for you. File for a divorce, and stop doing anything at all for him in the house. No cooking, no laundry.
Is there a spare room that you could move into? Could you move out?

Marchate Tue 16-Feb-16 17:54:56

Although it's not your top priority, I would go to the doctor again and try to say what you couldn't the last time. Even if you only say 'I wanted to talk about something but I couldn't manage', she'll prompt you and it won't be as difficult as you imagine

It may open up other sources of support, who can tell?

nearlyhadenough Tue 16-Feb-16 18:47:35

H has come home to tell me that he loves me and wants to do anything that he can to save our marriage.

He has cancelled an appointment with a solicitor for tomorrow (don't know if I believe he made one).

Why does he do this? But, I do know, don't I? It's so that if I do continue then I will be the one that broke up the family etc. etc. More game playing to make me feel bad, I am the unreasonable one.

Someone give me strength to do this.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Feb-16 19:02:21

If he made an appointment to see a solicitor tomorrow, regardless of what he tells you, he won't have cancelled it.

Tell him that as far as you're concerned your marriage is over and that there is nothing he can do to save it.

Spell it out to him and know that you can reject any labels he tries to pin on you with regard to 'breaking up the family' as it's his behaviour that has driven you to end your marriage.

Don't be taken in by any of his blandishments as this man won't change and you'll see another side of him when he realises that you mean business and you're not going to roll over for him again.

bb888 Tue 16-Feb-16 20:03:03

You will have to be the one who ends it because he never will. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a strong one for doing the right thing and not wasting any more of your life in a bad relationship.

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