I cant believe I am writing this, yet when I see other peoples posts, who are in far longer term, more committed relationships, married with kids etc I can't help but still feel like 'but no one understands what I am going through!!!' cries into pillow. Clearly - I am not the only one to have ever had to mend a broken heart!
To give some background. I have been with my (now ex) boyfriend six years, but we have known each other a while longer. We were together when we were younger, but needed time to 'grow up'. We ended up back together again two years later. It was almost fairytale like - Boy meets Girl again, and their love is untouched! swoooonnn.
We are (were) close. My best friend, my companion, my rock, my grounding, my 'go to', my happiness, and good looking to boot. I thought we had it made, having lived together for three years, and almost, roughly on a similar journey - wanting to put holidays, life, celebrations, growing up, before committing to kids and marriage in our early 30's.
Now heading close to my 30's I thought 'this is it, yippeee!'.
But it isn't. And boy has it knocked me sideways with full force, and keeps doing so like one of those stupid weeble toys. I am hysterical. I feel lost, lonely, in despair, angry, reflective, disappointed, let down, hurt, heartbroken, anxious, devastated.. You name it these past few days I have felt it to my absolute core and then some.
The thing is though, I could see it coming. We had been here only a few months before, trying to work out our differences, and as to why things just were not 'clicking' anymore. How could things be going so wrong, when they were, or were at least mean to be so right? We were MADE for each and this was the plan!!!!
I sit back now, and realise, actually all the above is still very true. It hasn't changed. We still love each other, we just CANNOT seem to make it work. Our communications styles are very different. He is a 'doer', I am a 'talker' (like most men and women, but to the extreme in this circumstance and I wont bore you with the detail).
I am a worrier, I like to feel reassured and loved by words and the small things. He is laid back and assumes his actions speak for themselves (they do, but for me the words have to kind of be there too). His laid back 'what will be will be' attitude means his support is somewhat lacking, which is fine for the stupid stuff I stress over, but not the big things, which are potentially life changing - what if I relied on his support for babies, or family issues, or parents growing old (because it is all grown up stuff that we will need to deal with one day). He can be selfish, whereas I am the type to put others first always. He is very black and white and logical and he comes across as cold and emotionally lacking. I am a daydreamer, who trusts their gut and seeks comfort in emotion and knowing I have listened to both my head and heart. I come across as needy at times, even though my heart is in the right place. There are so many clashes in personality, which in all, and without adding much more detail and examples, left for us both wanting and feeling well, not ourselves - which is utterly S**T.
Before anyone suggests making small compromises, agreeing to make small changes, we have been there. We have talked it through, we have tried to action it for months. But it just came across as forced and false, and it left for just a very weird atmosphere and environment to be in. We were content, we weren't unhappy, but the days of pure joy and happiness, just kind of weren't there anymore.
The break up is amicable. There is no hate, no cheating, no 'someone else', no screaming at each other, no 'can we make it work', it just is what it is, with a whole lot of hurt chucked in.
So HOW, please tell me, do you cope with a break up, where you both still love each other, have a connection and a spark, but just cannot make it work?
This is the hardest thing I think I have ever had to cope with :(
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Relationships
When love isnt enough to save a relationship
misszp · 15/02/2016 12:52
I could write your post. I have no answers, but worried that we're following this same path.
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Thanks for your replies.
You are totally right about having him on a pedestal! I always have and I've no idea why I do, and I've no idea why I continue to allow him to take up head space when he doesn't meet my needs and hasn't done for along time. And actually I could find myself someone who does, because I do deserve the same love and support in return.
I wouldn't say I'm 'in love with the idea of a fairytale romance or being in love'. I love him. I care about him. We've been through a lot together, but out differences make us incompatible and it sucks :( I would say my posts are probably reflective of the moments when I am thinking 'shit' this really is over, because I tend to type when I'm in those moments of panic. I can cope in the moments where I take a breath and allow myself to think clearly. it's probably how I have written them!
He has a lot of issues he hasn't dealt with from childhood (which I don't want to put on here). I have always said they would come back to haunt his relationships and adult life if he didn't deal with them in some way. I think partly, I allow that to then spill over by thinking 'well he's not giving enough, but he has an excuse, I should give him benefit of the doubt'. I'm probably actually allowing him to continue because he has no need to change. And never has. No other relationship he had, has been long term, because he's always backed away, so for him this is all very raw and new too. I said to him along time ago about him, or us a couple, getting counseling. He flat point refuses to because he doesn't see why he should or how it would help.
I actually booked myself a counseling session a few weeks ago, before it ended, because I wanted to start trying to put myself first and to work out my own thoughts a bit. It's next week. I don't expect them to work miracles but maybe it will help me process why I've allowed myself to stay and become trapped in something that doesn't meet my needs.
Either way it doesn't change how much I am hurting 
It's not your differences which made you incompatible, it's how you deal with those differences.
If you truly loved each other then you would find a way to make it work. The fact that ending the relationship seems to be the answer you have come up with shows that dealing with the issues isn't something you feel you can face, ending it is the easy way out.
If you were to both sit down independently and make a list of the things that would need to change in order to make this relationship work what would you come up with? And him? What answers do you think he would come up with as to what should change for you to move forward as a couple?
I am not going to paint him as some kind of selfish bastard just because you need a justification to have ended it. In time you will come to your own conclusions as to why the relationship hasn't worked. However the fact that you are now at a point where you are actually ending things rather than working on the issues is a clear indication that there are insurmountable differences in your relationship which one or both of you don't want to overcome.
Love isn't the be all and end all to a relationship, but if you genuinely love each other, then it is a good starting point to working out the rest. But it has to come from both sides.
And while having a difficult childhood can sometimes explain why people act in the way they do, it doesn't justify it nor is it a get-out card. My DP has a childhood which would make any good therapist wince. I'm talking about abuse on the scale that he now has permanent disabilities as a result. 
and even now years on, sometimes there are things which could be attributed to the past, however the difference is that he doesn't expect dispensation for it neither does he use his past as a justification for behaving badly (which he doesn't, incidentally).
If your XP hasn't come to terms with whatever has happened in his childhood then he should seek the appropriate help to enable him to move forward rather than constantly looking back and allowing it to hold him back. But there is no justification for using his childhood as a get-out when he doesn't behave in a way which is conducive to building and maintaining a stable relationship.
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