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please hand me a grip, I can't pull myself together

(57 Posts)
girlintheriver Sat 13-Feb-16 14:05:11

Dh left in December, ummed and ahhed about being with me or not until two weeks ago when he said he definitely wasn't coming back.

We've been together since school, we have three small dc's.

I love him, I am devastated. I'm pretty sure there will be someone else.
I just can't seem to pull myself together and stop crying. Rl friends have been disappointing in their support as has my family who think I should be getting over it by now.

I just feel so alone, I loved him ffs, I was happy (him evidently not) I've never wanted anyone else. I just don't know how to get over this, I don't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying. I just want to feel better. I want a hug, I want the pitying looks to stop at the school gate. Even the solicitors I've seen at the consultations all have a pitying look. I am sick of being asked 'is there someone else.'

I've been off work since he left, I had a meeting with my manager last week and she said 'I can't imagine what your going through, I always think my husband needs me more than I need him so I think I'd be ok if he left.'
I feel like such a failure, I've failed myself, failed my kids and I don't know where to go from here

Robotgirl Sat 13-Feb-16 14:11:39

Hi OP
Sorry you're having such a hard time. Sounds like you're being really strong (without realising it perhaps) bringing up 3 kids with what sounds like mediocre support from your family & friends.
Things WILL get better & easier.
Why do you think you've failed your kids?
Do you think counselling would help? It's helped me loads. I broke up with my ex when my daughter was 15 months. I now see how unhealthy our relationship was & feel like me again.

girlintheriver Sat 13-Feb-16 14:22:06

I just feel like I've failed because now the children are going to be split between two households and they didn't see it coming.
We didn't argue, or hate each other, nothing was wrong, he just decided he was unhappy and didn't feel the same about me anymore. We were good together.
I just feel so low, what's wrong with me. How could he do this?
It just doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I'd like to try counselling but I just know if be a sobbing mess.

Robotgirl Sat 13-Feb-16 15:15:02

Nothing wrong with being a sobbing mess. We've all been there, OP wink
How old are your kids?

girlintheriver Sat 13-Feb-16 15:18:34

6,4 and 2 sad

Robotgirl Sat 13-Feb-16 15:26:23

OP, I think you need to be kinder to yourself. None of this is your fault.
Your kids need you & you need to try & be strong for them & for you.
To do this you need support. Who have you got locally? Any close friends? Family members?

Iamdobby63 Sat 13-Feb-16 15:51:42

Girl, I agree you do need to be kinder to yourself. None of this is your fault and it is very sad, but.... it's happened and the pain isn't going to stop until you decide you will brush yourself off and possibly get a little angry as well.

amarmai Sat 13-Feb-16 17:33:13

on the plus side:
1 you have family
2 you have friends
3 you have solicitors
4 you have 3 dcc
5 you have MN
6 you have a home
7 you will get financial support
8 you have yourself
9 you have a future with many possibilities
10 you can get counselling
Please continue this list and write it out every day until you stop crying and turn your emotional brain around.

girlintheriver Sat 13-Feb-16 19:23:15

Thank you for all your replies,
I have booked a counsellor to start next week. It's the future I'm so uncertain of, we had it all planned out and now I'm left in my early thirties with three young children.
I gave up a good career to support him in his and I feel bitter about that now.

I only have a couple of rl friends, one has been good support but is very black and white has previously been the ow so is somewhat skewed in her opinions and support. The other one seems to be getting more distant.

How do I cope when I find out who the ow is (if there is one yet) he's only ever been with me. It breaks my heart. I feel weak and pathetic, i want to be strong and angry but I just miss him and us and our family unit.

Robotgirl Sat 13-Feb-16 20:33:50

OP, you are being strong because you are looking after 3 children, you have accessed counselling, you have asked for help on here & you are able to recognise that your friends aren't being very helpful.
Well done OP.
You will get there. Keep posting here. It's a new & difficult chapter but you can do it.

Qwertyy Sat 13-Feb-16 20:51:24

Fuck the flakey cunt, he doesn't deserve you or your precious children.
grin

girlintheriver Sat 13-Feb-16 21:10:35

Qwerty- smile
I know he doesn't, I just need to start thinking like that and believing it. Instead of thinking what's wrong with me.

Stupid bastard- three kids in four years takes a toll you know, a huge mortgage, 15 fucking years together.
You'd think he could have decided he wasn't happy before all of that. The twat. Honestly I want to do bad bad things to him with rusty nails.

Qwertyy Sat 13-Feb-16 22:05:02

I hope I didn't sound flippant, I really didn't mean to. I could just join you in he rusty nail punishment!
It just really gave me strength to start thinking along the lines of off you fuck then. It really really did.

There's nothing wrong with you - usually it's shallow little men who don't appreciate their wonderful family and think the grass is greener.

I really wish you the best. Please think of the 3 blessings you have too. You sound lovely and deserve to be appreciated.

timelytess Sat 13-Feb-16 22:12:50

You aren't a failure. Keep plodding on and one day you'll realise you are magnificent.

He's the loser. More fool him.

OldestStory Sat 13-Feb-16 22:15:30

Know just how you feel. 💐

It's horrible.

amarmai Sat 13-Feb-16 22:19:16

#11 you are YOUNG
Get in touch with former work mates and see how you can ease back into that career.
#12 you had the best of him
#13 it's an excellent idea to have your kids early and close together.
Find out about before and after school programs and get on the list. Use the counsellor for downloading the grief and worries and the friends for more lighthearted stuff=pretend until you feel it. You will get there .

girlintheriver Sat 13-Feb-16 22:22:43

Thanks everyone.
Oldest story winethanks for you too, feel free to pm if you want a rant and to share the rage!

It doesn't help that I still find him so attractive, I think about him all of the time. He's mine (although not in his head anymore) and it kills me to think of him with someone else.

I am knackered and the house is too big and full of memories, everything just seems like an impossible task and I'm not even back at work yet.

Kudos to you single mums, I am sick of this shit already and it's only been two months. Never ending washing, ironing, cleaning, etc.

He's at his parents, rent free and no responsibilities. The stupid cunting bastard wank badging twat face

Kirk123 Sun 14-Feb-16 00:20:49

Keep strong of course you still love him and fancy him that's normal , all your emotions are normal when you have been abandoned! I am going through same shit after 31 yrs and 50 in May , doing no contact has saved my life these last 3 weeks , we are all here to support you , take care and just breath and go with what your body needs xxx

goddessofsmallthings Sun 14-Feb-16 01:50:22

The stupid cunting bastard wank badging twat face

That's the spirit! Keep it coming as good old-fashioned righteous anger will start putting lead in your pencil and get you through a time that's almost a rite of passage for the many women who've had the misfortune to marry weak willed maggots men who are morally incapable of adhering to their vows.

The only way to go from here is to start creating a bright new future for you and your dc and it doesn't have to be a case of 'easier said than done'.

Start giving the house a makeover by rearraging the furniture and rid it of anything that reminds you of him. If it's too big to manage single handed, consider renting a room at a reduced market rate to a lodger who can make up the difference by undertaking cleaning and other houshold chores x hours a week and/or help you out with the dc.

I don't want to hear that you can't do it because I know you CAN reconnect with the determined woman you've always been and go on to achieve much more than you could have done with him in your life.

As it's highly unlikely he's spending his time obsessing about you, you're going to take a leaf out of his book and start compartmentalising your thoughts. Visualise a box in your mind that says 'not to be opened until 10pm'. Put all thoughts of him that would plague you if you gave them houseroom into this box and don't open it until the stated time, or when the dc are soundly asleep and you can have a sobfest while soaking in a hot bath or sipping a glass of wine. Allow yourself 15 minutes of wallowing in self-pitying thoughts of what was and what might have been before stuffing all of the torment back in the box and firmly shut the lid until tomorrow - set an alarm to make sure you don't exceed the time allowed and be prepared to sit on the lid to make sure it stays closed.

If necessary use ads & sleepers to get yourself back to work asap as rejoning the ratrace will drag you, albeit kicking and screaming, into your new normal and those pitying looks will soon cease once you trowel on the slap and paste a smile on your face - and you do have a lot to smile about as, although experience never comes cheap, this learning curve will teach you a lot of valuable lessons that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

Your mantra has to be 'Fake it till you make it' and I have every confidence that you WILL make it faster than you may believe possible at the present time.

Keep posting here and let this thread be your progress chart - when you look back at it in a couple of months' time you'll be amazed at how far you've come since you started it.

Honestly I want to do bad bad things to him with rusty nails Add some scabby old pliers, a pair of handcuffs, a rusty razor blade, and fantasise away - regard it as a new pleasurable hobby to be savoured with relish and let there be no restraint on your imagination... grin

girlintheriver Sun 14-Feb-16 10:06:47

Thanks again everyone-

I think it's fear that's holding me back. The fear that I've never lived on my own, I went from my parents to living with him.
We've had joint everything since, friends, finances, experiences.
Now in my early thirties I'm having to start afresh and learn as I go. I hate not being in control of the future.

I have to meet him today to negotiate contact for the dc's and finances sad I suggested a public place so I wouldn't be tempted to bring my tool kit of torture grin

MadisonMontgomery Sun 14-Feb-16 10:35:56

You are stronger than you know - you're the one running the house and keeping it all together whilst he's just crawled back to mummy & daddy. Go back to work, see the solicitor & get the divorce moving. You will be fine.

MadisonMontgomery Sun 14-Feb-16 10:47:12

And when you meet him today, put on an outfit that makes you feel confident, slap on some makeup, and walk in & TELL him what arrangement works best for YOU re finances & childcare. Have a think beforehand & make sure it is fair - write it down if that's easier - then tell him this is what the pair of you are going to do, and any changes that he suggests that aren't fair or are detrimental to you - tell him that isn't going to work and you are going to see your solicitor.

magoria Sun 14-Feb-16 12:04:47

No matter what is said today. You do not have to agree to it.

If you don't like his suggestions simply say you will think about it and get back to him.

You are in control of your future.

He has done the worst thing possible and left you at the bottom with 3 young kids and a mortgage.

Once you get sorted nothing will be as bad flowers

Iamdobby63 Sun 14-Feb-16 12:20:31

Negotiate hard!

Since you separated has he been having the children? I guess if it's at his parents it wouldn't effect him much.

girlintheriver Sun 14-Feb-16 12:36:00

Oh I'm looking good today! I'm preparing what to say to him re the kids and maintenance while the kids are running off steam at the play gym.

I think I'm gonna play it really cool, in hindsight I've probably been abit needy and using the children as abit of a bargaining tool with the you left us they are my children stance.
But I already feel stronger now, I'm going to stay matter of fact and agree to him having the children three times a week.
We have agreed on maintenance, just need to divide the assets and agree after school activities and who pays for what.

He gets paid next week, I'm going to withdraw the majority of the funds from the joint account, and then get rid of the overdraft. I've made an appointment to close it too.
The mortgage is still in both names until I can get it on my own, which won't be until May or June depending on finances but there's a block on any additional borrowing.
I know he's wanting to rent somewhere this month. He's agreed I can have the house.

I have bought a pay as you go phone with a new number, I'm thinking I can then just turn the phone on when he has the kids and when I've got them I can turn it off and don't have to deal with him.

Am I missing anything else really important?
On my list to discuss, I have;
Childcare arrangements
The house
Maintenance
Debts
Decisions affecting the children, how will we agree on these
What happens when the kids are ill
What happens on birthdays and Christmas
What happens with appointments for gp, dentist etc
How will we handle new relationships around the kids. (Not thinking of me here, more him)

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