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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why is he angry with me - sad marriage breakup

48 replies

Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 20:58

Been married for 14 years but with my husband for 25 years altogether. We've been through lots - both his parents dying, depression, redundancy, financial nail-biting and more. Just average crap, I suppose but we've always muddled through, had a laugh and enjoyed life together.
So, the last two years have been tough and we haven't been getting on so well. It's been up and down but I'm peri-menopausal and I thought it was mostly in my head. He never seemed to be very kind to me anymore.
Anyway on Friday my DH said our marriage is over. He can't stand me anymore - I'm negative and constantly having a go at him. He has no feelings for me. Since then, I've been distraught, just shocked and numb. His reaction is to give me filthy looks and be angry with my hysterical reaction. But I don't understand why he's so angry with me? How did he expect me to react.
I love him so I can't help it and my poor kids - I'm scared for them and how they'll feel and I'm so sad that I've failed... Sorry, this is just a ramble - I don't know how to start telling people. I need to though but it seems so impossible to know where to begin.

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GiddyGiddyGoat · 15/02/2016 21:08

I'm sure more people will be along with good advice - but you have huge sympathy from me. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds as though he is leaving because he is involved with someone else. He feels very guilty and is projecting all his crap onto you.
Get some decent legal advice. Don't expect him to be nice or fair. Act to protect yourself and your children. Ask him when he's moving out.

Proseccofiend32 · 15/02/2016 21:09

Hi Biddy, just wanted to offer you my support, I have no real advice other than you deserve better but I'm sure someone else will be along shortly to offer more 💐

Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 21:38

Thanks Giddy and Prosecco. I'm not sure there is someone else - I feel like he's trying to keep himself at some level of anger so he doesn't give in and be persuaded to stay.
I'm the main breadwinner so I'll have to get some legal advice but neither of us will come out with more than a tiny deposit on a tiny flat each (if we're lucky)...

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bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/02/2016 21:44

I am so sorry Biddy. What a terrible thing to happen! I have no idea why he is angry - perhaps he is SO selfish that he thinks you should just acquiesce and say "fine, what a great idea, I don't expect another single thing from you". In which case he would be a bit of an arsehole and in the long run it will help you feel better about no longer being shackled to him

Post here for strength and support and help and kindness.

GiddyGiddyGoat · 15/02/2016 21:45

How old are your dcs Biddy? Do you think your husband will want them to live with you / him? Gather together all the info you'll need about finances etc., copy any documents you might need. Safeguard any savings / joint accounts etc.
As he's the one who's told you he wants out has he told you what he propses should happen?? I really would tell him he has to leave asap as he has decided to end your marriage...
Of course you must feel very upset and hurt and confused. It's also ok to get angry!

Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 21:51

My dcs are 13 and 9. They will be devastated because he's a great dad. I think in his mind they will understand and just be happy he's happy. I did say to him, what about the dcs? Our home? Everything we've built together - it's just all assigned to the crap heap because you don't want to be with me anymore? And it must be me because he seems happy enough with everything else. It's just me who makes him sick?!

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MiniCooperLover · 15/02/2016 21:53

Biddy, very sorry you are going through this. I think in some warped part of his mind he's angry because he's been feeling like this a while and he can't understand why you haven't just said 'right, that's fine, lets with your plan' ... A friends DH did this and seemed genuinely shocked that she was upset and became angry that in his mind she was making him feel bad.

Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 21:54

Today at work, I read back all our little texts to each other from work, home, on the bus. They are 99% affectionate, silly, funny and warm. I feel like I'm going mad because in between the bad patches were some good ones but they do to seem to count for shit...

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Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 21:58

Mini - I think you're right! In his mind, He would just kind of swan off to a life of freedom and no stress. Sorted.

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N3wYear2016 · 15/02/2016 22:41

Sorry to hear news

You could ask him why, but perhaps it is better not to know the exact details

Start making plans

Tell him you deserve better and you will find someone better

If he doesnt want you why waste one more second with him

He has made his decision

calzone · 15/02/2016 22:45

He can move out then.

You will keep the children and the house.

Ask him when he is leaving and when he wants to see the children so you can check if they are available.

Kirk123 · 15/02/2016 22:48

Biddy you are in shock , don't make any big decisions , been where you are a year ago, take stock,breathe, gather your financial documents , get your own bank account protect yourself as it will get all about money. He will of been detaching himself from you for a while , he may have ow??? And it will all hurt , listen to what your body needs , try sleeping well and eating small amount, cry when you need to, cherish kids and I promise you with all my heart with mn advice we are here for you . A massive hug from me ❤️❤️

Millliii · 15/02/2016 23:02

Im sorry but it does sound like there is someone else.

Have you been all the things he has accused you of?

Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 23:18

Millliii Sorry, I don't understand? I have been devastated by the news that our 25 year marriage is over. That's about it for unreasonable behaviour on my part.

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Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 23:19

Sorry, relationship - a mere 14 years of actual marriage.

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cruusshed · 15/02/2016 23:30

Biddy - as his wife and the Mother of his children he owes you some respect. This is at the very least a civilised explanation and a commitment to implementing separation arrangements that are as painless for you and his children as possible - what are his thoughts on this responsibility...?

blindsider · 15/02/2016 23:32

Christ on a bike, this poor woman has suggested that her marriage may be over and is distraught and the collective best advice MN can come up with is 'I bet there is an OW' 'kick him out' antagonise him by seeing if the kids are 'available' to see him.

What about asking him to attend couples therapy together or working at their marriage to make it work for both of them. There is clearly plenty of history and a good deal of affection between them.

GiddyGiddyGoat · 15/02/2016 23:40

He has told her he considers the marriage over. He has no feelings for her he says. Perhaps bringing home the reality of the consequences of his actions - like the fact he better move out then if that's how he feels - might focus his mind... it's surely not for the op to be begging him to consider counselling. She has quite enough to contend with without throwing all self respect out of the window. He's behaving horribly and cruelly op. It's not your fault.

Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 23:41

On Friday he told me he wanted to go and our relationship was over etc. I was stunned and went to bed. On Saturday morning I got up and then came back up to the bedroom and said sorry (I know, I know) if he was so unhappy. I genuinely thought it was just a bad patch. He was incredulous I didn't see it was so catastrophically bad ?!? How unhappy we both are. I Told him to take some time out to decide. Maybe we could go away for a weekend or something to try to make things better. He said he didn't think it was worth it as he's not sure he does think there's anything left to work with. That was when devastation began. I said, don't we deserve to give this another go? So I suppose I gave him an opt in or out but I was in shock and am a bit thick too. Does this make me weak and a pushover. I just can't believe, after everything, that this is how it ends. But maybe this is how it ends, especially after so long?

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Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 23:43

Sorry, I was frantically emoting and missed some comments! I think now I have to button up the neediness actually and let him think about what he's giving up...

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Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 23:44

I think I have already thrown all dignity out of the window, the door, the plug hole....

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GiddyGiddyGoat · 15/02/2016 23:48

Exactly Biddy. How can you think straight with him still there but having dropped this bombshell on you. You need to think about what you want. He needs to face the consequences of his behaviour. Wishing you strength and much sympathy. Be kind to yourself.

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Biddyfromthebog · 15/02/2016 23:52

Giddy, you're right. He's going to stay with his brother for a few days and I think it will make things clearer if not really any easier.

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blindsider · 15/02/2016 23:55

Biddy

Asking to give it another go if that is what you want to do isn't weak at all. You need to be happy when you look in the mirror that you fought for your marriage and did everything you could. If he isn't prepared to work at it there is not much you can do, but you will know you have done your best.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 15/02/2016 23:58

biddy calzone is right.

What you have to do is try and regain some control back (at least of yourself)

You need to calm down.
Tell him you actually agree and that he has to move out.

Begging is not attractive.

You will get through this. I have and millions of others have too. It's fucking devastating at first but it only starts getting better when you start gaining your control back.

Don't let him see you cry again and get all your finances in order. You can do this

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