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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What would you do? younger man dilemma

32 replies

jezzybuns · 14/02/2016 15:25

I'm so torn, please advise me.

I met a younger man, intended as a fling and we started seeing each other and some feelings have developed.

I know that he has a life plan, which involves settling down in a few years an then he wants a big family with a lot of children, which is something I can't giv him.

I have no idea what to do,

On the one hand there is the obvious thing that is likely to happen which is that the relationship will end and he will want to be with someone younger which will of course be a broken heart for me.

On the other hand if the relationship doesn't end and he fell in love with me too I would be asking him to sacrifice a lot surely to make a life with me?

I already have a child so it doesnt matter to me.

What would you do in my situation? Is it best to walk away as soon as possible to avoid any further feelings developing?

Or is life too sort and should you just enjoy today?

And if I choose the latter, how do I protect myself the best way from the pain of the inevitable?

OP posts:

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IamlovedbyG · 14/02/2016 15:43

This reply has been deleted

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Morasssassafras · 14/02/2016 16:09

Walk away. It may be that you'd have a relationship that wouldn't work out long term for other reasons but I wouldn't go further into it knowing that you have this huge incompatibility.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/02/2016 16:10

How old are you? And how old is he? Because that makes all the difference.

jezzybuns · 14/02/2016 16:17

36, 27
I am just about to turn 37, and also, I have polycystic ovaries and struggled to get pregnant with my existing child. I can't see me ever being able to give him that. I mean...maybe one?

OP posts:

Ready123 · 14/02/2016 16:24

That is not a huge age difference at all. It sounds as though the potential issues you have are not really to do with age but are issues that might arise for couples in their twenties. There are so many women I know who have not been able to have babies at all, and he is just as likely to meet a 27 year old who can't (or doesn't want to) give him a large family.

I would just enjoy it for the time being, until you feel you are at a point that you can both have a serious discussion about things (which in my experience is usually a few months in). He may have a life plan now that involves a large family, but it is amazing how plans change when you meet the right person! When the time is right, you should talk to him about your fears and concerns. He may very well surprise you at that point and actually be happy with the little family you could have together.

Flanks · 14/02/2016 16:47

Disagree most strongly with Ready123 about the age gap. 10years is huge before about 50, and 10years when you have had a child and all the life experience that goes with it is more huge. That in itself is not a reason to break upba relationship, but we cant pretend that you guys dont have huge areas of your life experiences which will never overlap because of the significant age gap.

I would say that as long as everything is out in the open there are no problems. You know his life plan, does he know yours? If so, and all is happy for now, then all is fine. As ready123 also said, sometimes people change and what they want changes, and if everything is in the open then you also do not need to worry about any later guilt. Furthermore, if things do end in another year or so for reasons you already knew about then you wont have the doubts about reasons etc.

Most relationships break up, that doesnt mean they all fail. All break ups suck, but that doesnt mean all are bad. Let this relationship be what it is, be honest about it, and all will play out naturally as it should.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/02/2016 16:47

Oh that's fine! Don't walk away. When DH and I married, after five years living together, I was 39 and 3/4 and he 31. There are 8 yrs 4m between our ages. We have two dds both born in my 40s, and are really happy together. Just enjoy it .

Doingmyheadin2016 · 14/02/2016 16:48

I would enjoy it for what it is but be prepared for the fall-out one day if it comes. What are his views on it all?

SirVixofVixHall · 14/02/2016 16:51

Oh and we met when he was 22, and got together properly when he was 25. I think once we were both in our 30s the age gap wasn't noticable at all.

Mag314 · 14/02/2016 16:52

Well, he still has loads of time. I have male friends who want a child and they are 42 and 49. This guy has loads of time. Also, given that you have a child, and you aren't desperate for one, unless he's absolutely determined to have a child with you then I don't think you can't both relax a bit.

jezzybuns · 14/02/2016 17:04

His views I suppose are that we won't last, but it's fun now.

I feel more than he does though

OP posts:

Flanks · 14/02/2016 17:08

If you want more and he doesnt, and you believe your circumstances will deviate even fuether later because of life plans and age, then yes leave now to spare heartache.

LineyReborn · 14/02/2016 17:13

So you'll do for now, till he meets his wife-to-be?

I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt and conflicted. It's not the age difference, it's the gulf in attitude.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/02/2016 17:16

Many of us set out a life plan that includes establishing a career, marriage and dc etc, but some discover that life has another plan for them and what may seem a sacrifice to some is a mere bagatelle to others.

I would suggest you enjoy this relationship while it lasts but it seems to me that you may be more emotionally invested in it than he is, in which case you're best advised to end it now or guard your heart against what you believe to be inevitable because fearing the worst can cause it to happen.

timelytess · 14/02/2016 17:22

It's hardly an age-gap at all. The children thing is an issue - talk to him about it if he suggests long-term. Certainly no need to rush apart just yet, but keep the idea that you'll be starting afresh one day in your mind so that it doesn't come as a shock.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/02/2016 17:25

Having been distracted while typing my earlier response I didn't see your subsequent post, OP.

If you can't enjoy this relationship without becoming emotionally fixated on this man, end it now and look for someone who has no desire to have any/more dc but won't be averse if one should come along, so to speak.

NickiFury · 14/02/2016 17:33

I had a similar situation, almost same age gap too. Got my heart absolutely stamped all over, not because he was nasty to me but we were just at different life stages. It took me a long time to get over him. I wouldn't put myself through it again.

Inmybackyard · 14/02/2016 17:50

At 27 he's got years ahead of him, even if he wants lots of kids. I suspect he knows this. A fling or even spending a couple of years with you isn't going to set him back from finding a wife at all. It all depends on whether you're happy to be a transitory girlfriend.

314ty · 16/02/2016 11:13

Yes the "you'll do for now" would be a deal breaker for me

scarlets · 16/02/2016 14:22

The age gap, such as it is, isn't the problem here.

The problem is the difference in expectations. You're a stop-gap in his eyes, but you feel seriously about him.

MatildaTheCat · 16/02/2016 15:00

He's been very honest with you so it's up to you how to proceed. I definitely wouldn't bank on him falling in love and overlooking the family issue since he's been so clear about that. Carry on by all means if you can face the heartbreak of him dumping you for a younger model sooner or later. It's also very soul destroying to be with someone who is less bothered that you are.

In your shoes I would gather my dignity and wish him well. He sounds nice, just not for you.

forumdonkey · 16/02/2016 16:29

I dated a guy who was only 7yrs younger which was fine, except I didn't want any more children and am over 40, whereas he was only late 30's, childless but still young enough and open to children.

I agree with the post that said in your 30's and 40's an age gap can be quite significant when wanting children are involved. If he went 7 yrs younger then having children with a woman would be easier and more likely with a woman aged 30 than a woman at 44.

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SirVixofVixHall · 16/02/2016 16:55

I think the whole "life plan of settling down in a few years and having lots of children" thing is a bit strange, I mean, you can't predict when you will meet someone you love. It isn't something you can slot in your diary, and nor is a big family- you can meet someone at the supposed right time, but be unable to have children, you might find you want to stop at one, or two, it is rather naive to think that these are plannable things. Perhaps he will come to realise that.

314ty · 16/02/2016 17:11

Yes, kids complicate things if the one has dc and the other doesn't. Like forumdonkey says, even if the age gap is narrow. It's the having dc or not having them that causes the issue. I've been 'let go' for HAVING dc, by a man of 49, his were older 19&20. And he didn't want it all again. And now, anybody I seem to connect with, (eg a man 2 years younger than me, at 42) he doesn't have kids and knows he needs to look hard for the right woman if that's going to happen for him. I admire his sensibleness really, he doesn't think he can leave it til he's fifty and win over a 37 year old. He knows he can't waste time on me and I know I can't waste my time on a fwb situation with him.

something2say · 16/02/2016 18:46

I'm not sure what I'd do to be honest.

On the one hand, carrying on might just happen, with these ideas bubbling away in the back of your mind....

On the other, you might think that you deserve a man who isn't going to slowly become part of your life and then just tear himself away one day, for a younger model.

Actually, writing it down like that, I realize that as I've grown older (41) I take better care of my heart I think. I know there are consequences to my actions and I respect myself too much to go too far in the wrong direction. It's important I think, because no one else will do it.

So ask yourself seriously what you think with him. Do you feel he loves you enough to change his plans? Do you see that love reflected? I say this as a woman with a partner where there is no hint at all ever that he doesn't love me. If I had one where I wasn't sure, I would leave him I think, on the grounds that I am too much woman for all that crap. So ask yourself what you think, and care for your heart thereafter.

And remember, you've been through this before and didn't die right? If he is Mister Right Now, then let it be and don't be silly dreaming for something else.

And perhaps, when he has gone, find someone for the rest of your life, who fits your life plan X he's out there too while you're having a fling with a younger guy X

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