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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He was logging onto POF while with me!

63 replies

valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 07:26

8th date

All going well.

Not sure we have had the exclusivity chat or not but he'd certainly said he just flicked through dating apps and wasn't intending to see anyone else and was happy to explore us.

Don't ask me why but he was on his way over for a Valentines night last night (I am not online dating) and I just did a search on POF and saw he was online.

He logged on numerous times on his journey over, he logged on this morning when I was in the shower and he logged on about 5 minutes after he left my house :(

This is really bad isn't it?

OP posts:

Report

loveyoutothemoon · 15/02/2016 07:28

And you were on because....

valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 07:31

As i said, I am not on online dating, don't have any profiles, but I new he was and just randomly checked.

Admittedly have randomly checked a few times and I'd say he logged on once a week or so and never this many times.

He's clearly talking to someone else now, and he's said he isn't.

Why am I checking?

Last three people I was with cheated on me. Have an anxious way with that

OP posts:

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 07:32

It doesn't sound great but as you haven't had the talk about exclusivity yet....
I would be dissapointed on the face of it as you'd like to think that having had 8 dates it would almost automatically become a slightly more serious exclusive thing-but that might just be me and perhaps some people need that confirmed to them before they will commit to that?
Maybe have the chat and see how it goes?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 07:34

I have a friend that does online dating and she regularly chats to people that make her laugh but that she has no intention of actually dating-maybe he's doing that? (Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt?)

bb888 · 15/02/2016 07:34

It seems like you need to have a clear talk about both of your expectations, you would hope that 8 dates in and still keen to see you that he wouldn't want to be seeing anyone else though.

YazooAddict · 15/02/2016 07:36

So either he's logging into a dating website whilst driving, or he has the pof app which is logging in/out itself when he gains and loses reception.

I guess it's just been left on his phone, and when you're in the shower/busy he picks his phone up to browse/read emails etc which activates wifi and the app connects.

All that said, if you're snooping already, then yes, it's a bad sign.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 15/02/2016 07:45

I expect it just connects automatically when he activates wi-fi. Facebook certainly does.

Helmetbymidnight · 15/02/2016 07:47

Yazoo, have you never heard of public transport

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 15/02/2016 07:53

Logging on 'numerous' times on the journey over is classic disconnecting/reconnecting to wi-fi.

I really think you've got the wrong end of the stick. Honestly.

valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 07:58

No, it was pubic transport not driving.

I am sorry for spying, I know it's not what a normal person does, but like I said I have been burned before.

He has openly told me that he is still on the sites. He says he likes flicking through and has an occassional chat when someone messages him but that he dosn't really like internet dating, only joined up because his friends egged him on to do it and he says he might talk to other people sometimes (he's not denied that) but says he isnt going to meet up with anyone else.

You know, I am trying to be fine with that, but obviously a bit nerve wracking. I have seen him log on once a week or once every couple of weeks which would fit with his story that he just flicks but this was repeated logins, including when he was IN MY HOUSE.

So clearly he was talking to another woman, yesterday afternoon, in the evening on his way over, this morning when he woke up in my bed and as soon as he left my house.

I mean, I understand people chat online and he is a big one for liking doing that, so do you think it means anything?

I know for sure that if he was going to date someone he'd tell me (he is very honest to the point of being offensive at times) but I feel on tenterhooks that I am going to get a message to tell me he has a date with someone else!!!

He must be keen on her if he was logging in from my house?

OP posts:

valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 07:59

public, not pubic transport!

OP posts:

valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 08:02

The worst bit in my head, is that when he stops talking to her (logging on) that means they have swapped numbers?

This has really got me all anxious.

He does know me a fair bit and knows I have been cheated on and have a it of paranoia so he has been pretty honest in saying he is still active but he says he would only ever take his profiles down (or hide them) in a situation where he was in a long term fully committed relationship.

OP posts:

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 08:04

So talk to him about what you want then-which I assume is a more serious relationship.The worst he can say is no.Then you have your answer.However if he wants to be exclusive to then part of that will be that he stops the online stuff.

YazooAddict · 15/02/2016 08:11

So you're clearly discounting/ignoring the possibility of him just having installed the app and not actually talking to anyone when you think he is?

im sorry, but it sounds like you have been previously burnt and are therefore not being objective. It's perfectly possible that he's behaving the way you are concerned he is, but imho, unlikely.

You do still seem to have strong trust issues. Perhaps this relationship is a little too soon for you?

You could (as others have suggested) talk to him about what you need from this (affirmation that it's a serious relationship and he's not intending to try to meet/talk to others) but I'd have a think about how you communicate that.

Thinking the worst at this point, and communicating that would be devastating for him if you're wrong...

ladygracie · 15/02/2016 08:16

I'm sorry that this has caused you stress. But I am confused as on POF you can't see when someone was last online without paying to join. Have you done that? Unless you mean another website or the app is different? I don't have the app.

valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 08:16

I'm not thinking the worst, it's 100% obvious he is talking to soemone else. He never logs on and all of a sudden he does every hour, so this is indicative that he has begun a conversation with someone and there is no other logical explanation.

We have talked about this and I have had affirmation that he is not intnding to meet anyone else but still talks to them. He knows I am not happy about that but he isn't going to lie or submit to an ultimatum this early in.

I can't push it, I just have to live with this.

Do you think maybe he is just messaging her out of curiosity? Feels awful

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valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 08:18

On POF if you do a search (without an account) of a person by their age, location etc. you get a list of people. It shows them in a list with their status showing when they were last online.

Not the specific time, but "online now" appears when they are currently online...and that had been his status multiple times

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ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 08:19

So you've talked and said you aren't happy he is still online chatting to people? And he has said that what he's doing and is unwilling to stop?

YazooAddict · 15/02/2016 08:27

Ok, seems I'm obviously wrong. Good luck in getting this resolved

ginandmoregin · 15/02/2016 08:32

8 dates in, I think it's fair enough to suggest that you both come off dating websites. I've had a few relationships through online dating, and usually after a few dates you have the chat and decide to both hide/delete online profiles. It doesn't necessarily mean you're in a "long term relationship" as he puts it, but just that you definitely want to see how it goes and don't want to date anyone else. This is totally normal! If he's not willing to do that then he's still keeping his options open, and I wouldn't like that. The last guy I dated told me he would flick through/ check his POF every morning, just like FB, it became a habit. In fact once I was with him and he said 'ooh I've got a message!' and read it out to me! When he saw my face he said 'I mean, I'm not going to reply, obviously...' But even that guy deleted his accounts when I asked him to.

On the flip side, if he has the POF app on his phone and he doesn't log out every time, it could just be showing him as online every time he connects to WiFi.

It's clearly causing you stress, so if he's not willing to delete his profile I would ditch him. Sorry.

valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 08:40

He knows it's an issue for me. We had a long talk about it. He said removing his profiles is not something he does after 8 dates, he said it was more like when he is ready to settle down and that I should feel more secure without him needing to prove it. He said he likes me it's that simple, and wants to keep seeing me

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ginandmoregin · 15/02/2016 08:43

But you know you have a choice in this too, right? Do you want to keep seeing someone who cares so little for your feelings and is openly chatting to other women? At this stage in a relationship he should be chasing you, making you feel special.

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ConkersDontScareSpiders · 15/02/2016 08:44

The more you post the more I think he doesn't sound right for you to be honest. It should be fun at this stage and it isn't.

valentinespissed · 15/02/2016 08:50

I don't really know what to think because some friends have told me that it was fine for him to chat to other women in the first month or two, and that if he wnats to meet someone else he will and I should just trust that if he likes me he likes me and see what happens.

I'm conflicted.

He does care for my feelings in lots and lots of other ways. He's always there for me, he listens to the vast majority of what I say I like or don't like, and he does a lot of small things to show he cares.

It's hard!!! Seems a bit needy after 8 dates to dump and walk away because he refuses to take down a dating profile but also seems a bit shit that he won't just voluntarily do it.

He says he hadn't ever taken them down for anyone :(

OP posts:

Trills · 15/02/2016 08:53

if he has the POF app on his phone and he doesn't log out every time, it could just be showing him as online every time he connects to WiFi.

That would be a very poorly designed app, if it showed people as online who did not have the app actually open on their phones.

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