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PND - should I give DH a brean

(11 Posts)
Bupbupbup Sun 14-Feb-16 02:42:12

Background is that every time I try to discuss something with DH it descends into an argument with him getting really angry disproportionate to the issue. In the past he's called me names, been really nasty in arguments.

I was diagnosed with PND a few weeks ago, DH was ok but told me he isn't good at being emotionally supportive (always tells me this - when we emigrated, pregnancies, health scares). He hasn't said anything since, I've felt really alone.

At the weekends we have a plan so that each of us takes care of the baby equally (we have ds7 too) and each of us gets a break from baby duty. It's usually one of us gets a lie in then after his morning nap we alternate them alternate again after afternoon nap then he bathes and I put him to bed. Yesterday, I suggested he take him after the morning nap as he wa going out all
afternoon to the beach with DS7 - meaning I'd have baby all day again.

We had an argument, he said I can't change things to suit me, when was he going to get any free time - he'd already gone for a run and an hours nap at this stage while baby slept and I cleaned kitchen, made some lunches for the week.

Anyway in the heat of the argument he shouted at me that he needs counselling cos of me, walked out - came storming back saying 'fuck it I'm just going to say it' I said to think about what he was going to say because I'm not going to accept him listing out everything that's wrong with me or name calling - he walked away again.

He always does his share if not more of housework.

I just feel so tired of never being able to talk about anything at all because he reacts angrily. When I ask him for help practically he reacts so defensively as if by asking I'm accusing him of not doing his share.

He hasn't hugged me or given me any affection since I've been diagnosed.

But I'm all muddled, he says I'm hard to live with & I often get the feeling I'm a burden on him.

Now with this PND though I try hard not to ask anything of him, he's acting really hard done by and I feel guilty, then resentful and awful.

Any advice? Sorry for the long muddled post

Heirhelp Sun 14-Feb-16 02:58:21

How long has the name calling been going on?

It is difficult to tell from the outside as a new baby time us difficult for everybody but it sounds like he is could be causing and certainly not helping the issue. You have an illness and need extra support.

category12 Sun 14-Feb-16 03:09:16

It sounds like he does need counselling or therapy or something, because he's reacting very aggressively towards you and seems incapable of empathy.

It's not ok for him to just say he is poor at emotional support and leave you to it, or in fact worse, yell at you and verbally attack you. It's acting as though he has no control over whether he's a decent person or not. But he does.

If I were you, I would consider whether a man who consistently is either unable or unwilling to comfort or support you in times of stress or hardship is really someone you should be with. (And how his inability to do that affect the dc in the future?)

flowers I hope you are getting as much support as you can from your doctor and friends/family. Hugs.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 14-Feb-16 03:25:20

He sounds like a twat. Sorry. Agree with poster above - can you rely on family and friends for support?

Longdistance Sun 14-Feb-16 04:33:26

My Dh was like this when I broke my leg, and we had no support as lived in Oz at the time.

I hissed at him 'have you forgotten your wedding vows?' Cue look of confusion 'in sickness and in health'
He wound his neck in after that grin

Bupbupbup Sun 14-Feb-16 04:55:41

Thanks for replies.

The name calling in arguments started when we first got together if we had a drunk argument then started creeping in to normal arguments say once a year, now there's no name calling as such but always, always a litany of things I do wrong and how difficult I am to live with.

I try and get him to stay on the subject we're discussing but he's so defensive, says 'oh so you're allowed to say anything to me but I can't say anything about you'
He never starts discussions but when I do he sees it as a chance to tell me everything I've done that he says he couldn't tell me before because I'm too sensitive.
Stuff like how I do housework or pander to his mom.

He'll rarely say sorry or mention anything but for a few weeks after each argument, he's kind, affectionate, does everything for me.

Flanks Sun 14-Feb-16 06:59:25

Speaking carefully here, as the husband of a wonderful wife who also had pnd.

I shelved 19 to 20arguments during our first year, this didnt stop 10 to 15 creeping out. We were both very tired, my wife felt isolated, even though I had changed my paternity leave to be home early every day for months instead of a block 2weeks off I felt I wasnt helping enough and ai also felt criticised for not being there enough (unwarranted thought by me). I was also permanently annoyed that my wife listed to 'experts' rather than me, and bybthe 3rd time we put ourselves through following advice I knew was stupid only to follow our first thought again, I was very clear that I did not wish their advice again. I shelved arguments because I knew that we were not equipped to have them without causing harm to our relationship, because pnd and tiredness would make it impossible.

I begged my wife to seek help, and eventually a work colleague of mine who had had pnd also, helpedbher to find help. I considered help for myself too, purely to give myself a space to blurt stupidities in to!

I also felt that many things we did we at my wifes decision. Now I need to phrase this next bit right.

The point is that we were both right. She did change things, often at short notice, and often without thinking if I had counted on a short break every bit as much as she did. However, I also did not consider these things about her.

When so tired and emotional we default to self defense. It is biological programming, no point arguing about how much we still think about others (as I used to do with myself) we do default to protection and survival. Anything which threatens it is met with hostility.

None of this excuses behaviour, but it is highly likely in any situation like this that both parents are 'right' but their view of things is narrow because of tiredness and depression. The inability to talk openly increases burdens. I know that in my case, as a man that talks plenty, having to shut up and accept a lot of things allowed us to get through to a quiet patch. It is amazing after some sleep how much of it becomes obviously unimportant, and bith of us feeling rested and more relaxed allowed us to clear the air on the few things that were left.

No idea if this is meant to be helpful to you!

Bupbupbup Sun 14-Feb-16 08:49:29

Thank you all for your posts.

Flanks your perspective has been so helpful, thank you. I hope you & your wife are well now.

DH and I are def both defensive and easy to take offence at the moment but I want to figure if his anger is lashing out in fear/frustration or in contempt.

Iamdobby63 Sun 14-Feb-16 09:12:34

It's interesting he preempts any situation where you need emotional support by stating 'the he is no good' - basically saying not to expect anything from him. No wonder you feel alone.

I really think it would help if you have someone in RL to talk to.

I agree with him - he does need counselling, on his own then the two of you.

Bupbupbup Sun 14-Feb-16 11:00:14

I'm going to see a psychologist in a few weeks, long waiting list.

His family never show emotion. He said when he was a teenager if he got in trouble his mother would just stop talking to him.

His parents are split up, his Dad in another country they haven't seen each other in years and speak about twice a year. His mum lives a few hours away but they are not close and when they're together the conversation is strained and all small talk.

Iamdobby63 Sun 14-Feb-16 15:58:13

Ok so that does explain why he has communication issues and that he is not used to openly dealing with them. Doesn't mean he can't learn if he is willing to.

Asking for emotional support is not a lot to ask of your partner especially when you have been diagnosed with something.

Glad you are seeing someone - but he needs to as well.

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