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How to move on from this- DH losing our money and the deception.

(57 Posts)
OddsandSods Tue 16-Feb-16 10:42:17

I can't give too much detail as its identifiable but I recently discovered DH was stitched up by his family to the tune of £10,000. There is no legal recompense. I warned him in advance against trusting them but he went against my wishes and didn't tell me the detail of what he'd paid out until it was clear he wasn't going to see any return from them.

Basically it's not the end of the world financially although it's taken half our savings. We both work. For him it means he is now completely and irretrievably estranged from his siblings.

I don't want to kick the man when he's down and he's normally trustworthy so there's no pattern here. What I'm struggling with is the deceit in not consulting me before he did this, him going against my warnings and the fact the people he gave money to have proven untrustworthy in the past, that we're not rich and this is a lot of money to lose when we have a child and wanted to use savings wisely. I can't even discuss it as he just goes silent when I try to explain how this has made me feel, he also hasn't apologised to me. I think if he displayed some kind of regret and humility I might feel better towards him.

I'm finding it hard to be around him at the moment. Any ideas how to move on from this?

OddsandSods Tue 16-Feb-16 14:19:33

Little bump for afternoon crowd

pallasathena Tue 16-Feb-16 14:30:35

How can you move on if he won't acknowledge what he's done? You are perfectly within your rights to attempt to get some sort of closure on this but again, how can you if all he does is refuse to respond.
The only thing I can think of that might work is to leave a written letter out in the open where he can't miss reading it, in which you tell him straight how you are feeling. You come over as very articulate and amazingly non-judgemental given what's happened. It might just nudge him into a response.

Secondly, something that worked for me in similar situation years ago now, was to take my self off to a hotel for two nights. I told my partner that if he wouldn't talk to me about the problems he had, problems that had impacted hugely on the family finances, then I was going to have time to myself to sort out whether it was worth continuing with the relationship.
We divorced eventually. But it did make him take notice. Sort of...

summerwinterton Tue 16-Feb-16 14:30:52

I don't see how you can! Move on from him lying about your money and then not apologising or taking ownership of what he did? Nope - I could not forgive that. Why should you?

summerwinterton Tue 16-Feb-16 14:31:47

Ah - look at that. Crosspost which says my opinion much more eloquently.

Doingmyheadin2016 Tue 16-Feb-16 14:36:08

The first thing I would be doing is making sure that all savings left are protected so this can't happen again.

If he went ahead and lent money without discussion with you I can imagine it would be difficult to trust him. His silence is probably guilt and shame.

Namechangenell Tue 16-Feb-16 14:37:05

I don't know if I could move on. The refusal to talk about it is almost worse than the act itself.

Ratbagcatbag Tue 16-Feb-16 14:40:29

I have to say the first thing is do is move the other half of the savings into my name only. He can't actually say anything against this.
I'd then consider what you want to do, I'd be furious at the deceit and the lack of acknowledgement and considering my options based on his refusal to even discuss it.

FluffyPersian Tue 16-Feb-16 14:46:55

1. Protect the rest of the money from his stupidity
2. Separate finances as much as possible
3. Re-asses marriage

I'd not be able to trust him and the fact he's not taken any responsibility for what he's done or apologised would not make me think he'd do anything different next time.

I think you're being a bit too nice to be honest, I appreciate you don't want to 'kick him when he's down', but it sounds like he's the one calling all the shots. You can't make him talk to you about it, but you can be proactive and protect the rest of the savings (50/50.. so technically all the savings left are yours? After all... he did what he wanted with his half...).

OddsandSods Tue 16-Feb-16 14:47:20

Thanks everyone. I will insist we move the rest of the savings. I need to issue an ultimatum by the sounds and of it. I'm so angry with him and I could literally kill his siblings.

Inertia Tue 16-Feb-16 14:49:20

It would be almost impossible to trust him again.

You do need to ensure that the remaining savings are in your name only.

Inertia Tue 16-Feb-16 14:51:25

Is there any way of taking out a CCJ, so that even if you never get the money back there are restrictions on the siblings' future financial dealings?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 16-Feb-16 14:57:05

God, I don't know that I could move on from it - he's effectively robbed your DC of opportunities for the sake of his feckless family. sad

I agree, move the rest of your savings pronto and tie it down so it needs both your signatures to do anything with it (unless one of you dies of course), or put it in your name only so he can't touch it.

I'd be incandescent with rage about this - and in fact have a sneaking suspicion that I might have to deal with similar in the future, as DH also has a feckless brother who takes money handouts from their mum, and who will, doubtless, turn to DH to carry this on when their mum is no longer here. I've told DH again and again that we will NOT pick up where she leaves off, and he agrees with me now - but I can just bet it will all change when it comes down to it. angry sad

I really really feel for you, the lies, the deceit, the robbery of your family for losers - and worst of all, his refusal to talk about it, as though it's nothing to do with you!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 16-Feb-16 14:59:01

And yes, having read a bit more closely some of the other posts, since he's taken half your joint savings, the rest of them are effectively yours - he's used his half!

I'm angry FOR you. I'm sitting here, boiling away! angry

DinosaursRoar Tue 16-Feb-16 15:01:58

Do you think he's still busy hurting from having to reassess his view of his family - while you thought it was obvious they were untrustworthy, it could well be his mental view of them was very different, that even if he thought they might rip off someone else, they would never, ever do that to him? He might be busy licking his wounds dealing with effectively grieving the family he thought he had. Perhaps he wanted to be able to 'prove' to you that you were wrong about them, wait until he'd made a fortune from their scheme and then able to say "see, they were trustworthy, they wouldn't rip me off" and is too busy dealing with his own 'loss' to notice yours?

I would find a time when you can both talk, perhaps give him a little time to 'get over' what's happened, and then perhaps go out for dinner/lunch so there's no distractions, tell him that you know he's hurt by what his sibling/s did, but you need him to understand you are hurt by what he did to you - by hiding this from you, you feel like he's stolen from you in the same way his sibling has effectively stolen from him. That you need to be certain nothing like this will ever happen again, not just that he won't give money to those siblings (easy enough to promise if he's no longer talking to them) - but that he won't make any major financial decision without discussing it with you first, and you promise to do the same with him. That joint savings are just that, and shouldn't be accessed without the other one being in agreement.

You need to make it clear it's not the money you've lost that is the most upsetting, but the trust in him and he'll have to help you get that back. That he might know he won't screw up your finances again, you need to know he won't too.

Isetan Tue 16-Feb-16 15:02:27

"You don't want to kick a man when he's down", despite what he's done you're still concerned for him, pity that concern isn't being reciprocated.

The silent treatment and lack of remorse, is that really such a recent character development? The silence is him not wanting to be challenged and if he keeps it up long enough, you'll eventually STFU. It appears his selfishness and disdain for you continues.

Tell him exactly how you feel and if he remains silent, at least you won't be interrupted. Tell him the silent treatment is making a shitty situation worse and that you can not begin to get past this, as long as he continues to act like your feelings and opinions don't matter. If his disrespectful behaviour does continue, he could be putting your relationship in serious danger because you deserve better than this and you won't accept less, especially from someone who supposedly love you.

OnlyLovers Tue 16-Feb-16 15:02:37

I can understand him wanting to help out his family and the pressure to do so, but I'd find the non-apology and refusal to discuss it very difficult to deal with.

Have you explicitly asked for an apology?

OddsandSods Tue 16-Feb-16 15:02:38

Thanks all. His mum was totally meh about it when he told her that he'd been duped. Lots of excuses then changed the subject! I think he was bullied into it, looking back he has probably always been bullied by the sods. So I'm trying my best not to be a bully too. We keep separate bank accounts (not for any reason but never got round to merging them) hence I didn't notice. I think because of that he sees it as his money. I'm so cross. ThumbWitch all I can say is insist you have a joint account for savings which needs both signatures to access. I have learnt the hard way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 16-Feb-16 15:04:36

Thanks Odds - we do have a joint account but it's currently accessible by both of us individually, so I'll have to consider changing that whenever MIL passes away (Hopefully not any time soon!)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 16-Feb-16 15:06:02

Family loyalty should have been to you and your child in the first instance not his siblings. What was the point of warning him if he went ahead regardless? He must have weighed it up and thought no I'd rather risk upsetting Odds.

Very upsetting and hard to get past if he's unwilling to apologise and make amends.

Your in-laws must be without a conscience.

OddsandSods Tue 16-Feb-16 15:07:12

Dino you are right, he never accepted that they were the scheming lying arseholes I saw and I imagine he's finding it hard to come to terms with that. Well I guess so as he wont talk about it. But he looks hurt. The family are from parents down so he lacks good role modelling.

OddsandSods Tue 16-Feb-16 15:11:05

Yes no conscience, on their multiple trips abroad with our money. The worst thing was we'd set this aside to be a cushion for school fees (starts secondary in September) in case we ever lost jobs. I'm so cross my first thought was to chuck him out but as we need 2 wages for schooling then poor DD would be sent to the sink comp and what would that achieve.

DinosaursRoar Tue 16-Feb-16 15:12:01

Your MIL's reaction suggests a family dynamic of expecting your DH to suck up shittiness in order to keep peace within the family.

If he's being bullied by siblings, perhaps then you getting angry and issuing demands wouldn't actually help in the long term, it might be better if you talk about how upset you are and how you feel you can't trust him, and then see what solutions he comes up with to avoid this happening again and regain your trust, going from his 'role' being to go along with whatever everyone else wants (his siblings, his mum, then you), but to think about what would be best for him and his family and him making the decisions.

GreenishMe Tue 16-Feb-16 15:14:38

Are you going to withdraw the remaining £10,000 and open a personal account of your own with it?

...he really can't complain if you do - and if he does complain you can refuse to discuss it.

LurkingHusband Tue 16-Feb-16 15:18:17

There is no legal recompense

Who decided this ?

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