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If you ended up in a bad relationship, what were the early warning signs?(109 Posts)
Not just talking about abusive relationships but ones where you ended up unhappy, you realised you were fundamentally incompatible, or he was selfish, didn't make you happy, was unfaithful or lazy, un attentive etc. I see so many women talking about unhappy relationships they are in and I wonder if, with hindsight, there were moments that revealed his true character, but you just didn't pay attention to them?
If there are warning bells, please listen to them.
Selfish behaviour, such as going out when he wanted, even though he knew I wasn't happy; a refusal to try to change negative behaviour -"I know I take you for granted sometimes, but it's just how I am"; a refusal to discuss anything disagreeable...
For me, it's been things like having a temper, as eventually it will be turned on you, blaming the exes for relationship breakdowns and not taking any responsibility themselves, and, very importantly, words and actions not matching. Learnt this the hard way!
Listening to my gut feelings in the beginning... His odd behaviour just staring at me all the time and never saying anything, then when I'd ask what was wrong him say nothing. His past relationships not working out for reasons now I believe he was scared of commitment and yes 2 years down the line he's gone... Not sure it's what he wants and he's 40 ....so good luck to him finding what he wants now !
As PP said, having nothing but terrible things to say and horrible stories about exes and taking no responsibility for the break ups.
I can Illustrate the story.
I got a job after uni. Six months later, I had saved 2K, and I was repaying £220 pcm of my student loan. I left uni with 14K of debt.
I was paying £50 into a pension.
This was in the 1990s.
By the time I'd saved 4K, he decided to have a 'romantic holiday'. He was earning 9x what I what earning.
Apparently I had to pay 50/50. I had no say in the holiday.
I pointed out that I couldn't actually afford that holiday.
Three days later he stopped screaming at me.
After three days I agreed I was shit at money so he took control of my finances.
Here I am.
WellWho Knew I'm so sorry, that's awful.
when he wouldn't speak or look at me for days on end but not tell me what I'd "done wrong ". After a few days, I'd be a nervous wreck, desperately trying to get back into his good books again. Then, when he thought it had gone on long enough, I would be told of some petty infraction and I would, to my shame, promise never to do it again. It took me 30 years to stop that cycle. 30 fucking wasted years.
And it started within a year of our wedding too. Dumb eh?
We were just getting increasingly bored of each other. He wanted marriage, and of course, babies. I wanted neither. Well, not with him anyway.
'Alarm Bells' for me were his whining that he didn't get the subjects he wanted to study at school. This was at the age of 18 and more. Yet another time, telling me how proud he was about the amount of time he skived off school. Not least as he had a pocket money job at the time which he preferred as he wanted to be in the adult world because, of course he was to good for school.
The word, 'loser' was not in my vocabulary at the time. I don't particularly like that word now. Everyone hits a bum note sooner or later.
I couldn't help but think, 'pocket money jobs. Is that it ? Where do you go from there ? Oh, that's right. More pocket money jobs, no real salary expectations.'
Something in my, 'psyche' was telling me relationship, yes. Marriage, no.
Listening to your gut instincts, it's always right, lying/bending about the simplest little insignificant things, never taking responsibility for their actions,
Rude to shop assistants/waitresses. Totally dysfunctional family, serious issues with his mother. Constant lying about stupid things - he'd lie about irrelevant things like what he'd had for lunch. Jealous. Mean with money, didn't believe in charity. Could add hundreds more, but those were, in hindsight, major red flags.
I'm still in my relationship and having serious doubts...I don't trust my partner at all. I found out 18 months into our relationship that he was having an online relationship with a girl from Australia, I wasn't allowed to meet his family and only met them once our ds was about 3 months old. I own my house, he finally deigned to move in and pay half the bills when I was 6 months pregnant. He claims he has debt (he ran it up apparently on holiday abroad with another girlfriend over 10 years ago) and so has bought none of the "big" items for our ds ie cot, pram, etc. I've bought them all. He only gets paid slightly less than me. But...he can afford to drink every single night without fail oh, and smoke too. It's now almost 4 years into this relationship and although he's a good dad I don't think I can trust him and that's a bit rubbish for poor ds to grow up around. Oh and I feel like a dick because of all of this and I'm wide awake at stupid o'clock while he takes up all the bed...live and learn, folks
His relationship with his mother. Look at how he treats her, does he answer her calls, does he respect her, spend time with her? How is he when you and she are together?
It's a big indicator OP.
I would never go out with anyone who says nasty stuff about their exes. If a man isn't mature enough to be respectful about someone he was once in love with, that would worry me.
I really like everyone I've gone out with - of course they've not always behaved brilliantly, nor have I, but basically I have gone out with nice people!
I was so lucky as I got out after 18 months, so the being rude to waitresses and taxi-drivers came at the end.
But what sticks in my mind was that in the early days if I planned to see some friends, he'd say how much he wanted to spend that time with me and I would be so flattered and cancel my plan with my friends. Then months later it would be a major scene if I said I was going to see any friends.
There were so many things wrong with that relationship, but the attempt at isolating me, which escalating to telling me that friends had said nasty things to him about me (I found out later that was untrue), is what really sticks with me.
I didn't want to "interfere" but he had an arrangement with his ex that they both paid halves of a car loan after they split....on a car he kept because she didn't have her licence. At the time I thought it odd but he explained he needed the car but couldn't afford to refinance it when they split and after some time he refinanced it....but he kept the car she had paid toward 100%.
He was hungover every Sunday to the point where he couldn't get out of bed...I thought it was just because we were "young" and partying. He's an alcoholic.
One of his work colleagues, a boyfriend of my friend, said we were better suited than his ex and he'd always get frustrated with "how stupid she is". Wasn't that long before I became the stupid one.
I was unhappy with our sex life early on, but thought it was because my ex had a really high sex drive and he might be normal...didn't take long for him to lose interest altogether.
His father abandoned him, had affairs, was a drunk, but the parent he couldn't stand was his mother....
Told lies, often about small insignificant things, usually to manipulate people into doing exactly what he wanted, or to shift blame.
Spoke critically about everyone, thought other people were beneath him.
Capable of being very generous with money and time, but only if there was an audience, so made lavish gestures but then complained bitterly afterwards.
Always always always put himself first, in every possible way. From giving himself the best slice of cake to choosing what we watched on tv or where we went on holiday, He never did a single thing he didn't want to do, or compromise in any way.
Lying about his name. Omitting to tell me significant things that had happened in his life whilst I was seeing him. Finding out he was still married.
Yes beware the man who tells horror stories about his exes. If you meet a man who has a 'mad' ex, chances are he's an arsehole, she's sane and she could tell you a thing or two that he wouldn't want out to know about.
Warning signs for me were mean with money, competitiveness, poking 'gentle' fun at me (especially my looks) but not liking anything of the sort back. Vanity was a another big one. A vain man is a man not to be trusted. I went out with two vain arseholes in a row and both turned out bad. The most recent one I had three kids with and he had an affair in the end, which was ALL about his ego and making him feel attractive and cool. The girl was ordinary but I don't think it mattered who she was; it was someone to smooth his feathers and tell him how brilliant and handsome he was.
I can tell you the parents persective on this.
1) Has your son or daughter met their OH parents, if not why not.
2) Do they lie to your daughter or son.
3) Do they give in to your child all the time, i'm sorry but it just isn't right for anyone in a relationship to be a door mat.
4) Do they hae lots of friends, this is a real thing as if they havn't got friends why?
5) Either way its a mine field i have stepped through with both son and daughter just put your tim hats on!!!!
Shutting down "difficult" conversations
No interest in health
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