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Someone please help me

(77 Posts)
Longingtobehappy Mon 15-Feb-16 02:42:48

I've been up for hours my heads aching my eyebrows are hurting I'm so stressed I've been crying for ages. My poor sweet innocent dd is here asleep and I want to do what's right by her. I stayed with her dad and continued to forgive him for mistreating me because I thought he was ill now I believe I was being abused.

Last night ex and his mum told me it was my fault, his mum said I was controlling, and I should have been helping him get better not having a go at him all the time.

I've worked so hard at helping my ex beat depression, I went to every visit with mh team to support him, visited him in hospital when he went in for a few days a couple of years ago, took on the role of carer, he constantly told me he wanted to kill himself and I have so many flashbacks wrestling pills off him, taking bleach off him, hiding his medication so he didn't overdose, taking knives off him. He was psychotic at that time too and it was terrifying going through that with him, calming him down when he was trying to drown out the noise of the people he could here, I'd take him out for tea and he would tell me they were sat at the next table watching. Our relationship became so consumed in the illness that I lost myself. It really took its toll on my mental health and I reached out to his best friend, who came over and accused me of causing his mental illness. I was devastated, and felt helpless.

During this period he swore at me, shouted at me, and hurt me although unintentionally during wrestling matches to take the pills off him so he couldn't overdose, or clinging on to him begging him not to leave after he threatened to throw himself in the river. I would sit and cry after using all the energy o had to stop him hurting himself. One time my big toe was injured bruised bled and the nail fell off completely. I remember ringing the ambulance to help him when he locked himself in the bathroom with the pills, they sent the police who took us to hospital. When we got there ex convinced me he had calmed down and didn't need to be seen by mental health team anymore, so we walked home. My toe was so sore I was hobbling but I knew what it looked like and I didn't want people to think he had hurt me intentionally so I said nothing.

A few months later I had a seizure that went on for an hour and nearly killed me. I was admitted to hospital for a week and my ex stayed with me everyday and night. I was so glad of his support and really felt like we had reconnected again.

We moved to a new place and saw it as a fresh start, but the swearing at me and shouting continued, he would go in to rages during a argument and smash things up, he threw my lamp my dad bought me but replaced it after, he threw my picture frame and it held a picture of my dog who had died it fell to peices. One Christmas he smashed up the tree, picking it up and bending it in half throwing decorations everywhere. He would shout so loud during arguments that a neighbor came up asking if I was ok, I was cowering on the floor scared of his temper, ex told him everything was ok and he left after telling me if I need anything he's downstairs. Ex then went to bed and said his apologies and it was pushed to the back of my mind again.

A year on he seemed better, we had been getting on well and it felt like we were back to how we used to be. He proposed and I said yes and shortly after we conceived our dd. We were over the moon, he came to nearly all the scans with me but the yelling continued, I never felt it was abusive just that he couldn't control his temper, but I remember sitting in the room where all the babies things were, I felt comforted by her belongings and would hold them and cry. He would come in and out inbetween raising his voice and apologising but I didn't want to hear his apologies I just wanted to be alone.

Further in to the pregnancy we moved again to have more space for the baby, we got a lovely house and it was my favourite time in my life leading up to dds birth. Ex was fantastic, he took two weeks off for us and was a doting dad, I struggled to bond until about a month so had my own issues to get through too. Around then we started fighting again, it would escalate so quickly and I couldn't calm him down. I would tell him don't raise your voice to stop him from blowing up but it still happened, he would then throw things around. Whilst shouting and storming around.

One time I called the police because he pushed me on to the bed lent over me and screamed in my face, he blocked me from getting out of the room and to my dd, we both pulled at the door and it ended up coming off the hinges. I ran to dd and picked her up, he said give me my fucking baby, I said he needed to calm down. He then packed his stuff and left. I walked around the house a bit in disbelief and that was the first time I thought he did mean that, that wasn't his illness, I went back in to the room and saw a knife on the side. Freaked out I phoned the police and they arrested him later releasing him as I didn't want to press charges and said I was concerned for his safety. I convinced myself he must be ill he wouldn't just do that to me no matter what annoyed him.

After that social services got involved due to police referral and spoke to us both, we both understood the effect that had on dd, that it's not acceptable behaviour and that he would begin anger management to solve the problem.

He left me twice again since that time telling me we were better off without him, tell dd he loved her, how he doesn't want to live anymore, and again I went to his defence concerned for his mental health and we reconciled. Neighbours have got involved posting notes when he's not there offering help soneone to talk to, so it must be load when he does lose his temper.

The last time was three weeks ago when I left and haven't been back, we got in to another argument he then wouldn't leave me alone, he kept following me wherever I went, telling me I had to talk to him even though I just wanted to be left alone. He ended up screaming at me telling me to push him down the stairs, I ran off crying and he followed me again I said I was going to ring the police and he took my phone off me saying no you're not, threw it on the floor and stood on it. I pleaded with him to stop asking what was he doing, he went downstairs with it and I went in to the bathroom. When I turned round he was there, he had a knife in his hand, he closed the door and shut me in with him, sitting infront of the door. He told me to watch him kill himself, he yelled at me to sit down next to him and kept pointing with the knife hysterically. I was crying in the corner begging him not to do it. He held it against his throat and kept telling me I was going to watch him die and then crying. He threw the knife a few times as if to stop and then decided not to. I kept begging him to stop and let me out which he eventually did. I remember fearing he would turn the knife on me, I thought he might throw it at me as I went downstairs to get dd. I've never been so scared in my life but I stopped to make sure he had rang his mental health team and someone was on the way. I told him we loved him and not to kill himself before I left.

Since then he realised I wasn't coming home unless he recognised he needed help and we were able to feel safe. Since then him and his mum have told me I shouldn't wind him up, I should stop badgering him, I should have took myself out on a walk or gone in to a different to calm down. I tried to get away from him, I tried to calm him down before it escalated and I'm traumatised by the experience, he still continues to tell me he's going to kill himself texting me how many tablets he'd counted what lethal cocktail he could make with his medication despite knowing how distressing it is for me hearing him threaten divide all the time, I feel as though I'm being blamed for it, like I incited the argument and wanted it to turn out like that.

Please don't tell me I shouldn't have ha da baby with this man, I didnt think he would become depressed again or that I would end up in that situation. I thought he was 'losing control' because he was ill but I've been looking online and it doesn't sound like thats the answer, it sounds like he was depressed but also abusive. I'm so confused and my head is all over the place. I never wanted to make him ill. I loved him I still do, I still long for the normal days a normal life a happy family and home for dd like planned. Now I have him asking is it too late for us and his mum threatening to take me to court for him to get access to see dd, when I dont think he's safe to sad

ABitBemusedToday Mon 15-Feb-16 03:17:39

You say social services got involved when the police referred you to them, you should ask for their help now. Make it official and get it all documented. That will at least help protect your child from forced visits alone with him. You're right in thinking it is not a healthy environment for a child to grow up in. Not an adult to live in for that matter.

As for yourself, the threat of suicide like you've described nearly always comes with unfair blame. So does domestic violence. You would benefit from counselling to help you see this, and to build your confidence, which will in turn validate your worth more and help you see the truth, which is that you're not to blame. Many people have partners who nag and it doesn't drive them to threaten suicide, so even if you were a nag (and by the way I want to be clear I'm not saying you are one!) then his behaviour wouldn't be your fault.

He's not your responsibility, your daughter and your self are. He is his own responsibility and if he has mental health issues, he needs to be dealt with by the mental health team like everyone else. His Mum isn't right either, but of course you won't be able to tell her that. Neither of them will accept what you say even if it's true.

So, look after you and your daughter. Get help for you and your daughter. Walk away from this man and don't ever go back unless he is able to prove to you that he's sorted himself out and that he's done it for a very long time. I doubt he will be willing to by the way, but you'll be signing yourself (and your daughter who has no choice) over to a life of more horrendous experiences and much worse behaviour than that. So tread wisely and cautiously. thanks

wotoodoo Mon 15-Feb-16 04:00:16

You poor thing flowers

You do realise you need to keep yourself and your baby as far away from him and his family as possible don't you? The police and social services are there to help you and your dd and keep you both safe so you need to tell them everything that you have told us here and you need to get an order in place to keep them away.

Do not engage any more with them, your own mental health is at stake if you do.

Do what Abit has advised and stick to it. Call Women's aid for advice too.

Never take him back or believe what he says. Your life and your baby's are in danger if you do.

Please focus on creating a peaceful, stable and safe environment for your lovely dd. Put her needs first now. He cannot be helped and you know it. His family sound as deranged as him so ask the police domestic violence unit what measures they can put in place for you to move forward in safety.

Morasssassafras Mon 15-Feb-16 09:15:05

That sounds like a truly atrocious time to have lived through.

One thing that struck me reading is that it seemed he was out of control when it was just you around. Was he like this around other people or did he calm down then?

You've tried to help him and although obviously you'd want to help your partner through any illness there comes a time when you and your child are at risk by staying, i think you're well and truly at that point, so whether it's mental illness or abuse I think it's time for you to care for you and your dd.

I agree that dd may be at risk around him so I'd say to let the court decide on what contact is appropriate and whether it needs to be supervised.

Longingtobehappy Mon 15-Feb-16 10:38:15

I actually have my first CBT session today, I've been on the waiting list for a while so hopefully the therapist will help me get some closure and stop doubting it was my fault. My priority is my dd, and I know I need to be well to look after her so I really want to sort my head out for both our sakes. For some stupid reason I keep remembering all the nice things he did how good he was at the birth and during paternity, and the plans we made for the future sad. I think part of me wants to believe it's not him because it makes it easier to cope with, but I'm very aware it's gone on too long and too far for me and dd to ever feel safe with him again. He has never been that out of control with anyone else, that's when I realised it might not be an illness but actually it is abuse. He told me he put on a facade in the other aspects of his life so that he could cope, and when he comes home he needs to put it down because he can't keep it up all the time. I've also been blamed for not allowing him to get better, because I didn't understand how he could be so depressed and out of control with me but still able to continue his hobbies and go out with friends. They told me I just want him to be miserable but I don't, I just wanted to understand why I was treated so badly but no one else. I know if I was looking in on this I would tell me to stop blaming myself, stop wishing for the good times, and move on and create a new life for myself and dd where we can be safe, it's so hard when I'm in the scenario because I spent so long looking after him when he was ill. I just want him to get better but I don't think he will change

ridemesideways Mon 15-Feb-16 11:51:57

There are no excuses for his behaviour, none. The only person responsible for him is HIM. Whether abuse is rooted in an individual's own upbringing, or alcoholism, or stress at work, or depression, it doesn't matter. It's unacceptable and you need to protect yourself and dd.

Please contact Women's Aid and they will help you with your next steps, so you do not have to hear from your exp or his family directly.

You keep remembering the good times because you are in a grieving process. Good luck with your CBT today.

Beachlovingirl Mon 15-Feb-16 12:06:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longingtobehappy Mon 15-Feb-16 15:58:57

I've been to cbt she said he defiantly is emotionally abusive. I just want him to see that and change. I can't let him see dd when he's that unstable and unpredictable but then I get accused of using her as a weapon. I don't want her to be without a dad sad

Nanny0gg Mon 15-Feb-16 17:40:19

But he isn't being a dad when he behaves like that.

Has he actually been diagnosed with a condition?

You must go and get help to protect both you and your DD. Social services is a good place to start.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Mon 15-Feb-16 17:44:44

You and dd will never be safe back with him. That's a lesson you need to learn. He's mentally ill but he's also abusive. Even if his mental health was fixed (and that's unlikely, 100%) the abusive nature would remain.
You need to plan your life away from him.

Longingtobehappy Mon 15-Feb-16 17:56:36

The only condition he's been diagnosed with is depression at the moment but he has had psychosis in the past before dd was born. My sisters offered to let us live with her, but she lives 225 miles away, would he be able to stop me moving? My sister is brilliant support, and dd loves her, I can see us being happy there, I'm just concerned I won't be able to, as he is on the birth certificate so has PR?

ridemesideways Mon 15-Feb-16 23:48:52

I think you're legally permitted to move anywhere in the UK, but he may be able to go to court to stop you.

You need the domestic abuse recorded with an official body in case he takes this route, as 1. You will get legal aid & 2. He won't impress a judge.

If you feel your safety is at risk should you attempt to leave, please plan this move with police assistance. You can also get a non molestation order to prevent him contacting you.

But please contact women's aid as they have the most up to date info and advice flowers

Longingtobehappy Tue 16-Feb-16 04:23:09

I was planning on going to the gp as advised by the therapist and telling them what happened. Would this count as an official body? I will contact women's aid, I can't quite believe it's got to this I'm so sad for dd

wannabestressfree Tue 16-Feb-16 05:19:09

Please do everything officially and move. There is nothing to stop contact restarting when he has had some help. It sounds a hellish situation and one that will massively impact on your daughter if you Don't make some changes....this is from the daughter of a man with schizophrenia (I have terrible anxiety as a result) and the mother of one.

ridemesideways Tue 16-Feb-16 12:18:51

That's a good idea OP, women's aid will have the best advice x

Longingtobehappy Tue 16-Feb-16 14:09:46

I've rang women's aid they said they will log the call if it needs to be used in court. They told me I'm not responsible for his abuse and to stop all contact with dd and inform the police of what happened. She told me to let him take me to court. Part of me just wants to run away and part of me wants him to wake up realise he's an abuser and change. I even tried to explain to him that id been told by professionals that he is abusive but he just said I was rallying support for court, and said I contributed to his actions. He text me that he misses me and misses dd and I keep thinking about the life I wanted for us all and wanting to fix him sad

startrek90 Tue 16-Feb-16 14:31:14

Oh my lovely. As hard as this is to accept. You can't fix this.

I need to ask has he been officially diagnosed with anything? Not that it makes much difference. He is abusing you. Doesn't matter if he is suicidal (he is not from what you have described) he cannot abuse you like this.

Someone I love dearly has battled depression and attempted suicide many times. NEVER have they threatened it or done any of the violent things you describe. This man is a violent abuser.

Longingtobehappy Tue 16-Feb-16 14:44:03

First episode psychosis, which happened a few years ago, and depression. When he did get ill initially he didn't treat me like this, he was typical depressed didn't want to get out of bed or go anywhere, he hid his self harming, and would cry on my shoulder when he felt suicidal. Why did he just become abusive after, is there ever an answer?

startrek90 Tue 16-Feb-16 15:08:05

No. There isn't. I don't believe this man is ill but I do believe he is using his previous illness to justify abusing you. You need to protect dd and yourself. Report what he has done to gp, police and Ss. You do NOT want this man having unsupervised access. Oh and stop telling him anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Put all communication in email. Get a new email address just for him. Don't answer phone calls. Keep a written record of all threats and communications he makes. He threatens suicide again calmly inform him you will call the police to get them to do a welfare check. I guarantee you that he will miraculously be cured.

bluebell34567 Tue 16-Feb-16 15:28:29

Of course you will remember good things but he won't change and it will become worse. You and your dd are not safe with him. Ignore what he or his mother says, no contact.
But contact Women's Aid urgently, they will do everything for you, like all his abuse being recorded by police, etc.
You will have a nice life with your dd without him.

Longingtobehappy Tue 16-Feb-16 21:33:58

I know you're all right but I felt so guilty that he's missing out on dd, I spoke to ss and told them I would allow contact at my parents house which they said was more than reasonable. He wanted me to take dd to meet him somewhere every time he wants to see her. I refused as I feel safe at parents and by allowing this he can't accuse me of using dd as a weapon as he has previously. I thought he was getting help he even went to the gp earlier and told him he was abusive. Now he doesn't even want to bother anymore and told me dd deserves better and he's not in the right place mentally to be a dad sad. It just makes me so sad that I chose to have dd with him and he's abused me and left me to be a single mum and dd with no dad

tanukiton Tue 16-Feb-16 21:43:46

he's left me to be a single mum and dd with no dad.
THIS is the kindest thing he has done for you and your daughter. I know right now you can t see it but you will rise for this! Your daughter and you are your main concern. I would advise against having him anywhere near you and your daughter and would suggest a contact center. You are not in a place to meet this man.

Longingtobehappy Wed 17-Feb-16 05:53:32

I can't bring myself to report it to the police sad I told the therapist because that's what was bothering me and I needed to talk about what happened for my sake, she then referred to social worker so she knows, I still haven't been to see the gp or informed police, it feels like the ultimate betrayal

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Wed 17-Feb-16 06:13:54

Well the bottom line is you can take people's advice and make life better and safer for yourself and your daughter, or you can ignore it and continue as you are.

You're in contact with all the right people who are giving all the right advice, but you are an adult and you have to be the one to act on it.

You are not betraying him. He is choosing to behave in this way because it suits him to do so.

Youe username is Longingtobehappy. If that's really true, then do something about it. He isn't going to realise and he isn't going to change. You're the adult and you need to protect someone who genuinely can't do it without you. Your daughter.

Longingtobehappy Wed 17-Feb-16 06:27:15

I am keeping her safe I've still left him and ss are aware of what's happened. It's hard being with someone for three years and going through his illness with him. Yes he's abusive now but he didn't used to be, and in between his suicidal thoughts he was trying to get better, he flipped at me and that was wrong he scared me away, but I still feel sorry for him. We used to be there for each other and he was a good dad. I'm not making excuses for him but it's not as easy as just report him because I've seen how genuinely distressed he gets and close to killing himself. He's already lost his family now and our life together as a family

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