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Scared

(23 Posts)
moggiek Sun 14-Feb-16 18:03:24

I've pu this in legal, but I need to talk to someone. I can't believe this is happening. DS took DGS1 to a birthday party yesterday. DGS1 is 4. He and one of his little friends had an argument over the ownership of a toy, which unfortunately ended up with DGS biting the other little boy. DS apologised to the boy's parents, but the father was, understandably very angry, and told DS it was time he sorted his son out, etc. Words ensued, culminating in the father telling DS that 'he has lots of family round here'. All the while DGS was still screaming blue murder and trying to get hold of the toy. DS gave him a smack on the back of the legs and I think had to physically manhandle him in to the car. Went home, calmed DGS down, had tea. DS had to go to work, but while he was there the police came to the house looking for him as a complaint had been made about his treatment of DGS by the father of the little boy who was bitten. He had a call today telling him to report to police station at five o'clock to find out if he is to be charged with assaulting his own son. I'm hundreds of miles away, and scared stiff. What's going to happen?

Lj8893 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:05:26

Do police actually get involved with stuff like this?

Cabrinha Sun 14-Feb-16 18:08:56

Yes, the police get involved in parents assaulting their children.

Can't see any need in the OP's report for her son to have hit his child. You can easily pick up a 4yo and remove him from the party without violence.

Sounds like the person reporting did it maliciously, but the act of violence still existed.

moggiek Sun 14-Feb-16 18:09:37

Truly don't know. He's at the police station now.

Cabrinha Sun 14-Feb-16 18:11:51

Sorry OP - I don't sound sympathetic at all, but I'm not, to your son. But I am to your grandson who got smacked for being upset that his toy was taken (as he saw it) and I'm sympathetic to you for your fears and upset.

But if your son can't handle his son's emotions without violence, hopefully the outcome of this will be a social services referral and short term intervention to point your son to a parenting course where he can learn better skills for managing head situations. And your grandson doesn't get hit again.

moggiek Sun 14-Feb-16 18:13:29

DGS is normally chastised by being made to sit on the naughty step, but there's no doubt he does have a temper and must have been going some to warrant a smack.

Kr1stina Sun 14-Feb-16 18:15:19

It's not illegal in the UK to smack your child. Whether anyone posting on this thread would do it is neither here nor there

Cabrinha Sun 14-Feb-16 18:15:40

"must have been going some to warrant a smack"

That's the bloody point!
He didn't warrant a smack.
The 4 year old did nothing wrong.
Your son failed at parenting today, your son lost it, not your grandson!
Your son should not have hit his child, and that's why the police take the assault seriously.

Cabrinha Sun 14-Feb-16 18:17:50

When I say did nothing wrong, sorry - I don't mean he didn't misbehave - I mean he didn't warrant hmm a smack.

I'm not even sure that he did anything wrong from your description though. Four year old genuinely thinks his toy has been taken, understandable meltdown rather than misbehaviour. And a smack is not the way to manage that, poor kid.

Cabrinha Sun 14-Feb-16 18:19:52

And no, it isn't illegal to hit your child in the UK, so the police will decide whether it is assault or not.

But whatever the police decide, I suggest you tell your son to get his arse over to the Parenting boards on here and learn some better strategies.

firesidechat Sun 14-Feb-16 18:20:34

You can approve or disapprove as much as you like, but if it was a smack that has left no mark then nothing will get done. It's still legal to smack children in this country.

Lj8893 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:22:24

cabrinha he bit the other child, which is misbehaviour in my opinion. However, punishing violent behaviour with violence is wrong for many reasons!

Cabrinha Sun 14-Feb-16 18:29:22

Oh yes! You're absolutely right about the biting! I wasn't focusing on that because (in my reading of the OP) the child wasn't hit punitively immediately after and because he bit another child. His father hit him because he couldn't find a more appropriate response to the child 'screaming blue murder' and trying to get to "his" toy.

Marchate Sun 14-Feb-16 18:30:01

Smacking a child will never in a million years teach him not to bite

As I used to see on billboards, If it's the only thing that works, how come you have to keep doing it?

moggiek Sun 14-Feb-16 18:30:25

Please don't think I'm condoning my DS's actions, that's not why I posted.

Lj8893 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:32:20

Absolutely Marchate

Cabrinha Sun 14-Feb-16 18:40:05

You're not condoning it but you think your grandson must have warranted a smack?

goddessofsmallthings Sun 14-Feb-16 18:40:49

Given the time, there's nothing you can do except hope that your ds has the good sense to avail himself of the services of a duty solicitor before being interviewed by the police.

It seems to me that more may have gone on than you've been told as it's unlikely the police would require your ds to attend the station to "find out if he's going to be charged with assaulting his own son" without the child having been examined by a doctor, but it may be that the witness statements of other parents present when the incident(s) took place have provided sufficient cause for a charge, or charges, to be made.

I shall be interested to read your update when your ds makes contact with you again.

moggiek Sun 14-Feb-16 19:32:09

If I'm honest, Cabrinha? I realise that it's a generational thing, but I am not anti-smacking. DS has returned from the police station. The complainant and a witness, who DDIL thinks will be the complainant's friend who was also present, claim that DS punched DGS several times. DS asked if there is any CCTV at the venue, but unfortunately there isn't. A policeman has just visited the house, had a look at DGS as he was getting ready for his bath, and said that he is happy that DGS does not show any signs of having been hurt in any way.

LoTeQuiero Sun 14-Feb-16 19:49:00

Ridiculous. A spiteful complaint that is a waste of everybody's time. So sorry your son had to go through this.

Iamdobby63 Sun 14-Feb-16 19:53:09

I'm not anti smacking either, obviously not 'hitting' - nor smacking just because the parent is angry and frustrated. It sounds like your son was in a very stressful situation with this other father losing his rag and threatening him with 'family' all whilst the children are still going at it. Can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in order to end the 'rage' your DGS was in.

Glad it's all sorted, nice someone would lie to the police just to get their own back!

Keep an eye on you DGS temper and seek help if needs be.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 14-Feb-16 19:53:23

It is indeed a "generational thing", OP, and it is because abuse is handed down through generations that I am vehemently opposed to smacking and any other form of child abuse.

Although your ds may have got away with it on this occasion, I would suggest it's in his best interests and, more importantly, those of your dgs, for him enrol on a parenting course or make contact with Sure Start with a view to learning how to parent without breaking or oppressing a child's spirit.

Ticktacktock Sun 14-Feb-16 20:12:52

Just wanted to offer support moggie. You came here asking for help and all you get is your son shot down in flames. I'm sure your son is a great father. He took your GS to the party in the first place, when he could have been in the pub or doing something else less helpful, and he got into an unfortunate spat with some unsavoury characters by the sound of it.

I too am not particularly anti smacking, and although my father hit me a lot, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have smacked my own 17 yr old. We are only human. And when we are put in difficult situations we sometimes don't behave rationally.

The police will not take it any further. They had to follow it up as if it was a true case of abuse and they hadn't acted they would be front page news.

Your DS will be in need of a stiff drink tonight.

Best wishes to you all

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