Going NC with MIL

[Lauren1983]

After many incidents with my MIL I am considering having no more contact with her and would like to hopefully hear from others who have done this and what happened.

I have a 3 year old and have been with DP 5 years. Before my daughter was born I got on ok with my MIL although we didn't see her often but since my daughter was born the relationship has become strained.

My MIL is very negative, moans a lot and is often critical of us, how we live our lives and how we bring up our daughter. DP says she has always been like it and just tries to ignore her but I am finding it difficult not to retaliate back. Even nice things that people do for her become a negative (FIL bought her a photo from a professional set we have done - moaned about the price. FIL then tried to organise a lunch for last Mother's Day - again moaned about the price. She even moaned when they last visited that we had a kids show on in the background instead of an adult show and complained we only had tea and not coffee.

She is jealous of the relationship my DM has with DD but my DM invites us over far more often, sorts out activities for DD whereas most times we visit the PILs they are even more interested in watching tv or moaning rather than paying DD attention. This means that MIL will continually ask when we have last seen my DM (when I'm out of the room, never asks me directly)

The last straw has come in the past 2 days. For Christmas we bought the PILS a voucher for a chain restaurant near us. The voucher was enough to cover a main meal and a drink. MIL then rang DP on Sunday (they went Sat night) and moaned about the prices - no thank you at all. She then said DP was lazy as we had a lie in on Sunday morning (he gets up at 4.30am on early shifts so likes a lie in). I was pissed off about this but tried to ignore it however she came round today while I was out and told DP that the time we put DD to bed is wrong (no later than 6.30 is right in her view) and that we feed her at the wrong time and said ''poor girl''.

I don't feel that I can see her anymore. DP understands why but I worry it will affect his relationship with his mother and also DD's relationship with her. About 2 years ago DP fell out with MIL and we didn't see her for a few months. DP said he wasn't bothered but I think it did affect him (ironically it was me that persuaded him to call her to put things right). I'm also not sure that me not seeing her will stop the criticisms. Part of me thinks I should put up with it for the sake of DD and DP but part of me feels I shouldn't have to. Not sure what's for the best.

Sorry for the length!!

[gleekster]

She sounds like a total PITA but I am not sure the behaviour you have described would be enough for me to go NC.

What might work better for you is challenging her every time she does/says something that pisses you off, and see if she limits her contact with you, or huffs off?

[pastmyduedate0208]

Maybe give her a talking to first?

"When you said A it seemed like you were ungrateful"

"When you said B I felt you undermined my parenting"

"When you said C it came across as quite inconsiderate"

etc... .
Then see if she gets the message...?

[Lauren1983]

Thanks for the reply gleekster. I am wary of challenging her as I feel it would turn into a big argument. I have no problems with her being mad at me but it's the affect that it would have on DD and DP that concerns me.

It's also hard to challenge her as the worst stuff she says to DP when I'm not there so I can't argue back at the time. I would have to purposely ring her to say something back but I am finding it hard not to contact her and tell her to do one tbh.

[Lauren1983]

pastmyduedate0208 - DP has said people in the family have challenged her on her behaviour before but it always falls on deaf ears and that she has been like it all his life.

[Chamonix1]

Emotionally remove yourself from her. She's your dp's parent and furthermore not your responsibility.
Leave his relationship with her up to him, and even dd's.
If he wants to organise to see his mother, with dd then that's fine.
I've had pil issues, once I removed myself from their family dynamic (dysfunctional imo) and left HIM responsible for keeping his mother happy my life became easier.
She sounds wearing. Just leave her to your partner and be busy doing things for you when he goes to see her with dd

[VeronicaDinner]

I feel think this is sufficient to cut her off, TBH.

[VeronicaDinner]

*I don't think this is

[Dragonsdaughter]

Detach - and ignore - get your DP to keep her comments to himself - keep visits short

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

This. NC would be more drama than it is worth. Just let it wash over you.

And buy one of these mugs to give her when she comes over. Hope that nobody mentions it. ...

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

all you can do is state your piece. If she goes into Argument mode that's kind of her problem. You can support your husband through it.

I think you have to stand up for yourself firmly, though not aggressively, and let events unfold. It's wearing and not very nice to be on the receiving end of all this stuff all the time.

[Isetan]

Your H is an adult and his relationship with his mother isn't your responsibility, it's his. If this woman's behaviour is unacceptable to you, then you have every right to limit your exposure to it, you can not protect your family by being the target of her crap.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to show her what a strong woman looks like and that people who deliberately disrespect your boundaries, lose the privelidge of your time.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Some grandparents really shouldn’t be allowed access to their grandchildren.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

If this woman is too toxic/difficult for you, she is far too difficult for your both vulnerable and defenceless child.

She was not a good parent to your man and is now a rotten example of a grandparent to your DD. Your DD needs decent healthy role models in her life; not one like his mother who undermines both of you as parents at any and all given opportunities.

You do not have to put up with her for the sake of your DD and DP; doing that is a mistake which you will regret doing as well as getting you precisely nowhere. You have now really learnt the hard way that his mother is totally unreasonable and will remain so; it is NOT your fault or his that she is this way. Her own family of origin likely did that lot of damage to her.

[HazelBite]

I had the MIL from hell, used to openly insult me when Dh wasn't there. I just ignored it and just carried on the conversation on a different subject, she gave up in the end when she realised her bile had no effect!

Ignore and smile, I didn't care about her opinion of me I don't think DH really cared about his Mother's opinion on anything.

Don't let her bother you, she isn't worth it, let her jealousy, pettiness, and unpleasantness be her problem, she's obviously quite happy being the way she is. Let it be a source of amusement for you and your DP.

[Lauren1983]

Thanks for the advice all. I think I'm not going to go NC as that means DP will bear the brunt of her criticisms and she is less likely to do it while I'm there as she never has the guts to say it to me. I'm going to ask DP not to tell me anything she has said as her opinions don't matter.

I still feel I'm going to find it hard spending time with her and it's difficult being polite and nice to her when she is like this. Luckily we probably won't see her until Mother's Day and DP is already thinking of going there to give her her present while she is out.