Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

why am I such a walk over!!!

(44 Posts)
hurtandconfued2016 Sun 14-Feb-16 16:41:51

we bit of background, ex walked out for ow 5 weeks ago on me and my 2 year old son and due to have his daughter in 2 weeks.
well today I'm so angry at myself!! so ex was supposed to have our son today/tonight hadn't heard anything from him in over a week so emailed him ( only way I can contact him as he has blocked my number)
to find out wether he was taking our son to be told that I have to contact his parents about it he wouldn't speak to me!
so I then received an email at 9am to say I will pick Our son up at 1 from our old house! I didn't have any way to get to our old house so he then asked me to walk to the shopping centre which is about a mile away. So I was to walk to the shopping centre and walk back on my own at 37 weeks pregnant?? no care about me or his unborn baby!
then it got to 13:45 still hadn't showed up for our son emailed him again to find out what was happening and he said he had to wait for his dad to wake up to come with him for support!!
when I said I wasn't waiting any longer I was taken our son out he was going in about how I was stopping my son having a relationship with him! that I was using my son to hurt him?
does anyone else think this?
anyway I ended up taken our son to his parents after the park and I tried to explain to him had he emailed to say sorry running late then it could have been different and also that he needs to realize that having 2 children you can't have no contact with the other parent. but he said that's not going to happen.
he was then wanting to drop our son off later (even though he originally asked for him over night) I basically told him no he was having him over night.
any way long post sorry but main point would any other mums do all that to get your son to have a relationship with his dad? I am currently waiting on a letter from the lawyer about access and things like that!
am I being the bad parent here?? he says that I'm using my son as a weapon am I??

DragonsCanHop Sun 14-Feb-16 16:53:47

As your son is really young I would stick with just emailing until you get your letter from the lawyer.

Is your son safe with him alone or do you think his parents need to be with him when he sees his dad.

I wouldn't chase him just keep the emails, send him one a week before saying it's his contact day on x day, he can collect at x time from your house and return him at x time.

Then don't get involved with replying back and forth, you could well use the emails as proof that you have been as amicable as possible.

Do you have RL support for when you go into labour/early days support once baby is born?

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 14-Feb-16 17:07:40

I don't really feel comfortable with him having my son on his own. this is due to him not feeding him or changing him before we broke up. I have told him he can have our son on his own but if he is taking him out I would prefer him to have one of his parents. In the 2 1/2 years out son has been alive he has never taken him out on his own as he didn't like to or feel comfortable with him.
also I don't feel like he has our sons best interests at heart my son has came second priority to his gf!
this is also another problem I am not allowed to know when his days off are so I can't organize when he has our son. as I don't allow him to have him right now when he is working because this is all still new for my son and shouldn't be taken away to be passed from pillar to post!
I will have more than enough support when baby comes yeah.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 14-Feb-16 17:36:40

The very most I might do is offer to take the child to his parents at a pre-arranged time. And even this much may be unworkable once the baby comes.

I sure as hell wouldn't be chasing around for drop offs and definitely NOT waiting around over 15-20 minutes for him.

You need to STOP. It is his responsibility to make arrangements to see his child. All you need to do is say that the child will be available based on a schedule and with a pick up/drop off point that works for you and if the schedule doesn't work for him then you can negotiate. If 'nothing' works for him then that's his problem, not yours. Quit letting him jerk you around.

I'd suggest saying "With the new baby I will no longer be able to take DS to you for visits. You can have DS on Saturdays OR Sundays from XX to XX times and on (you pick a weekday) from XX to XX (possibly an evening?). You can pick him up/drop him off here."

If he can't face you (why is that, do you know?) then it's up to him to have someone pick the child up in his stead (his parents?). If he doesn't like one weekend day and one weekday then he can make you a counter offer.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 14-Feb-16 17:38:01

*should say 'someone YOU APPROVE OF pick the child up'

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 14-Feb-16 17:57:42

well that was nearly an hour he was late! with no contact from him to say he was going to be late or anything!!

I think he can't face me as he doesn't want to face up to what he has done! he hasn't been to our home since he left me either and had only seen ds for about 6/7 days it's like he doesn't want to have to see what he has done (I've lost over 1 stone been admitted to hospital for a nervous breakdown) or face up to any of his responsibilities of what has happened. it literally like he doesn't want to see what he has caused!
he will not come to my parents under any circumstances so I really don't know what Is going to happen when baby is here.

DragonsCanHop Sun 14-Feb-16 17:57:47

Your son is so little and you have another on the way very soon, stop chasing him, I bet you are stressing yourself out over it all as well.

Let him send the next email and tell him collect and drop at your house.

There is no way I would let my child stay overnight if I had concerns that their needs wouldn't be met especially at 2, you need to protect him whilst he is too young to do it for himself.

Wat for that letter to arrive and then go from there.

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:00:58

I am stressing a lot over it I never want my son to think when he is older that I held him back from having a relationship with his dad :/
the good thing is ex mother is very attentive to my son she would always put my son first over everyone else!
yeah the letter should be coming tomorrow thank god!

choceclair123 Sun 14-Feb-16 19:50:52

No I wouldn't do all that running around at all. Do you think ow has something to do with the NC issue you have? Has she told him he can only contact you by email?

DragonsCanHop Sun 14-Feb-16 20:00:16

Your son will have no memory of this time when he is older.

You need to do what's best for today and chasing that muppet around trying to make him the dad you wanted for your son isn't going to work.

Don't let him play you, enjoy your own time with your little family, he is the one missing out.

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:17:46

I think she must have something to do with it otherwise I have no idea what the deal is!
yes I know my son wasn't asking for his dad which was hurtful to me but his dad doesn't seem to care!

AcrossthePond55 Sun 14-Feb-16 22:38:42

Your child is NOT going to think that you held him back from a relationship with his father because you refused to chase his father to the ends of the earth. He's going to think that his father is an arsehole because he didn't make any effort to see him.

Concentrate on yourself and your two children. That's where all your effort needs to go.

Iamdobby63 Mon 15-Feb-16 00:13:29

Good advise already given.

Be confident that you are not using your son to spite him and you are not stopping him from seeing him either.

You have enough to think about right now and you could do without all this stress. Wait for the solicitors letters and try to come to an arrangement, in the mean time if he wants to see DS then he can come and collect him.

I'm afraid I agree it's most likely the new gf who has forbidden him from having any contact with you. It's the only likely explanation.

Just leave it up to him. And I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Sighing Mon 15-Feb-16 05:00:33

My experience of my ex similarly making me jump through hoops to push access (for the sake of DC I felt and he played up to). Was he was being enabled by my attitude/ fear of doing wrong by my children. It improved when I left the ball in his court.
Line of communication open but so much less toing and froing.
I looked for yes or no answers with no off topic content. Rebuffed messages thst were not clear/ not relevant.
The wrong place(?) It happens when it's new arrangements. Shrug it off. Not your exclusive fault. My ex would bang on about mycrap communication yadda yadda. It's a two way street. You don't have to make all the effort to be trying and doing what is right. Neither of you are psychic.
Don't go over and above. Be prepared to say you cannot do/ will not do, it is reasonable to refuse sometimes. In fact it is a normal part of family life to not bend everything around one priority. Don't make an absent parent the top priority!
I also imposed (for a while, it's so much more natural now) an acceptable notice period for end/ start times in anything other than emergencies by insisting he had to do that through a third party. So ... he couldn't be bothered with overnight (?) He had to take dc to my parents as I was unavailable. At first he acted as though I was the shockingly careless mother. But it soon sunk in how flighty all felt he was etc.
And it stopped. I remember once he was ranting at me me by email for "organising my childcare around my social life" (no shit, should I arrange to have a night out with them?!). I just burst out laughing. He wanted to exert control over my free time. Once I realised his aim (your exes reason may be different) I found it easy to handle. But by making it clear what I wanted and working to that he realised he had to focus on what he wanted with dc or lose out.
I wanted a regular, reliable access for DC. I kept a calendar in the hall where I highlighted planned visits one colour and went back and marked them green (happened) and red (changed/ cancelled). Very simple. But he seemed to get what the dc were experiencing.

hurtandconfued2016 Mon 15-Feb-16 12:06:33

well everyone lawyers letter sent this morning! I imagine it will go down like a led balloon.
he has been thinking that I wasn't going to do this but you know what he has treated me with no respect for the past 6 weeks so I'm done!
he had our son last night over night and is dropping him off at 2 so this shall be very interesting.

hurtandconfued2016 Mon 15-Feb-16 15:37:22

well he isn't coming to the birth of our daughter as he has now said that he can't stand to be around me or support me.
also that if I don't go thru his parents for organizing contact with our son then I will be holding our son back from having a relationship with his dad!
pretty heartbroken and angry I never expected the father of my 2 kids to be like this but just shows you you never know!

AcrossthePond55 Mon 15-Feb-16 17:21:58

In the long run, I think you'll actually find it easier if you don't have to deal directly with him. He sounds a right prick and communications will never be pleasant. I think I'd actually be glad not to have to see or talk to him. And I'd be especially glad not to have him anywhere near me during childbirth. The very last thing I'd want is someone who has no concern for my welfare. Shit, I probably wouldn't even call him when I went into labour.

Is there a problem with using his parents as intermediaries? If they are not polite to you or not willing to act simply as 'conduits for arrangement' relaying information, then you are NOT obliged to deal with them, no matter what he says. And you aren't being 'obstructionist' by refusing to deal with people who don't treat you right. Reverse the roles, would YOU continually be putting obstacles (because that's what he's doing) in the way of seeing your children? Of course not. You'd be talking to the devil himself, you'd be walking on hot coals if that was what you had to do to see your children. You certainly wouldn't be using them as pawns to assuage your own guilt in treating their mother like shit.

It's also another reason to have a set schedule for visits. That will negate much need for contact with anyone. If it's prearranged that Ex is to see DS at, say, 3 pm every Saturday you don't really need to talk to anyone, do you? He (or his parents) either shows up or they don't. Set a 30 minute leeway and then get on with your day. No need to call anyone.

hurtandconfued2016 Mon 15-Feb-16 17:45:53

well when I said what will I do when I do into labour he said well big deal your in labour!
I personally don't like using his parents because in the past when we have done this information has not been passed on correctly and I also don't feel that having his parents as the middle man is correct because it is his parents they don't think anything is wrong with this picture and that I am the bad guy stopping their son seeing ds!
I'm sorry but if the shoe was on the other foot I would be doing anything to see my children and man the hell up and accept that he is going to be in my life for the next 16 years and accept that I have to deal with him and the sooner things are cleared up the better!
as for the set schedule I am not allowed to know when he is off work or free because it is none of my business in his eyes.
he has now also said that when he has ds I am not allowed to contact him to ask how he is or anything like that because it is none of my business apparently but for the last 6 weeks I have been the only constant in my sons life and he is 2 I could see if he was 10 or what ever but he is still a baby himself.

timelytess Mon 15-Feb-16 17:51:08

Your ex thinks he is the boss. When he became your ex he stopped being the boss of you. Let him go through the courts or mediation for access - your son is still a baby. Set yourself up for a peaceful quiet time over the next few months - you don't owe your ex anything at all, and there will be time for him to build a relationship with his son when he's been through the system to establish access.

You are absolutely wound-up and it isn't good for you. Remember, its in your hands. He's the ex now, not your partner.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 15-Feb-16 18:01:59

I'm sorry but if the shoe was on the other foot I would be doing anything to see my children and man the hell up and accept that he is going to be in my life for the next 16 years and accept that I have to deal with him and the sooner things are cleared up the better!

Exactly what I was saying. But you cannot force him to do anything. You'll only be breaking your own head on a stone wall to try.

I am not allowed to know when he is off work or free

This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You set the schedule that works for you. If he has a problem he can contact you to make other arrangements that suit you both ahead of time, not at the last minute. The point is that you aren't waiting around on tenterhooks for him to decide what he wants. It may be correct that it's not your business to know exactly what he's doing (i.e. if he's at work or if he's with his gf). But it is your business to know ahead of time when your child will be with him. You have a life to live, too.

when he has ds I am not allowed to contact him to ask how he is or anything like that because it is none of my business apparently

Unfortunately, I think I agree. It is 'his' time with the the child and it could be disruptive. I don't think you'd appreciate if he called you constantly to 'check up' on you to see if your son was 'ok' in your care or 'upset' because he wasn't there. If you don't feel your child is safe with his father, then you need to decide whether he should have him unsupervised.

don't like using his parents because in the past when we have done this information has not been passed on correctly and I also don't feel that having his parents as the middle man is correct because it is his parents they don't think anything is wrong with this picture and that I am the bad guy stopping their son seeing ds!

Then you need to suggest another intermediary. I'm sure I'm wrong but it almost sounds as if you want to force him into dealing with you when he doesn't want to. Is there a reason why you want to remain in contact with him? Sorry if I appear rude, but do you still have feelings for him or do you feel that you should still have a place in his life?

hownottofuckup Mon 15-Feb-16 18:20:04

How on earth is your ex managing to paint this in anyway as you being the unreasonable one?

If you can bear to do it I'd cut him out like a cancer. Let it go through solicitors, have nothing more to do with him. Third parties can do drop offs/pick ups at set and prearranged times. He can meet his daughter when it is appropriate for her to be away from you.
Just make sure you never bad mouth him to your DC and that they don't ever feel caught between you.

But re ex, cut contact completely. There's nothing to be gained from trying to communicate with him.

dustmyduvet Mon 15-Feb-16 18:45:21

Totally agree with hownottofuckup. His behaviour would be apppalling if your children were both a lot older, but 2 and about to be born ? Whatever's happened between you his attitude stinks. Too afraid to take his son outside, never feeds or changes him ? You're well shot of him by the looks of it.

Really glad to see you'll have lots of support when you have your baby. Let your ex deal with his insecure new gf who's probably yanking his chain. If he's half the father you hope he'll be he'll do whatever it takes to meet YOUR arrangements to see his children. Yes, there has to be some flexibility on both sides, but you don't have to run around after him.

You can't make him a good parent. Resist the urge to speak badly of him and, as long as your children know you always made it possible for him to see them, they'll make up their own minds.

hurtandconfued2016 Mon 15-Feb-16 19:07:59

.^Unfortunately, I think I agree. It is 'his' time with the the child and it could be disruptive. I don't think you'd appreciate if he called you constantly to 'check up' on you to see if your son was 'ok' in your care or 'upset' because he wasn't there. If you don't feel your child is safe with his father, then you need to decide whether he should have him unsupervised.^
I would never stop ex contacting me to see if our son was okay at the end of the day it is his son too and had the right to know his son is okay. i wasn't phoning all the time or anything like that I sent one text to ask how he was that was all. I hadnt phoned him when he had him till last night and the reason I phoned is that he hadn't seen our son for 2 weeks and had never been alone with him before. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if he is okay once?
as for forcing him to have contact with me in a way it might seem like that but what I am trying to make him see is that when baby comes in 2 weeks he will have to have contact with me. rather than arguing all the time and it being awkward when she is here if we tried to sort things out and be civil now then when baby comes I won't be as stressed and he will be able to be around me for the baby as I wanted him to spend as much time as he wanted around baby.
yes I do still 100% love him I'm not going to say I don't but I don't want him in the relationship any more as the things he has said to me have been awful! I actually can't stand to look at him!
I want to remain in contact with him for the sake of the children I don't want him as a partner or friend or that I want him to co-parent with me and make this easier for our kids.

he is saying I am stopping him seeing our son when I'm actually trying to encourage him seeing him. but when he shows up an hour late for him and things like that somehow I'm the bad guy. he has also painted the picture to his family that I'm being the bad guy because I was still grieving for the loss of the relationship and the fact he was cheating on me.
aw I can cut him out now I am well and truly done with him after the vile things he has said to me and his lack of interest in our son and daughter!

hurtandconfued2016 Mon 15-Feb-16 19:17:30

I had been 100% flexible with him letting him decide when he see our son and not having any problems with it. it he wanted to come see him at any time my door was always open and I told him this!
but now I'm afraid I need a routine for when he is taken him not this 24 hr notice he is taking him.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable with the things I ask of him?
1. he gets an 8 week rota why can't we organize 8 weeks worth of contact sorted?
2. he gets a phone I can contact him on in emergencies for our children
3. he isn't late to pick our child up
4. he doesn't introduce them to new gf until I meet her or they are in a stable relationship.
I have also stated he can have him for 3 days one being overnight. I am not stopping him having contact is anything I am encouraging it!

hownottofuckup Mon 15-Feb-16 19:30:24

1-3 are bog standard normal, 4 is completely outside of your control and you probably need to just let that one go, for your own sake.
He might not want to be around new baby as much as you think as it may be seen as a 'threat' to his new relationship. The whole no contact thing already has a ring of that about it. He has made it quite clear that his new relationship is his priority, I don't think you should expect that to change when new baby arrives as you are likely to be disappointed.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now