Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think my marriage is over

(15 Posts)
Iloveonionchutney Sat 13-Feb-16 23:39:53

That's it really, husband of 2 1/2 years is smoking and buying cannabis. We have two dd's, 5 and just 4 months. If the smoking weed wasn't bad enough, I confronted him and he outright lied to my face. I told him before I asked outright that if I found out he lied he was to walk out the door. He lied anyway so I showed him a screenshot of a Facebook message I took from his account (I know I shouldn't be looking but I needed proof and I was right). He got ready to walk out the door, I got upset told him I'd throw his stuff out in bin bags and he started shouting and pushing through the door. He reached out for me and I told him never to lay a hand on me so he grabbed my shoulder. Not forcefully but I panicked and called the police who wouldn't believe I was fine and sent someone anyway.
He's been texting, It's now my fault apparently for spying on him, it was an overreaction calling the police (I'm not having him shouting and swearing at me in front of the kids).
I told him its drugs or us but the trust has gone and I don't know if I can ever believe him again. He gets it from a friend (his only close friend who I believe he is now staying with as he has nowhere else) and as long as that friend is in his life I'll never believe he's not smoking.
God that was long, thanks if you've stuck with me through that!

Iloveonionchutney Sun 14-Feb-16 00:02:56

I've never spent a night at home without him and as silly as it sounds I don't want to turn the lights off.

loveclouds Sun 14-Feb-16 00:16:36

Ah sorry to hear this. Its so hurtful when people you care about lie to you. You need to be able to trust your partner.

I think you did the right thing, you acted out of instinct and you are protecting yourself.

He should do whatever it takes to be with his family so having space between you will show him you mean what you say and give him time to make positive change.

I understand you feel nervous being alone. But be proud of yourself, you are one powerful mama protecting herself and kids! You are capable of being the lioness in charge.

You have not been walked over, you have stood up for yourself.

Watch something happy on tv, go to bed and take a few deep breaths and relax your whole body, on each out breath say to yourself, "I feel calm and strong".

Tomorrow is a new day and maybe you can organise with a friend or family to meet him away from home and kids to speak calmly about all this and how you can move forward.

Sending lots of love

Iloveonionchutney Sun 14-Feb-16 00:36:07

Thank you loveclouds. My mother knows everything and me and the girls are going there in the morning so i can talk to my dad too. I don't know if he'll want to speak to me, he's in work tomorrow, he did say he could come and put our oldest to bed if I wanted him too but I don't think I can deal with him being in the house.
I just wish he'd realise how stupid he's being. I'm glad I stood up to him and got him out so he knows I won't put up with it but I don't have anyone else, no really close friends I can just call for a chat and nobody who won't be judgemental and just listen. He's been my best friend for years, I can't believe he'd do this to us.

TheWhoreOfBabyliss Sun 14-Feb-16 04:40:32

I know others will disagree with this probably but once people have cannabis in their lives they rarely stop using it. This comes from bitter experience.

KoalaDownUnder Sun 14-Feb-16 04:50:44

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but you did the right thing by putting your children first. flowers

CatchAPlaneToBarcelona Sun 14-Feb-16 05:18:49

I agree with TheWhore. If he needs to lie about it then it's already controlling him to an extent and you can look forwRd to a lifetime of mood swings, lethargy, depression, paranoia, deceit and money being prioritized/put by for weed before the needs of the family.

I think you need to lay it on the line very, very clearly for him.

Aussiemum78 Sun 14-Feb-16 05:23:15

He's lied, he's done drugs and he came close to physical abuse.

It might feel like "not a big deal" in some ways, and you might be tempted to work it out - but it will only get worse.

Even if you don't want to split, you need space right now. He needs to see you will not put up with this, and if you do give him a chance it is the absolute last one. Taking some time sends that message to him.

Iloveonionchutney Sun 14-Feb-16 07:34:26

My Dd (5) is asking where daddy is this morning, she adores him and always has cuddles in the morning with him. What's this going to do to her? I can't stop crying so she thinks I'm not well.

TheTigerIsOut Sun 14-Feb-16 07:55:49

She Israel just asking be cause he is not there, try not to read too much in the situation and whatever you do, don't tell her anything about the relationship' problems or possible ending until you both know for sure what would the arrangements for accommodation and contact are (if you get to that point).

TheTigerIsOut Sun 14-Feb-16 07:57:51

Good grief, damn the autocorrect, Israel?

AtSea1979 Sun 14-Feb-16 08:00:41

You're over thinking you DDs reaction, she's 5. She'll be fine. It sounds as though you are looking for excuses to take him back, please don't let him treat you like this. Block his number and go to your parents and take some time out from it all.

Iloveonionchutney Sun 14-Feb-16 08:02:20

She thinks he had to go to work and he works long hours so she is used I him not being here from after breakfast til after she's gone to bed. He said he will come and put her to bed and I know he is off tomorrow for the day so she could see him then.
I have a medical condition so she's used to me not being well so that's not unusual for her either. The baby at least is oblivious to it all.
I'm going to my parents for the day but I'm dreading seeing how upset my dad will be.

loveclouds Sun 14-Feb-16 10:37:26

Hello again, stay strong and this time apart will do you both good. You could always ring up a drug helpline like FRANK to have chat with them and they maybe able to give you some advice or signpost you relevant people.

People can easily get addicted to drugs and yes it ruins lives and families but with the right drive they can come off. Its never an easy road but with the right support it can happen.

Getting to the root issue is vital, I have seen people deal with the outer layers of addiction and they come off, make some changes but their demons are still there and come back in different ways. He needs to address his whole being, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Addiction support, counselling and positive changes to his life/routine/interests will help him on the right track.

But thing for sure is you can not help him, he has to do it, he has to take all the steps, contact the support and make those changes. It has to come from him, he has to feel in control of his life and you can support. It may have to be from a distance at first.

You may look back in time and see even though this was an awful time for you but by standing your ground and making him see what he is set to lose and how it upsets and effects his family will in time turn it around for you all. You all deserve to be happy and you have started that change.

If it does not work out and he does not fight to make life better and you go your separate ways you have shown your children, that they come first, you will always protect them and you will be a great model showing them how to stand up and protect themselves.

Sending hugs xx

DoreenLethal Sun 14-Feb-16 10:41:42

I saw your other post, the drugs is just the straw that broke you OP - he has been abusive to you since the start, hasn't he?

This is the start of you finding your way in life; I really hope you can keep him away from you and your children.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now