Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating after being single for a long time.. I'm in a pickle!

(20 Posts)
SleepIsForTheWeakAnyway Tue 16-Feb-16 01:10:07

I'm single. I have been for more then 10 years and I love it. I love my freedom, the ability to be selfish, not having to take someone else's wants and needs into consideration. Before that I had some awful relationships and came to the conclusion that I would be better off without a dp. I would quite happily spend the rest of my life alone.

Except, a couple of weeks ago, my dparents asked one of their friends to come and have a look at a problem I was having with my car. He came and what should have been a relatively quick job turned into dinner and hours of conversation. He is really interesting and funny. On Valentine's Day he got a friend of his to drop off a card for me (he hadn't signed it but I knew) and yesterday he asked me out for an evening this week. (DM was not impressed when I told her about the card)

I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know what anything means or how this dating thing works anymore. I like him but I don't want to change the safe boring world I've created over the past decade. I've kind of agreed in a non-committed type of way but I don't want to lead the poor chap on. But on the other hand, I want to go and see where this might lead. At worst I'll have a night out with someone who can hold a decent conversation, right?

How do you do it? Can you go from happily single to going on dates to possibly more? Or am I just completely overthinking everything?

toffeeboffin Tue 16-Feb-16 01:21:40

You're completely over thinking things!

You liked him, right? So go for a drink with him, you'll have a great time!

You already had an unplanned dinner and hours of conversation, you don't often meet people who you just click with like that.

You are not leading him on, you are simply just going for a drink. If it was a woman that you had met and really clicked with, I bet you wouldn't think twice.

SleepIsForTheWeakAnyway Tue 16-Feb-16 01:39:25

Thanks toffee. The rational me suspected as much. You are especially right about clicking with people.

Monty27 Tue 16-Feb-16 01:44:44

Don't think forward. Just go and have a nice time. Don't hold any store with it. It is what it is. For now. smile

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Feb-16 02:39:45

Why was your dm not impressed when you told her about the card... and why did you tell her? Even if I was stuck for something to talk about, it's not the sort of thing I'd tell my dm. confused

Oneday Tue 16-Feb-16 02:52:04

It's understandable that you're overthinking this - but absolutely go and see what happens!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Tue 16-Feb-16 06:35:22

I think it helps to not think of a date as the beginning of something deep and meaningful, but rather just go out and have a nice couple of hours in some fun company. Also, just because you accept an offer of an evening out does not suddenly mean you're in a relationship or that you owe the other person any more of your time than you want to give.

A couple of years ago I met my BF and was very upfront about what I wanted/didn't want; I wanted a once per week date/sleepover, didn't want to be bombarded with phone calls or texts inbetween times, and wasn't looking for marriage or cohabitation. For once in my life I've taken a "relationship" slowly, with no expectations or goals, and just let it develop in its own time (if it was going to at all), and what we have now is something rather nice.

HandyWoman Tue 16-Feb-16 07:25:50

Aw bless you OP! You're not really in a pickle - you're just going for a drink!

You don't need to give up your lovely settled peaceful life. You never need to live with anyone ever again.

But you could have this person in it if 1) you both feel the same way and 2) want the same. Or you could just end up with this person in your life as a friend, if the romance doesn't work out.

I'm like Bollocks as I'm dating and not looking to cohabit or for anything heavy.

Just go along, and ask yourself periodically - am I enjoying this?

Have a nice date smile

TheNaze73 Tue 16-Feb-16 08:02:16

Just go with the flow & see what happens. Tell him straight what you're after & not wanting (be direct, us blokes can't do subtle hints) and enjoy. The worst that can happen, is a waste of a couple of hours. There's no pressure here & no need for the pickle grin Good luck

blindsider Tue 16-Feb-16 09:09:55

Bizarre that your mum wasn't impressed with him sending you a Valentines card. Most parents would be happy :-/

blindsider Tue 16-Feb-16 09:14:34

TheNaze

I agree us blokes don't do subtle hints but it seems to me she has already surprised herself by enjoying this chaps company and she may well feel differently a few dates in. If down the line he wants more and she still doesn't there is plenty of time to tell him!!

If looking at her car turns into dinner and hours of conversation I would wager there is some chemistry there...

SleepIsForTheWeakAnyway Tue 16-Feb-16 09:57:49

Thanks everyone. You're all right. I just need to think of it as just a drink and I probably would have done if not for the Valentines card. I didnt mean to drip feed (I thought I was wittering on enough) but the message in the card was along the lines of him hoping I'll change my mind about staying single. I think that's why I'm getting all stupid and tying myself in knots. But I'm going to disregard it and just take it as a drink, a rare night out.
My DM is a bizarre woman. I love her to bits but she does have some funny ideas about things. I think she doesn't approve as he is 10yrs older then me and divorced

TheNaze73 Tue 16-Feb-16 10:41:12

On the face of it, he sounds like a nice guy, who's playing it straight & being open. The card may have muddied the waters slightly but, again he's probably had years of nagging from women to do stuff like that

WitchWay Tue 16-Feb-16 10:52:29

Don't tell your mum any more! Go for the drink - he sounds nice & could become a good friend, even if you don't end up in a relationship smile

Cabrinha Tue 16-Feb-16 10:58:07

I think Valentine's Day is a load of commercialised crap, except for this one instance - showing an interest in someone who you're not dating! I think it's lovely! Just take it date by date. If you like him and fancy him, it'll be fun. If you find you don't - no harm done!
It's not leading him on, you're making no promises.

And unless you're 15, your mum can bog off with her 10 year age gap nonsense!

Bree85 Tue 16-Feb-16 11:03:18

Just be yourself and don't try to change. Good luck with the new experience.

TooAswellAlso Tue 16-Feb-16 12:31:25

You're over thinking grin

A dinner date doesnt mean you have to give up your current life. There's no set rule to say you have to date for six months, move in together, get married, have kids, all within two years!

Go for dinner. If you like him, go again. Or lunch. Or cinema. Just keep going on dates until you either don't want to anymore or he starts being someone you want to ring of an evening or text when you see something he'd like. Take it slow.

I was single for four years. Still am fiercely independent. DP and I have been together 2.5 years now, and no way are we living together yet! We are partners but I'm still fiercely living as a single parent!

VulcanWoman Tue 16-Feb-16 12:44:57

Fate, You've got to grab these opportunities with both hands and enjoy the ride, no pun intended, they don't come along very often. Good luck.

TheNaze73 Tue 16-Feb-16 12:53:43

TooAsWellAlso you are so right.

Take it one step at a time & look ahead no further than the next date

SleepIsForTheWeakAnyway Tue 16-Feb-16 13:16:29

Thanks again everyone. I've just arranged for my dsis to have my DC for an evening (even she was hmm as to why my DM would take issue) so this might actually be happening. I think taking it date to date will be the best way for me. You've all been so helpful flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now