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Male friend being too clingy

(144 Posts)
conversationdiva Sat 13-Feb-16 17:48:29

I recently went out for coffee with an old workmate from a couple of years ago. We've always been friendly and stayed in touch through social media and he's been feeling a bit down recently as his long term girlfriend has left him for someone else. I see him as a friend and that's always been very clear but over the past week or so he's been behaving in a way that has worried me.

We met for a catch up in a coffee shop after not seeing each other for a while, and talked about what we'd been up to, we spoke about work, friends, a bit about his past relationship and he mentioned that he sometimes sees my ex partner (they went to primary school together). He asked me in conversation if I was still single or was I seeing anyone and I said truthfully that I'm dating but I'm not in a relationship. I left thinking nothing more of it, just that it had been a nice catch up with an old work friend.

That evening he began sending texts asking me when we could go out again, he texted me his complete availability, his exact work hours etc and I found that a bit strange so I just said I'd contact him later on as I'm busy for the next week or so.

The next day I got a text asking me if I'd like to go to Paris with him because he'd seen that there was a concert there featuring a musician I liked (I'd mentioned I was a fan of the musician during our meeting and he'd obviously remembered.) I said no but at the time, I thought it was really inappropriate.

What followed were several attempts to meet up - him sending texts saying "I know you're busy but if you have any free time at all you can see me!" Him inviting me to his house for pizza and a film, to the cinema, out for a meal and each time I said no as it felt odd, like he was trying to use me as a replacement for his ex girlfriend. I said that he should focus on getting over the breakup and he guilt tripped me - "it's just been nice having someone to speak to, I'm sorry if you feel pestered..."

This week I've been getting texts at 7am or late at night every other day asking me if I want to meet up for another coffee, commenting on things he's seen posted on my social media etc. He went through one of my accounts and 'liked' every single picture of me (and there are only a handful of pictures of me on there, most of them are of scenery or animals or art/music so he would have to had gone through the whole thing to find them.)

Today I've just been ignoring his texts as I don't feel well and he's making me feel uncomfortable. He kept texting things like '???' when I didn't answer his first 2 messages, then switched to WhatsApp asking me to meet him, to which I replied that I'm busy all week and not to contact me. I thought about blocking him on everything but I would feel quite bad doing that and he lives nearby so I would probably still bump into him.

Sometimes I feel that I'm too nice to people and they take advantage. I'm not going to reply to this person again but it's starting to feel like harrassment. I've never given him any signals to 'lead him on' or whatever, I just viewed him as a friend but I feel like the situation is getting out of control.

timelytess Sat 13-Feb-16 17:49:56

You're doing the best you can, don't feel guilty. You can't help it if he's too keen, and eventually, he'll get the message.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Feb-16 17:59:50

It sounds as though he really likes you and fancies you. Don't get annoyed with him! If he's a nice bloke, could you introduce him to any single friends?

IrenetheQuaint Sat 13-Feb-16 18:02:20

FFS Imperial, he's harassing the OP and she would be mad to introduce him to any female friends.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Feb-16 18:04:34

Sorry, you're right. I read it too quickly and just thought he'd been in touch a couple of times.

BenHer Sat 13-Feb-16 18:14:47

Text him.. "Whoa! Enough, you're making me feel uncomfortableI'll text you when and if I'm ready to meet up again".

honeyroar Sat 13-Feb-16 18:16:08

I had an ex uni flat mate that went a bit like this. He'd also broken up from a long term relationship. I think he was floundering on his own and trying to jump straight into another relationship with me possibly because he felt comfortable with me? I ended up backing right off from the friendship. He calmed down when he got another girlfriend, but for me he'd ruined what we had as he had changed from a good friend I'd trusted into someone who could potentially turn back into a pest again. The friendship fizzled out.

I think you could possibly be at the same stage, where the friendship has altered beyond repair. I would message him that all these messages are freaking you out a bit and smothering the friendship you have for him, if he wants the friendship to continue he needs to calm it right down. If he's a real friend he will. If he doesn't it may be the end of an era.

TealLove Sat 13-Feb-16 18:17:13

I would write
Please stop messaging me. See what happens.
I think he sounds emotionally vulnerable or possibly disturbed.

conversationdiva Sat 13-Feb-16 18:20:42

Just got another message from him saying "I hope I haven't upset or annoyed you"

I think I'm going to have to reply and tell him how he's making me feel by being like this. I don't want him to turn nasty over it though.

Lookatyourwatchnow Sat 13-Feb-16 18:24:25

This is creepy and unsettling.

honeyroar Sat 13-Feb-16 18:24:51

Yes reply. Tell him he's been too full on and needs to back off, he's a friend and you want it to stay that way. If he can't grasp that then you have to block or ignore totally, I guess.

MoominPie22 Sat 13-Feb-16 18:27:03

Yep be honest with him. Maybe txt that you´re not happy with the amount of badgering he is doing and yes, it now feels like you´re being pestered. Then tell him that this will be the LAST txt that he will recieve from him and if he persists further you will block his number.

I really think you need to be blunt so there can be no misunderstanding. Otherwise, if you aren´t blunt and don´t spell it out, in his warped little obsessed mind he may think you´re playing hard to get! Seriously, don´t be nice and worry about his feelings. Be firm.

He´s going on like a bloody stalker shock To say his behaviour is excessive is an understatement! Watch, you´ll get a big bouquet and a card tomorrow too, at this rate!!

Get him told, girl! smile

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sat 13-Feb-16 18:28:32

Reply saying 'I think you want a more intense friendship than I am able/willing to provide and so I think it's best if we don't contact each other from now on. All the best'

MoominPie22 Sat 13-Feb-16 18:29:31

*from YOU not him.blush Fat Fingers strike again......

TealLove Sat 13-Feb-16 18:37:03

Don't go into detail just say
Please stop messaging me

Honestly see what happens it will speak volumes

SelfRaisingFlour Sat 13-Feb-16 18:38:14

This is from The Onion...

You're going to need to be blunt.

liberatedwine Sat 13-Feb-16 18:43:42

You have to be cruel to be kind ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬

I went on one date once with a guy, who although pleasant enough, wasn't right, and I didn't arrange to see him again. He obviously felt differently and started bombarding me with texts and calls. I turned my phone off one evening because it was stressing me out, and the next morning there were 14 missed calls shock

I had to block him after that. He was leaving voicemail messages telling me I was his soulmate and his happy ever after - scary stuff.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 13-Feb-16 18:44:41

Remember you don't owe this man anything at all. it's not your fault that he is lonely/fancies you/bored. He has no right to your time, sympathy or attention.
Send him a blunt instruction to leave you alone. If he contacts you again, send him one more message informing him that any further attempt at contact will be reported to the police. His behaviour is creepy, intrusive and unacceptable.

Hissy Sat 13-Feb-16 18:47:29

Anyone who sent me ???? After a text would get it both barrels/blocked.

He's too much, you're intimidated and uncomfortable. Please listen to your instincts here.

You're doing that "good girls must be polite" business. Stop it.

(((Hug))) sounds most unsettling sad

pictish Sat 13-Feb-16 18:53:00

Yes...all sympathy (cos I can be a right softy) went at the '???'.

sonjadog Sat 13-Feb-16 19:07:30

Do you still want to be friends with him or do you want him gone for good? If you still want to be friends and think this is coming because he is in a bad place at the moment, then send him a mesage being clear that this is too much and needs to stop now, and then see how he responds after that. If he really is a friend who is just out of control at the moment, then that will hopefully snap him back into shape. If you want to get rid, then just tell him to leave you alone and ignore.

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 13-Feb-16 19:09:38

Agree with pps. He's being pushy because he thinks he can get away with it. He has no right to demand your time, attention or anything. Mega creepy.

LaContessaDiPlump Sat 13-Feb-16 19:13:29

Please do not contact me again. I will not respond to any further messages.

Then don't.

I am currently reading 'The gift of fear' by Gavin de Becker and he would nod earnestly at the above advice smile

OTheHugeManatee Sat 13-Feb-16 19:14:55

Phone him up and be absolutely clear. "You are bombarding me with texts, it's too much. I don't want a relationship with you and it all feels a bit stalkery. Please can you stop.'

TealLove Sat 13-Feb-16 19:22:36

I think he's projecting his break up onto you !!

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