Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me get this guy out of my head

(6 Posts)
KeepingitReal2 Tue 16-Feb-16 10:11:44

So I fell for someone at work and don't know how to get him out of my head! I have to apologise and warn that this is LONG but I don't want to drip feed.

I've been with my partner for 9 years and we've had our ups and downs. He has cheated on me in the past for over a year with another woman. He had a strong EA and physical too which he denies. He sent her messages saying he loved her and wanted them to be together, he stayed at her house slept in her bed had pictures of her in her underwear, secretly bought presents for her and her children. She sent him messages like "I like the size of you co*ck" but I was supposed to believe they never slept together. This happened 3 years ago. I found out by investigating his phone.

He tried to blame me and our LDR ( I'd moved 170 miles away for work purposes). We try hard to see each other most weekends but it has been difficult over the years.

I'm also not he easiest person to get on with which I blame on work and tiredness. Sex suffered and this lead to the relationship he had. I begged for him to choose me when I found out and he did. He still doesn't talk to her till now.

Fast forward to now and I resent him for many reasons as he has give up on his career (is a doctor) but locums and does night work hardly and just rarely goes to work. He's not assigned to a training programme. He sleeps a lot during the day. Is awake all night. He jas ver little interaction with other people and is either with his parents doing this as he lives at home aged 31! Or at my house the other 50% of the time.

I am also a professional and work quite hard so sex does suffer on occasion but now I've met someone else at work. I've known him for 5 years but recently become very attracted to him and I don't know why! I think it's not helped by his flirting... I caught him staring at me on many occasions, he compliments me, would fin excuses to touch me and hug me. We went on a few dates and I really did feel a chemistry. A few moths into this he told me he was getting engaged as an arranged marriage ( he is Muslim and all his bothers are married off)

He continued to flirt with me despite this or what I thought was flirting. I invited him round for dinner and he seemed really eager about it. But before it actually happened I told him I had developed feelings for him but was really unhappy because of his engagement ( now his fiancé lives in another country). He told me he was flattered and really did not want to do anything to offend his fiancé but he wanted us to still be friends.

He still came despite this and told me his fiancé would not care. Things have been different since I told him how I felt he has suddenly become very cold and distant in terms of communicating by text and when I see him he holds back.

Now I just want help to get this new guy out of my head and work on my long term LDR but something tells me both are unhealthy and unfulfilling for me and I don't know what to do!

bb888 Tue 16-Feb-16 10:32:53

It seems like a good opportunity to review whether your existing relationship is working for you at all? It doesn't sound great, and maybe the interest in the other man is a response to your primary relationship not working?

KeepingitReal2 Tue 16-Feb-16 10:51:04

Yes that's what I'm doing now
I realise I find myself looking at other people a lot just really don't any to get involved with unavailable people so I'm glad he is being distant as I of all people know how it feels and it's horrible

hellsbellsmelons Tue 16-Feb-16 11:14:10

Bin them both off.
Then please get some counselling to find out why you choose to be with someone who treats you like shit.
It's not a good relationship you are in and you certainly shouldn't be in it at all, as I'm sure you already know.
Work on yourself and then take it from there.

Bree85 Tue 16-Feb-16 11:18:13

Maybe it is time for you to think alone, to get out from the toxic relationship and to forget that man. You need to unwind.

FetchezLaVache Tue 16-Feb-16 11:20:46

He still came despite this and told me his fiancé would not care.

Maybe she wouldn't, but I think you would- very much.

Please, please follow hellsbells' advice to the letter.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now