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AIBU - the groundrules for a short term affair

(34 Posts)
lostbutnotinspace Sun 14-Feb-16 17:10:15

I say affair but neither of us are attached or married, but for practical reason which can't be avoided (to do with my children and me being here only for a short time due to a job posting) we have a complicated situation.

We like each other, no chance at all of a future, absolutely none, and we have probably six months. We are both on dating sites (how we met) and we'd both intended a short term thing.

It's caused a lot of upset though, because I know he still chats with /talk to other women and looks for potentials. We're not in a committed relationship but we have agreed to be together for the six months we have.

AIBU to ask him to take down (temporarily) his dating profiles and enjoy the six months with me if that is what he says he wants? He says I am.

I feel like I can't keep feeling like any day now that he meets someone else who can give him permanency so it's stopping me from relaxing and enjoying the six months. And sucking away all the romance too.

Am I wrong? I know I might be, but it hurts to know he is still shopping an can't jst "take a break" for the six months to be with me. Not to make the thread too long but I have made numerous sacrifices to enable us to have this six months and be together and I feel like he is giving nothing and it says it all?

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Sun 14-Feb-16 17:12:50

No, not at all unreasonable.
You are attempting to make a deal together after all. You will just have to see what happens.

Maryz Sun 14-Feb-16 17:13:10

You want different things.

Forget it; there are no rules that will make this work. Sorry.

VimFuego101 Sun 14-Feb-16 17:13:33

I can see why some people might find it difficult to fully commit to a relationship that has a definite expiry date tbh. That said, it sounds like you mutually agreed to do that, so yes, he should respect your wishes and stop using the dating sites.

FredaMayor Sun 14-Feb-16 17:15:34

IMO you will be wasting six months of your life messing around in a short term affair. Use that time for your future, not his.

lostbutnotinspace Sun 14-Feb-16 17:17:29

He says that he has no intention of actively seeking anyone out of these sites, that h's only had a handful of dates and enjoys flicking through, that I will have his full attention, that he would never ask me to do such a thing and that it is symbolic of a bigger thing. He says they have been up there for years and he would only ever take them down if he was in a solid long term relationship.

He's so adamant not to do this, that if I gave him a "Tinder or me" ultimatum...he would choose Tinder.

I did try and explain it made me feel insecure and hurt my feelings and he said he understood but he was sorry, he could not do it.

I feel like this tells me that this short affair, that means very much to fact means very little to him?

Does it tell me that?

Maryz Sun 14-Feb-16 17:18:01

What I mean is, that you can "lay down" any rules you like, but if he is looking for something permanent, and you aren't, then doing so will lead to resentment (and probably breaking them anyway).

ginandmoregin Sun 14-Feb-16 17:19:34

What Maryz said. You both want different things. You want something short-lived but romantic, passionate and exclusive. He just wants a casual, no-strings thing.

lostbutnotinspace Sun 14-Feb-16 17:19:40

It's not that I m not looking for something permanent, I'd love us to be permanent, but we just can't be.

for me this isn't a fling, it's someone I am considering really special to me and I wouldn't dream of even wanting to flick through dating profiles.

Maryz Sun 14-Feb-16 17:19:56


"if I gave him a "Tinder or me" ultimatum...he would choose Tinder" - there's your answer, I think I was right first time - forget it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 14-Feb-16 17:20:49

I'd he'd choose Tinder over you, you've got your answer. Talk is cheap. He's happily telling you what you want to hear, and behaving completely differently.

It may be that he doesn't want to waste six months on something with no future so he's keeping his options open whilst enjoying his time with you or it may be that he thinks he's found good no strings companionship whilst he finds someone permanent, but either way, it's not in your interests to continue this.

Maryz Sun 14-Feb-16 17:21:08

Of course it's a fling hmm

You don't want to change your life for him (after six months), he doesn't want to change his life for you (at all).

You are deluded if you think this is special.

Gabilan Sun 14-Feb-16 17:21:24

Well, it tells you he's being very pragmatic. I'd see if he would at least hide the profiles. But this is causing you pain when it should be fun. So why bother?

PurpleDaisies Sun 14-Feb-16 17:22:27

I don't understand why you want to waste six months of your life on someone who clearly doesn't want to be exclusive. You're obviously more invested than he is and the longer it goes on it'll only end in more hurt for you.

FredaMayor Sun 14-Feb-16 17:23:48

*I feel like this tells me that this short affair, that means very much to fact means very little to him?

Does it tell me that?*

Yes, you have it exactly right. HE doesn't care about your feelings very much and thinks you are ok for now. It couldn't be plainer.

Why are your torturing yourself, OP? You seem to have singled yourself out for special punishment.

timelytess Sun 14-Feb-16 17:24:14

You want a six-month commitment and he doesn't want any at all. Either adjust your expectations or let him go.

JohnLuther Sun 14-Feb-16 17:28:16

You both want different things.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 14-Feb-16 17:36:52

You're not going to have his "full attention" while he's "flicking through" dating sites looking for more attractive prospects.

If you've only got six months in your current location why torment yourself with a doomed to end Brief Encounter type scenario when you could be broadening your horizons enjoying getting to know a number of local residents some, or one or none, of whom you may stay in contact with after your posting has ended?

Hissy Sun 14-Feb-16 17:39:38

You're not suited. He's not interested in focusing on what he has.

I have very recently ended a thing with a guy I'd been seeing since November when he decided that we needed to have the chat about our relationship.

Turns out he wanted to meet me and date others... So I got ffing downgraded right there and then.

Wouldn't mind, but turns out there were a few more deal breakers he's not told me about. Bloke clearly thought he had way more currency than he actually had! I told him our values weren't compatible - he took that to mean just the dating others... Whatever...

You deserve better than this love. If he doesnt value you enough to want to keep you in his life, then he's of no value to you.

BubblingUp Sun 14-Feb-16 17:54:41

You remind me of a good friend of mine. She's very controlling and anxiety ridden and needs the end defined in the beginning and she needs the man in complete agreement with how she wants the relationship to play out and conclude. No surprise, but she is having trouble finding a man she can control in this way. Your man won't be controlled in this way either and he is telling you this. I don't think many men would agree to this. Why would they limit themselves to a contract job that carries a non-compete clause?

Plateofcrumbs Sun 14-Feb-16 18:01:51

I think the difference is that for you, there is no opportunity for a longer term relationship right now as you're on a short term posting, you don't have anything to lose. But for him he'd be putting life on hold for six months just for you. You're not in the same positions.

lostbutnotinspace Sun 14-Feb-16 18:08:56

It's a bit more complicatd than that.

It's not like me met and it was nothing or casual, it's been very intense and we have both said there are feelings and it is much more than sex.

However, he could make a life change to enable it to continue longer than the six months but it is impossible for me (my children).

So he has aked me to give him this six months, which I will do if I feel I deeply mean something to him. However, the fact that he won't do this seems to indicate otherwise.

I feel like if he wants to look around, go ahead, but not with me in your bed?

lostbutnotinspace Sun 14-Feb-16 18:09:57

I am tempted, and sorry to say this, tempted to send a message from dating site to see if he responds and agrees to a date?

He says he just lieks to flick and that I am giving him an unfair ultimatum...but I have never done anything like that before and feel like it would be morally wrong?

Gabilan Sun 14-Feb-16 18:12:09

OP I don't think you're controlling, although Plate makes a good point about differing circumstances. I had a fling for a couple of months with someone who was emigrating. We were exclusive because we cared about each other. It was bitter sweet but I don't regret it.

magoria Sun 14-Feb-16 18:52:17

I think you are going to get very hurt and should not spend the next 6 months with him?

You are already struggling that he may be window shopping.

Use this next 6 months to move on from him and get over him.

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