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I don't know what to do - a bit of handholding

(84 Posts)
withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 17:16:05

I'm not sure if this is best here or in bereavement.

I posted a few weeks back as I thought DH might be seeing someone else. I now don't think this is the case.

DH suffered a bereavement a few months ago. It was a close family member. Around the same time, DH's behaviour (understandably) changed. He seemed quite distant and was finding excuses not to be at home. These things and a few other things, made me feel that something was wrong and I floundered and concluded that he was interested in someone from work. Like I said, I don't think this is the case. I may be wrong, but I think I trust hi on this.

Anyway, the last few months have been awful. More of the same and I've also been suffering panic attacks because of the stress I'm feeling in our relationship. DH is obviously struggling with grief and I feel unable to help. I felt that something had changed in our relationship but I couldn't put my finger on it. I've tried not to badger him as I recognise that's the last thing he needs.

Anyway, last night he told me that about a couple of months ago, something changed and, though he loves me and always will, he's no longer in love with me and thinks it better if he moves out. He said that he can't see a future with me and can't see how he can get back to how he did feel about me. This also corresponds with the bereavement. Almost the same time frame, but he doesn't feel that the two are connected. He feels that they are two separate incidents.

He has agreed to get some bereavement counselling and, after that, will go to relate with me.

What on earth do I do?

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Feb-16 17:23:10

When you say you thought he was seeing someone else, was there anything you can pinpoint to make you think that? Was he coming home from work later, clinging to his phone etc?

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 17:26:02

No, not clinging to his phone, sometimes he comes home from work later, but that's always been the case as it's the nature of his job. I did see texts to a female colleague - not intimate really, quite friendly and thanking her 'for everything' (he says she'd covered his shifts while he was on compassionate leave) there were a few others and then he deleted the thread of texts.

Borninthe60s Sat 13-Feb-16 17:27:49

I think it's possibly all a grief reaction. Will he go and discuss with GP. He may be depressed.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 17:29:22

I think he's depressed. I've asked him to go to GP. He won't want medication but I think he may need it short term. He's seeing a counsellor next week and has agreed to have bereavement counselling after that.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 17:31:54

I've go so many questions I need answers to but he has none of the answers. I've always been so sure of his love for me. We've loved each other since we were 14/15 and I always knew, just knew, he loved me. And for it to have gone has devastated me.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Feb-16 17:32:05

I'm sorry, but I think the fact he deleted a thread of texts is very, very suspicious. I can't think of a time I've ever done that, can you?

greendandelion Sat 13-Feb-16 17:32:13

My dh lost a close family member a couple of years ago and really changed. Became close to his good friend who he called his 'soul mate' and went and took up new hobbies, neglecting his home life. Things have never been the same but he won't have bereavement counselling and we have now agreed that our marriage is over. I honestly think we would still be together if the bereavement hadn't happened sad
I am glad your dh has agreed to counselling and hope that this will help you both.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 17:35:53

Yes. I have deleted a thread of texts, actually.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 17:37:40

greendandelion that's sad. And it's what worries me. I have always been his best friend and he's just not talking to me about any of this.

greendandelion Sat 13-Feb-16 17:40:30

Yes, he wouldn't talk to me (only his friend), then later complained that I hadn't supported him through it. I hope it works out OK for you flowers

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 17:42:05

Was his friend male or female, greendandelion?

greendandelion Sat 13-Feb-16 17:46:00

Male, they're not so close now but the damage was done.I was accused of being 'jealous' of their friendship and couldn't win, whatever I did. Dh couldn't see that this was a big problem and I was effectively shut out when I should have been supporting him.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 18:19:11

That's so sad sad

Joysmum Sat 13-Feb-16 19:36:48

If he won't accept meds then get him to self refer for counselling. If you can afford it then go private as the NHS has a long waiting list. You can also look up CRUSE online.

MatrixReloaded Sat 13-Feb-16 20:11:50

Unfortunately the phrase I love you but I'm not in love with you , is the phrase commonly used by cheaters. Google it. It sounds like the woman at work has been supporting him through the bereavement and its led to an affair. This is sadly very common after a bereavement.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sat 13-Feb-16 21:14:27

Yes - that may be true Matrix. At the moment, though, he seems severely depressed to me.

He's never lied to me in the past, so I choose to trust him now when he says there's nothing happening - otherwise, what's the point? I will also drive myself mad which is not going to help my current situation.

At the moment, I think I need to get him to the GP above all else.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Wed 17-Feb-16 07:13:11

Right then. He's had a counselling session and seems to have made his mind up that leaving is the right thing to do because he doesn't feel it's right to lead me on and give me false hope. He says that he loves me to pieces but has fallen out of love with me. There is no one reason, just lots of little things. Of I'm honest, I've had the same concerns from a different angle. I was worried that we were drifting apart, too. I've loved him for 27 years. We've not been together all that time, though. I worry that we're hanging to to this because of the past because we both thought the other was 'the one'. I feel he is for me. There have been times that I've loved him less than others and have fallen out of love with him too. That has always passed and I've never mentioned it and have got on with it. Thought it was par for the course in a marriage. This is the first time he has felt this. For the last two months in 12 years. I keep clinging to the timing. It's been two months since his brother died. Maybe it has nothing to do with it. I don't know any more.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Thu 18-Feb-16 11:36:22


Itisbetternow Thu 18-Feb-16 11:44:59

I'm so sorry OP. I think you need to listen to what he is saying. You need to start protecting yourself and see a solicitor. Do you have children? If so your H and you need to one to an arrangement for him to have the children to stay. He needs to understand the enormity of what he is saying and for him to do that you need to take control of sorting yourself out. He is being incredibly selfish. I agree marriage is peaks and troughs and we don't just walk out when it gets tough. It really wouldn't surprise me if in a few mths an OW pops up so be prepared. Hugs .

withaspongeandarustyspanner Thu 18-Feb-16 11:58:39

You know, I really don't think there is an OW. I don't think I am being naive. He said that during his counselling session, his counsellor asked him if he was being fair to me and stringing me along if this decision has been made. He told me it made him think and what he thought was that if I wanted to move on and get on with my life that he wouldn't want to stop me. I don't want this. I don't want the relationship to end. I want to work things through and try to put things right and he said he will try too. But he said he can't give me any guarantees which I accept. I can't just walk away from this without trying and I think he needs to try too. He said he's not planning anything immediate - talking of 6 months, a year, maybe 2. I hope that the feelings he had for me come back in that time. He said during that time, if I find someone who makes me happy, he wouldn't stand in my eyes, but he has no intention of a relationship with anyone or even looking for one. He said he cares so much about me but has lost some of the feelings he had and can't see a way back. He feels this is permanent. It seems to have happened around the time of his brother's death so I initially thought it was grief or depression, but it may just have been him taking stock of his life. He says he feels disconnected to me, the house and the children.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Thu 18-Feb-16 12:00:08

In my way not my eyes

withaspongeandarustyspanner Thu 18-Feb-16 12:01:49

Interestingly, his father died about 4 years ago and he had a similar wobble about his job. Didn't want to work, didn't see the point of doing a job he didn't want to do, wanted to move to France and have a complete change of life with all of us.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Thu 18-Feb-16 18:21:31

Any suggestions how to deal with this on a day-to-day basis? I'm really struggling.

springydaffs Thu 18-Feb-16 20:19:27

I don't have the exact same experience but I have experienced someone very close changing beyond recognition following a sudden close bereavement. I can honestly say this person is nothing like they were - complete and total change. It is as though they are entirely cut off from themselves - I knew this person down to their bones but I have no idea who they are now. I recently saw a picture of them and didn't recognise them at all. And yes, this person has chosen to cut me loose entirely.

It fucking HURTS. But there is nothing you can do, you have to accept it.

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