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How long did it take for him to tell you he loves you?

(37 Posts)
Smiler3 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:44:13

Just had a lovely 24 hours with the man I have been seeing for nearly 5 months. He is lovely, affectionate, frequently tells me that he loves being with me etc but hasn't actually said 'I love you'. Actually, he may have done so once, very softly when we were in bed, but I couldn't be sure. Either way, he hasn't said it again, or at all.

We only see each other at weekends due to distance but are in regular contact through the week. Honestly, the way he looks at me, holds me, smiles at me, plans things with em, make me think he really cares about me but those missing words are now getting in the way.

I love him, I'm sure of that now and feel ready to burst when I don't feel I can tell him. I'm just so scared of saying it first in case he doesn't feel the same and it spoils things.

Cabrinha Sun 14-Feb-16 18:48:52

If it spoils things, it's not worth keeping hold of.
If it's a good relationship, either of you should be able to say it, and cope whether the other is ready to say it back or not.
Be true to yourself and your own feelings. If you feel it, say it.

Smiler3 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:53:05

Thanks cabrinha. I'm just not sure I could cope with the disappointment if he didn't say it back.

TooAswellAlso Sun 14-Feb-16 18:54:59

I told my DP three months in, whilst a bit drunk.

Actually I didn't tell him. I drunkenly sat down at the bottom of a lamppost on the walk home like a gnome and said it.

He still teases me now.

He has been married twice. Both times he's been hurt. In his own words he had a concrete heart.

I told him I didn't need him to say it back, but I needed to be honest.

Took him a few more weeks. But then later he confessed he'd loved me since eight or ten weeks in, he'd just been too scared to admit it.

It didn't ruin my relationship, me being honest. Was a gamble, but I had to be honest. I was glad he was honest back about not being ready to say it out loud.

I still say it more than him. I still remember the first time he told me (I'd made him laugh and he said it) and each time (like he did the same today 2.5 years on) still makes me smile

Smiler3 Sun 14-Feb-16 19:35:41

Thanks Too. I guess I feel about 70% confident that he'd say it back. It's just that he's said to me before he is quite cautious and the only thing worse than him not saying it would be feeling that he said it without really meaning it.

TooAswellAlso Sun 14-Feb-16 20:20:49

That was my feeling too - I half wanted him to say it, half didn't want it as a half hearted reply to appease me.

But 2.5 years on, I'm still glad I got drunk and sat on the floor grin

Slowdecrease Sun 14-Feb-16 20:35:56

He probably hasn't said it for exactly the same reason you haven't said it…but if he freely says he loves spending time with you without you prompting it then be aware he is throwing the L bomb into the sentence for a reason - he wants to say it!! Don't let it drag on and get too weighty - just say it , if its right then it will in no way spoil anything and he will 9.99% say it right back.

MeganChips Sun 14-Feb-16 20:40:00

3rd date! We had known each other a while before getting together though.

Ticktacktock Sun 14-Feb-16 20:44:31

God I remember this. 28 years ago. We met in March and I plucked up the courage to say it at xmas. So 9 months! He did say it right back though. Go on, good luck!

Smiler3 Sun 14-Feb-16 20:48:20

Slowdecrease - that's what I have been hoping. He uses the 'L' word in other ways a lot without prompting - he loves spending time with me, loves how I make him feel, loves seeing me smile. It melts me every time and I just want to say ' I love you' in response.

Too - if all else fails, I will definitely consider getting drunk and sitting on the floor!

Oh, 3rd date - I'm currently hoping it happens within 6 months 😄

WTAFF Sun 14-Feb-16 20:51:06

I'm two and a bit years in and he still hasn't said it. I've said it to him and he just stayed silent. sad

TooAswellAlso Sun 14-Feb-16 20:54:24

Smiler, it did mean I could pretend it was all the drink the next day of course if I felt the need! He took a photo of me on the floor under the tree, he had a soft spot for me even then. And I made an impression. grin

Wtaf, have you spoken to him? That would be a deal breaker for me, after a marriage never hearing it.

stressedcoversupervisor Sun 14-Feb-16 20:57:29

I think it was around 6-8 weeks but then we've been friends for years before getting together. Maybe he's worried about saying it for the same reasons as you, I know DP and I would've said it sooner if it wasn't for that fear. I think you should say it if you feel ready and if he doesn't say it back yet that's okay smile

Smiler3 Sun 14-Feb-16 20:57:36

WTAF - do you feel that he loves you through his actions? I think some people might have difficulties with the words for all sorts of reasons but show it in other ways? I would struggle if I never heard it though.

Ticktacktock - what a lovely story. I can see me getting to 9 months and cracking too 😄

Slowdecrease Sun 14-Feb-16 21:02:00

That's what my DP did too…. even down to the loving my smile and the way I laugh etc etc. Corny but lovely…. he loved this and he loved that…so eventually about 10 weeks in I think, when he was telling me how much he loved being with me I just blurted out "I love you" and he immediately said he loved me too. Later on he thanked me for doing it as, in his own words he was "too chicken shit" to say it first. He needed the reassurance of me saying it. We've been together just short of a year and a half now and there are lots and lots of I love you's daily - its lovely smile

WTAFF Sun 14-Feb-16 21:04:06

Smiler and Too - he says he doesn't know if he loves me.

He does have major commitment issues though. I'm Increasingly thinking we don't have a future.

TooAswellAlso Sun 14-Feb-16 21:11:30

After 2.5 years he doesn't know? I'd be afraid of being harsh, but it sounds like he's just waiting for something better to come along? You're surely worth more than that?

Smiler3 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:15:39

Slowdecrease - that sounds so similar. I suspect he is scared too as he is quite a steady type - not the dashing, sweep you off your feet type (which is what I wanted after previous bad experiences). I can see me blurting it out too at some point.

WTAFF, what a difficult situation. I hope things improve for you.

slkk Sun 14-Feb-16 21:20:47

When I first said it, dh said 'thank you'. yikes! Not sure when he finally fully gave in to my allure....

ddeemummy Sun 14-Feb-16 21:39:41

We told each other pretty early on matter of weeks it just felt natural on both sides. About two weeks in he sort of said love ya but in a jokey sort of way freaked me out a bit. Couple weeks after that he told me he was falling in love ans by that point i felt same. Next time we met we actually did say it properly and weve never looked back

SilverHoney Sun 14-Feb-16 21:50:28

Ages! I think nearly a year? And that was only because I started complaining about whether we were serious or not. His friend had just dumped a girlfriend for the 'other woman'. I was basically letting him know I wasn't gonna wait around for that to happen.

Not my style at all, I'm usually pretty laid back. I must have been having a bad day!

blueshoes Sun 14-Feb-16 22:51:07

My dh only says it very occasionally when we are having sex. I know he means it because he says it so few times. I do say it right back but I never say it otherwise.

I think saying it cheapens its currency. Actions speak louder than words.

Rockytoptennessee Sun 14-Feb-16 22:56:25

After a few weeks! We've been very happily together 11 years now.

HeddaGarbled Sun 14-Feb-16 23:18:16

I honestly don't think you can be sure it's proper love after less than 5 months. It's that rush of desire and novelty and excitement and emotional connection which is standard in a good new relationship. I'm not denigrating that, it's lovely and amazing.

Those posters who "knew" after 24 hours, 11 weeks etc etc were just lucky it worked out long term. More frequently, that initial feeling gets eroded in time once the novelty wears off and you start noticing the things that piss you off. Otherwise, we'd all be married to our first "loves" and divorce would be a rarity.

Chill. Wait. Enjoy. Those words mean nothing at 4 and a half months. If you hear them at 1 year, 2 years, 25 years, then they'll mean something.

Millliii Sun 14-Feb-16 23:20:42

I have to disagree blueshoes. Saying it doesn't cheapen its currency. If you love someone you just cant help saying it. You never know what tomorrow brings so say it while you can.

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