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Finally it hit me today that I am alone

(25 Posts)
Sleepingsun Sun 14-Feb-16 13:00:54

I feel so very sad today, probably it being Valentine's Day doesn't help either (although I've never been a fan). Long story short my DH cheated on me last spring and left me for the OW (he's still with her). Things had not been good for us for a long time and perhaps we would have split up anyway but him doing that ended our marriage in an awful way. Needless to say most of last year was just trying to get though each day and stay strong for my DD. Then I started to feel better and out of the blue met someone (I hadn't even thought of that). We went for a date and have been seeing each other for last 2 1/2 months, taking it slowly and just enjoying our time together when we can (I only have EOW free) Anyway, he has suddenly gone a bit weird, taking time to reply to my messages etc. I just have a feeling something has changed. I really don't understand men..?! Anyway, I feel obviously disappointed as I quite liked him but also know that it was only couple of months. I guess it just hit me today that I am 41, going through divorce and I really am all alone. Obviously I have lovely friends who support me and my lovely DD but on this Sunday I feel so very lonely. My DD is at STBXH's and I am just home. Maybe this is part of the grieving process of divorce? I think also got my hopes up a bit with this other guy which is silly really I know! I guess after being with someone for over 10 yrs it is scary suddenly to be single again and see kind of how brutal the dating can be (I don't think I am ready for OLD yet as sounds like you need a very thick skin!) Anyway, how did you settle into a single life after being in long relationship/marriage? Sorry for rambling!

ppandj Sun 14-Feb-16 13:14:14

I don't have any words of advice really but didn't want to read and run. I'm sure someone will be along soon to offer better advice but I couldn't ignore you. Ramble away if you want to? thanks

Sleepingsun Sun 14-Feb-16 13:27:21

Thank for your message! I actually burst into tears when I read it.. just shows how pathetic I feel today! I havent cried for a while and maybe a good cry is just what I need!

amarmai Sun 14-Feb-16 13:31:07

I'm way down the road from you, so thinking back i was too busy with 3 kids, a job and volunteer work to think about men. But that was a choice= i mean to be deliberately too busy to think about men. Funny thing tho -they still came sniffing around , so if chose i cd try one or two of them out. So that's a tactic that worked - had that been my plan!BTW the volunteer work was political and men were rife.

Griphook Sun 14-Feb-16 13:35:36

Sorry to hear you feel lonely im going through a separatation at the moment and this is one of my fears.

I do think it's natural to feel like you do, you have been through a massive transition over the months,

Do you have plans for when dd is with dad?

SoThatHappened Sun 14-Feb-16 13:50:46

Im 37, never once had a long term relationship, never lived with a man, no children.

Better to have loved and lost.

Im totally alone always have been. Even if Id had some ltrs that hadnt worked out at least i would have had the experience.

Sleepingsun Sun 14-Feb-16 13:52:54

I usually do. Like in the first few months after he left I had a little project of making the house more girlie for us two and also decluttering stuff etc. Or then my friend would come over to stay and we'd go out (just drinking and having fun, not trying to meet anyone!) Recently I have been seeing this man on most of my 'free' weekends. (Not the whole weekend but for example on Sat) Were meant to this weekend but he's just been weird. Anyway, most of my friends have young kids so takes a bit more planning. I do like my own company and often like having a day to myself but this weekend have been alone since Fri. All my friends happen to be busy which happens sometimes.

Sleepingsun Sun 14-Feb-16 13:59:28

Griphook, you are right. It has been a massive transition and I guess it will just take time to get used to this. I have also just filed for divorce which I am finding very stressful as dreading to start sorting out the finances. And on top of that we were told at work that will be losing our jobs by the end of this year so last year all in all has been pretty horrendous.

ivykaty44 Sun 14-Feb-16 14:03:42

I settled into a life of doing a lot of thing I wanted to do. I set myself challenges and joined groups with similar interests.

This meant at the weekends I was out and about most of the weekend and the oppertunity was there in the week.

DD had hobbies and I was out and about with her which also keep me very busy, also got to chat to a lot of other patents and make friends.

Take a look at local clubs to you, cycling, chess, book clubs whatever grabs your fancy and try it. Remember if you don't like it you never have to return. Try meet-ups, Google them and find local groups to you. There are a range in my area from chatting French, meditation, bike clubs, wall climbing, going to the pub, socialising, cinema etc. Tbh much better than dating, you make new friends and drop in and out when you're free to do so.

ppandj Sun 14-Feb-16 17:23:28

OP can you have a girly night tonight? Either with your DD if she is back or on your own? You could watch films this eve with her or have a bath and a pamper night if alone? Just as a pick me up.

Angieyy1 Sun 14-Feb-16 17:52:01

Have you joined meet up.com they have lots of things going on and several interests x

LineyReborn Sun 14-Feb-16 18:00:14

Yes, it's a massive transition. It took me a long time between my ExH leaving, via a few bloke disasters, to meeting my now OH. Quite a few years and quite a few tears. But I am not alone now, because I learned to be happy with myself, and separate to that I finally then met my OH.

I could live on 'my own' again - but there would still be people in my life.

That's the big valuable lesson to learn. Friends helped, my DC kept me loved and in a routine, and I made my own new family. flowers

BlueBlueBelles Sun 14-Feb-16 18:02:13

It does get easier. I promise.

I separated in 2009. I dated a bit, couple of second dates and snogs. First few month relationship in 2012, another 2013. Met DP in 2013.

So I spent a fair few valentines alone, with young DC. Feeling like shit.

One thing I don't regret is that time alone. I learnt to do things like the cinema and meals on my own, trains to the city and museums. I learnt to love my own company. When I met DP it meant he brought something new into my life, he didn't fill a hole, he wasn't responsible for giving me a life, a smile, happiness, that was down to me.

I'm on my own tonight as I have the kids and DP and I don't live together and he's working tomorrow. I have plans with a glass of wine, call the midwife and a huge pile of marking.

Chin up. Find yourself a glass of something, a good book or film ( a weepy always works for me, excuse to get out emotion) and don't feel pressured because of the date

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:05:53

I think you are panicking, and there is no need. It is way too early to get hitched up again.....DON'T. You are not fighting your way out of a vacuum.

If you do you will look back at these times and wished you had engaged more with other people for a while and not made other relationships so important. DD will too!

Look at all the good things in life. You gained a new life and more space having lost someone you no longer should be with. You feel sad, not hungry. It's great to feel sad - we get in touch with our souls. That's part of the process. You have a DD and so many experiences to share together.

Somewhere amongst all your household clutter you have a coffee pot, or a jug or lamp. It's not magic and if you rub it a genie won't jump out. You have the first wish - starting again. The rest is up to you, open that book go out and engage with all the little things in life.

Don't try too hard. Just be you, smile loads, and make the most of yourself. I guarantee in a year or two (and it is worth the wait even if longer), you will be jousting those blokes off with a shitty stick. Been there, done it from the 'other side' smile

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:08:24

Exactly what Blue said....

One thing I don't regret is that time alone. I learnt to do things like the cinema and meals on my own, trains to the city and museums. I learnt to love my own company. When I met DP it meant he brought something new into my life, he didn't fill a hole, he wasn't responsible for giving me a life, a smile, happiness, that was down to me.

And as a result you will become a highly marketable asset in life's dating game.....

Oasis888 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:28:50

Such excellent advice on here.
I'm I'm in exactly the same position, 41 too and a year separated. I've been on a few dates just for interest but no one has clicked. I've decided to make the most of my last year or so with DS.
I've got some interests, go out with friends and have done a few things which I would never have been able to do had I been in a relationship.
We should make the most of our single time as you never know when Mr Right (ish) will arrive!

ivykaty44 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:57:35

Silverfox I think you maybe near me..?

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 14-Feb-16 20:56:05

I think you are doing fine. It's only been a year, and you already acknowledge that you were getting attached to this new guy, etc. All of that is par for the course.

As others have said, you will get to the stage where you make your own happiness and realise that you are NOT alone, even if you are single. There is incredible wealth in the things we do for our own selves, and in the friendships we develop.

You are not alone, and you will be fine.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 14-Feb-16 21:22:07

Maybe this is part of the grieving process of divorce? I think also got my hopes up a bit with this other guy which is silly really I know!

Congratulations! You've got the rebound relationship with a cad out of the way and are now free to work your way through countless numbers of available honest and decent men who are looking for more than a booty call fling.

Lonelieness is a state of mind and you can be far lonelier in an unsatisfactory relationship than you will ever be living alone. If you learn how to be your own best friend and enjoy your own company, you'll have no problem rejecting substandard men who can only offer relationships that don't enhance your life.

ravenmum Sun 14-Feb-16 21:33:22

In some ways we are all alone, in our own heads, in our own lives that no one really shares with us. We are all fully responsible for sorting out our own lives, paying the bills, trying not to run anyone over and all that other adult stuff. In a couple you might have the illusion of being supported, but even the greatest couple can't be there for each other always. Finding out that you can support yourself is actually a lot more reassuring than thinking you need a partner, when no one can truly promise always to be there for you.

After years as a couple it's daunting, but now I've tasted independence again I've been reminded what I liked about it. Going to the cinema alone or joining groups of strangers is a little scary ... but it actually feels good to be doing some scary things again. I feel quite proud of myself. Now in a fledgling relationship but really hope I can keep up a lot more of the independence.

Sleepingsun Sun 14-Feb-16 21:43:06

Thank you everyone! I agree with Oasis, such excellent advice. It has really made me think and brought me hope today when I've felt so down. My DD had bought me a rose (well asked her dad to buy her one as bless she is only 4) which she gave to me when she got home. That made me smile. Like did reading your advice so thank you again everyone. I am going start learning to do things by myself and most importantly learning to love my own company.

Cyclewidow46 Sun 14-Feb-16 22:39:48

Hi OP, just wanted to say things will get better.
Lunchtime today I realised it was 23 years today that my H and I got engaged.
Last year I didn't get a valentines present for the first time in our 20 year marriage and 2 weeks later he left for the OW who he still lives with now.
What I want to say is today is the first time I can honestly say I just don't care any more! Admittedly I've yet to go down the divorce route (I will be soon). I've not been on any dates yet, just been concentrating on the kids and myself. Maybe you need to just concentrate on yourself and learn to enjoy doing what you want to do x

friendshipfloss Sun 14-Feb-16 22:56:44

My husband left me for an OW last April after 22 years of marriage. Totally out of the blue, but then I have since discovered that he had been seeing her for several years. Such an awful shock & I didn't know how I would get through it.

It is a long journey, but I am so much better every day. It still hurts like mad, but I am not prepared to entertain the idea of a new relationship until I am comfortable in my own skin. I made so many compromises to myself in the marriage that I know I have to learn to be happy on my own before I will be ready to meet a new long term partner.

So I can't offer any advice as I am in exactly the same place as you & today was a hard day for me too. There will be good days and bad days and hopefully the bad days will become less. Enjoy the small things in life as they truly are the most important. Your daughter made you smile today and that is priceless. My children are by my side and make each of my days so much brighter.

Oasis888 Mon 15-Feb-16 08:44:46

This thread has really helped me too, thank you.

meoryou Mon 15-Feb-16 09:39:33

In tears reading this. Currently separating after 12 years of marriage. Am 40 OP. At my instigation following years of emotional bullying and selfish behaviour.

I find I am easily moved by posts and comments about love right now and am trying to work out what it means to me to be loved.

I think its acceptance. I never have accepted myself, truly, and think that has contributed to my marriage failure.

I might think I want sex/snogs/thrills but right now I need time to grieve and come to terms with a new life - and to tell myself I haven't asked for too much and no, my expectations aren't too high.

I hope I can someday have a relationship that has compassion, honesty and mutual appreciation at its core. I believe in love xx

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