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I am falling apart and need help(8 Posts)
I don't really know what to make of my life.
A while ago my partner left me for someone else really unexpectedly, I didn't know anything about it until he was already gone and it was a real shock and mess. He was as nasty as he could have been about it and even took the roof from under mine and DCs head and never let us see his DCs again (blended family) so hard on me and DCs, really hard and I just wanted to die and I have tried so, so hard to pick myself back up from that.
I have dated and been with men, some really good, some really bad but never felt anything for any of them. I was always with them and staring at the wall wishing I could be somewhere else and just felt so alone. Not felt truly happy or over DP until I met this one man.
I thought he was a good guy. He was so patient with my past and just listened to me and waited months and months to even take me on a date. He made me feel like he was a gentle soul who understood me and I very, very slowly let him in. I was so anxious about it at first I had to go into counselling to cope with it all but there I was...just happy..and never, ever dreamed I would be again.
I thought that this man was the reason I had been through such hell with DP and that life had been leadign me down this horibbl path so I could find him. I felt myself coming fully back to life. He made me feel safe, and excited and just great.
Then I found out he was sort of seeing someone else behind my back Someone he'd met off Tinder right before we got together, so the whole time he was wooing me, he was also on Tinder and he'd carried on chatting with this woman and ultimately slept with her one night after he and I had our first argument
Could not have been more shocked, but for whatever reason, there he was begging me to forgive him. Said she meant nothing and that she was chasing after him and nothing really had happenned. That he tought he had lost me and he was insecure and so he'd done something stupid.
I know, I know, I know. I should have known then and walked away but I think I was just frozen in time and space. I couldn't believe it was happenning, it really traumatized me and I didn't want that to be the end of the story so I told myself anything I needed to hear to get me to believe what I needed to believe - which was that he loved me and I wasn't nothing and that yet another man I loved was not doing this to me.
After that I spent four months or so still seeing him, but really deeply traumatised. Anxiety all the time and difficulty working and pushing myself into shapes and sizes and whatever I needed to do or be to make him like me more so he would be faithful but the penny was dropping slowly that he was not all he had believed to be.
So ashamed to write this. I was even too ashamed to tell any of my friends except one that I was still seeing him because they would not have understood how low I valued myself.
I expected and hoped over the four months that he would work hard to earn back my heart, and that this would somehow prove that I was worth something.
But instead he valued me even less, and started to treat me like a very low priority in his life. Was cold, distant, manipulative and every time I tried to leave he would tell me he wanted me to stay and like and idiot I would take him back on even lower terms than before until I had basically no expectations left.
I asked him to come off Tinder for my peace of mind after what happenned and he refused, I asked him to eep in touch every day to help my peace of mind and he refused, I asked him to stp speaking to the woman he'd cheated with and unfriend her on facebook and he refused.
Every time, I kept accepting it
Last night, he showed up for our valentines date without even a card but he said he got me a present and pulled half used masssage oils out of his bag
Because he was partly really nice to me and told me how much he wanted me I just kept accepting it like a pathetic loser and my self esteem was ground down and down and down.
We had sex last night, and right after I saw a message flash up on his phone that made it clear he is talking romantically with another woman and then I saw him replying. Right there, next to me, on valentines day.
The floodgates finally broke and I cried in front of him and told him I had been through hell and back and why had he treated me so badly. I asked him to leave and stay away from me and he said he was sorry and could we be friends.
I feel like absolutely nothing, and I know I have allowed myself to be treated this badly but just like my DP he made me believe, over a long period of time that I was of high value in his eyes and then he cut it all away and I am so lost and numb inside.
DCs are away and I went for a walk in the street with just a coat and my slippers on and couldn't even cry. There's just nothing left inside me to give or to be abused or hurt anymore and I feel like I can never let another person near me again
I feel soiled and like I am nothing. Please help me know what to do. I have a counselling appointment tonight. I know 50 minutes isn't going to help me. I feel like I am just falling into bits and nothing can ever be any better than it is.
I don't want my chlildren to have a mother like this.
I feel like I should never have existed, like I must have been a mistake.
I'm sorry that you've been made to feel like this by a couple of abusive arseholes. You aren't a mistake but you're right that you've been accepting being treated badly.
The counselling tonight is a good first step. Maybe you should step away from dating until you've done some work on yourself and are in a more healthy place. Until then concentrate on you and your dc.
I really feel for you, OP. Its not your fault that some men just take what they can get and don't treat women properly.
I think counselling sounds like a great idea. You need a safe space to let out all these thoughts and feelings.
My advice to you, if you were my friend, would be to forget about relationships and dating for a good while and focus on yourself - building a life where you can have friends and be happy and build back up your self esteem. Counselling is a great place to start with that.
In terms of relationships (and don't take this as a patronising or criticism) I think its really important that if you have been badly hurt before in relationships you get some good strong boundaries up for the future. The first time a guy disrespects your boundaries should be the last time.
Some men gravitate to what the deem as fragile women because they will be more grateful and put up with more. That's not a slight on you at all after everything you had already gone through.
Please don't stay in touch with this man, he is not worthy of you or your friendship.
You need to get a bit angry, how dare he treat you this way!
Great that you have counselling organised, tonight's appointment is only the beginning.
I think you should - through some counselling - learn to love your self to bits (just as your children do!).
Give men and relationships a break until you feel in a stronger and more positive position.
There's lots of good advice here.... I'm sorry you've had such a bad time.
Please call Womens Aid.
Have a chat with them about your past and present relationships.
Also sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
You can set yourself boundaries, stick to them, spot red flags, improve your self esteem and self worth.
Counselling is also a good thing.
I'm sorry you've been through such a crappy time.
Work on you and you'll get there!
The counselling tonight will help, and if it doesn't, find someone who can help. I'm having counselling and it's been life changing over the period of just three months. Good luck
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