Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is he an asshole or has he done the right thing?

(194 Posts)
MarjorieWinklepicker Tue 16-Feb-16 15:10:20

So my dsis partner of 11 years left her two weeks ago. This was completely out of the blue, told her he had simply fallen out of love with her and of course she was completely devastated. They have two dc, aged 5 and 1.

I immediately suspected someone else but I didn't like to suggest it to her at the time. But lo and behold he reveals (on Valentine's Day too) that he has developed feelings for someone else. He says he hasn't had an affair and this ow doesn't even know about his feelings for her, but they are in constant contact and he had an inkling that she likes him back.

My DH has turned around and said "well at least he has done the right thing, ending his relationship before starting another". I can't get my head around that kind of thinking. He has completely destroyed dsis and their dc all because he fancies someone else? His timing couldn't be worse either as dsis has other issues going on (bereavement and health issues).

Just wondering how I can support her and what are the right things to say.

RudeElf Tue 16-Feb-16 15:13:22

Yes i think it is only right to tell the person you are sharing a life with that you no longer wish to and want to leave. Alternative is to...lie? And carry on pretending its all rosy?

RudeElf Tue 16-Feb-16 15:15:09

Sorry. Should add. You just support your sister with what she needs. Does she need practical help with school runs or any help with money or benefits applications? She will of course be devastated but that doesnt mean he should have stayed if he wasnt happy.

MarjorieWinklepicker Tue 16-Feb-16 15:16:38

I think it's the fact he didn't even discuss it with her that has pissed me off. Just decided all by himself that he is going to leave her and their children. I can't help but think it is incredibly selfish to change someones life so dramatically without even talking through it with them or at least trying? He refused to even tell her why for a week.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Tue 16-Feb-16 15:19:47

I don't really agree with your husband. Surely if you have a life with someone you talk things through and at least try to make a go of things before pulling the plug? Surely you try and distance yourself from the person you fancy and put your family first?

So no, I don't think he has done the right thing.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her parter of a decade fancied someone else and ended their relationship. Nothing had actually happened with the girl he fancied. Less than two years later him and this girl have a baby together. I think he was tremendously disloyal to my friend.

hurtandconfued2016 Tue 16-Feb-16 15:20:09

my ex left me 5 weeks ago telling me he loves me but isn't in love with me any more. (2year old and baby due in 2 weeks)
2 weeks later he was in a relationship with a girl he works with again they where texting constantly behind my back.
all I can say is get angry! it has honestly helped me! she has to be the strength for the children we don't get to run away from our responsibilities! get advice ASAP regarding kids,house,finances. I have begged ex to come back etc etc don't let her do this! be there when ever she needs a rant or cry or anything I swear without my sister I wouldn't be as harsh as I am now!
the one thing I will say is when my sister would say he's not worth it etc etc it didn't help I had to see it for myself.

RudeElf Tue 16-Feb-16 15:25:05

I think it's the fact he didn't even discuss it with her that has pissed me off. Just decided all by himself that he is going to leave her and their children. I can't help but think it is incredibly selfish to change someones life so dramatically without even talking through it with them or at least trying?

You mean ask her permission to leave?

MarjorieWinklepicker Tue 16-Feb-16 15:26:51

Yes it is disloyal, that's exactly it. He's the type of man you would never have expected this from either.

And the fact it took him two weeks to tell her there was someone else involved but had flat out denied it before that. Like he was stringing her along in case this OW wasn't interested so he could go back. Awful.

MarjorieWinklepicker Tue 16-Feb-16 15:28:22

No, not ask her permission. But at least talk through that he was feeling unhappy and was having thoughts about leaving her so she could get her head around it or at least understand. Not just packing up your stuff and disappearing one afternoon whilst she was out.

BigJockButMoreWeeThanBigBigJoc Tue 16-Feb-16 15:30:54

What your husband has said is technically correct.

But that's not what happened here is it?

Constant Contact = Emotional Affair at the least.

He; your DSis's ex may be telling himself it isn't an affair as it hasn't been physical.

And I bet you what's left in my bank account that he has more than a 'inkling'.

If he was a grown-up; he would have not fallen in to the habit of constant contact with another woman; told your DSis that he was unhappy and allowed both of them to explore why and if they could fix the relationship/wanted to fix the relationship.

The 2p left in my bank account is on the sure bet that he will be in a relationship with this other person within a month.

As for your DSis; she will be better off without him,anyone who acts like this isn't worth the hurt she must be feeling.

But it will take her time and tears to see that, all you can do at the moment is be there for her.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 16-Feb-16 15:33:40

I think it's the fact he didn't even discuss it with her that has pissed me off. Just decided all by himself that he is going to leave her and their children. I can't help but think it is incredibly selfish to change someones life so dramatically without even talking through it with them or at least trying?

This doesn't make any sense.

It is crap to leave someone, but if he wants to leave, it's his right to do so. It is entirely his decision. There's nothing to discuss. How can it be selfish for him to leave without talking about it? It's no more selfish than it is for your sister to expect him to stay.

I get that you are angry that he's hurt your sister and he's left, and he sounds like a dick for having not told her for a week that there was somebody else. Really, though, if he doesn't love and doesn't want to be with your sister, and he's already got feelings for someone else, then it's better than he leaves now. Your sister will see that, sooner or later.

It's okay to be angry at him, but it's not rational at all to think that he should have put this out to public opinion. It's hugely personal.

Binders1 Tue 16-Feb-16 15:34:31

He says he hasn't had an affair and this ow doesn't even know about his feelings for her.

I call bullshit! I don't know him but I don't believe him. They will already be in a relationship and no doubt it will be public very soon.

As hurt said, anger will be your dsis's friend. Help her where she needs help practically if you can and let her know you are there to support her emotionally. It helped me to physically have company, whether that's to listen to me ranting or crying and you can have laughter thrown in there too - watching a film together. The worst times are when you are alone. My sister is my biggest rock, came to solicitors with me, made plans with me and our DC's on a weekend etc etc.

DontCareHowIWantItNow Tue 16-Feb-16 15:36:59

It is crap to leave someone, but if he wants to leave, it's his right to do so. It is entirely his decision. There's nothing to discuss. How can it be selfish for him to leave without talking about it? It's no more selfish than it is for your sister to expect him to stay.

Completely agree.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 16-Feb-16 15:37:00

Hmm cross posts, sorry.

I don't think telling her that he was thinking of leaving her would help, that'd be mental torture.

Just packing up and leaving whilst she was out is cowardly though, and I'd agree with BigJock that your further posts have made it sound like he has had, at least, an emotional affair. I'd bet that he already knows that she's interested and that's why he's leaving.

TheTigerIsOut Tue 16-Feb-16 15:43:20

You know, there is no way to know if this came out of the blue. She must have seen some signs coming (or may be not, it is difficult noticing things when you are so busy taking care of young children).

But I think he did the right thing. it is wrong because your sister has been gutted but it would have been much worse if he had an affair. Unfortunately these things happen, and unfortunately as well, sometimes people do not want to fix their relationship, they just want to leave and although painful, it takes some honesty not to hurt the person further pretending there is something she could have done differently or could do to fix the things.

He has been honest in revealing a painful truth. There is nothing worse than being left not knowing why.

MarjorieWinklepicker Tue 16-Feb-16 15:46:04

That's what I thought, you wouldn't just end your relationship based on the fact you find someone else attractive. There has to be some sort of reciprocation from her.

I would usually say fine to just up and leave someone but not if you have children, what was she supposed to tell them when she realised he had left. It's cowardly and disrespectful in my opinion. There are practicalities to sort out and the fact he took their only car so she couldn't get to work didn't help.

She hasn't asked him to stay and I think now she is at the stage where she is angry herself. I think she just feels like her relationship has been a bit of a sham and that it is quite humiliating.

TheTigerIsOut Tue 16-Feb-16 15:46:41

And probably he was not stringing your sister along for two weeks, he may have wanted not to hurt her further with such revelation or it may be that your sister forced him to confess.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Tue 16-Feb-16 15:47:42

"He may not have wanted to hurt her"

Bullshit. Doesn't want to look like the bad guy more likely.

MarjorieWinklepicker Tue 16-Feb-16 15:54:32

Oh he made it very clear that he wasn't the slightest bit worried about her feelings. And yes he probably did only confess after she pestered him but I think she had a right to know why had suddenly changed.

I asked her if there were any signs he was unhappy and she said no, not at all. They had booked a family holiday beginning of the year, and there is something else he organised (I can't say as too personal) the week before he left her which really just doesn't make sense.

I think it's odd that you can be committed to someone for 11 years, have children (planned btw) and then just change your mind in the space of a week. I don't think I could have the heart to do it so brutally if it was me.

RudeElf Tue 16-Feb-16 16:04:48

When i asked my EXp to leave it will have appeared very 'out of the blue' to anyone outside of the relationship. I came down one morning and said that when he finished his cereal i wanted him to leave. He didnt respond and just went and packed and said on the way out "are you sure you want this?". Very telling i'm sure you'll agree. However i overheard him (not eavesdropping, he was loud and the bedroom door was open) on the phone to his mum when he called her to come and get him. He said that i had just chucked him out for no reason, saying "i dont know, she wont give me a reason, just told me to go. I have no idea. Nothing has happened. Can you just come and get me?"

Technically he was right. I hadnt offered any reason at that moment explaining why i wanted him to leave but i didnt actually need to. We both knew we had been flogging a dead horse for far too long. The final straw was actually a very small thing but it was it for me and he knew it too. I guarantee you he told no-one all of this though. Even my own family dont know the ins and outs of it other than we were arguing loads.

The reality is that no-one outside of a relationship knows the true story. Hell, even the people in the relationship cant always be sure because there are two people with two perspectives and also when you are stressed you also dont always know your own feelings too. Sometimes you act in a way you cant explain.

Whether this guy is or isnt cheating. Its done now. He has ended it so regardless of why, it is what it is. Your sister needs support. The kids need support. Do what you can for them and let her/them mourn the end of that life with you to support them.

RudeElf Tue 16-Feb-16 16:06:00

Oh and we were making plans and having family outings and couple nights together right up until the end too. Its proof of nothing.

timelytess Tue 16-Feb-16 16:06:41

I find myself wondering what it is you want from this man, OP. If he had 'discussed' his feelings with his parther, what would she have done? The 'pick-me dance'? Fight for something she could never win? Far more honest just to say 'Its over' and go.

You don't know he changed his mind in a week. He might have felt like this throughout the relationship - they didn't commit to marriage? The something 'too personal' might have been his idea of a farewell gift. Maybe the thought of endless years together finally became too much for him.

I can understand your feeling outraged that your sister's partner has left her and their children. Looking for explanations doesn't really help. Let it go.

Tartypants Tue 16-Feb-16 16:08:34

Leaving a girlfriend, fair enough, its a sole decision. But really guys! This one has kids, who he has also left; its not all about him/her any more. He's leaving not just your sister, but the work of family life. Maybe he is unhappy - it's not surprising, it's hard. Essentially he's saying to her, yeah, on you go, you do my half too cos I CBA. It looks like he saw a shiny thing, noticed he was doing more housework than he liked, and popped off. Evidence: did he take the kids? Nope.
Maybe they do have underlying problems which would have led them to separate, but doing it like this is not in the kids best interests as they will still have to work together as parents, and that means not pissing each other off more than you can help. At the very least he should have warned her that he was going so she's not left to tell the kids when she's in shock.
What to say to DS...what hurt said - don't let her beg. I'd also say (even though I'm in the 'asshole' camp) watch what you say about him in case they get back together.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Tue 16-Feb-16 16:10:52

Basically he's an asshole.

Wonder if the posters who don't think he's an asshole would be quite so magnanimous if it was their sister hmm

timelytess Tue 16-Feb-16 16:11:52

That's what I thought, you wouldn't just end your relationship based on the fact you find someone else attractive. There has to be some sort of reciprocation from her
A few years ago, my GP shouted at me, angrily, "Men don't talk about leaving their wives without having sex!" He thought/still thinks I'm a liar. I'd never had sex with the bloke. Not even a little bit. Not so much as held hands. Hearing his plans for our future caused me psychological trauma. Your dsis's partner might not have a reciprocating woman.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now