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AIBU to stop contact completely between my ex and our kids (sorry very long)

(19 Posts)
CookiesNookie Sat 13-Feb-16 00:41:41

PLEASE BEAR WITH ME

Sorry I didn't want to put this under AIBU as right now I don't think I can take a bashing from anyone. I and my kids have been through so much over the last 8 months that I am literally exhausted by it all. I am also the poster who posted over the summer holidays about him dropping the kids off on my doorstep and drove off knowing I wasn't at home and my girls had to cross the road and knock on neighbours doors to be let in.

I've posted here and there before and I am a regular lurker following many relationship posts for years now. But a little bit of background so that I cannot be accused of drip feed.
STBEXH and I separated over the Fathers Day weekend last year after I discovered his affair when he walked out a very important meeting with my DD2's (age 4) information meeting for starting school in September due to work being too busy to stay any longer. It was a 2hr meeting starting at 9 and he left 45 mins in. I called him at work by 3pm to confirm a BBQ we were invited to the next day and discovered that he wasn't at work. I found out at 3pm called him and he therefore knew I knew he wasn't at work yet he only turned up at 4am that Saturday morning.
By then after lots of searching through Facebook and phone records I discovered who he was with and knew it all and just needed his admission. I kicked him out promptly.

He has since been an absolute ass. He is a very high earner. Wasn't in fixed employment when we were dating and lost his job the week after we got married. I was going through a job change and actually got a job but found out I was expecting and with his encouragement decided to not accept the new job which could have been the making of me. He started the industry he is still in midway through the pregnancy. I'm not British and due to my visa I wasn't entitled to any benefits so that when I had to return to work we could not claim any help as he was only earning £17000 a year. I became a childminder but due to his DV and a horrible accusation by a mum which was untrue I had to make a choice between my little family and childminding. DD1 was only 18 months and I wasn't doing it for long so I chose our family as I was shocked that someone could be so cruel and accuse me of things that never happened which the police said that she did that to 2 childminders before.
That very month that I chose my family he left as he wanted the freedom that came with working with young single guys. We separated for 4 months as the moment he saw that I was trying to move on he wanted our family. We got back together and a year later we had DD2. 2 weeks before my due date I found out he was using cocaine. Tried everything to help but he eventually cleaned out his account and disappeared over a weekend leaving me with newborn and 3 year old. I had enough but then and split for a 2nd time. He caused huge amount of debt and lots of upset. During all of this I also discovered how he treated his family for many years before me.

A year later we got back together after I supported him getting off drugs as he was capable of being a good dad when he wasn't drugged up. He even quit smoking. So for the last 4 years we were finally happy. He stayed at his job for 7 years and we moved cities as a fresh start 2 years ago. Or more 2.5 years almost now. In the 4 years that we've been back together we worked very very hard to get rid of his debt. He caused loads. Credit card, pay day loans etc. He commuted for the 1st 6 months until he got fired from his job (won't even go into the reasons for it). He secured a job in our area literally 5 mins from home. He supported my sewing business I started and shared it with all of his work colleagues. I met all of them at a couple of work do's. Within 8 months he finally got a managerial promotion something we've always wanted. I got offered a job that was full time and he thought that he couldn't share the school runs etc now that he is a manager and I had to decline the job and apply for something part-time to start in September when our little one started school and still be there for pickup etc. We discovered in June that finally all his debt was cleared and we could finally start working on our savings for us to buy with my salary being the one which will go into the savings pot.

3 weeks later I discovered his affair which started 2 weeks before. She literally started work end of May and he never mentioned her name. He always spoke about work and new starters. He was her manager and I personally think he fancied her immediately. She was friends with him on Facebook by the time I found out as well and she knew about me and the girls as she liked all of our photos that was uploaded during May Half term. Obviously I kicked him out and they continued their relationship. He hardly saw the kids during that time and as I said dumped them by my front door when I wasn't at home to make sure that he could spend time with her instead. He never had contact with the kids since that first week in August until Oct a week before I left to my home country. He only saw the kids because his dad insisted on removing his luxuries in the bachelor pad that they paid for (Smart TV, new bed, everything really) he agreed to have them a couple of nights and immediately introduced OW to the girls. By then it was just over 3 months and instead of enjoying the kids on his own it had to be with her. He then promptly dropped them off at his mothers house saying that they are going to work and went abroad instead for a holiday. Meaning they only spend evening with him as they were in school and he had work so picked them up after work. I I left that same week for a month came back mid November and he saw them the day I came back and never again. He went to Egypt for 2 weeks a week after we returned so literally within a 6 week period he went on 2 holidays abroad. Cancelled every mediation session I tried to get him to attend. He refused to pay any money. Initially because I refused to apply for benefits he agreed to pay £1500 a month. That was reduced to £800 a month (because OW said she lived on this when she was living with her mum few months before and got on fine.) and then I was told by OW That legally he only had to pay £250 a month for both kids of his salary because someone she knows who has 2 kids pays that. I of course applied for benefits. She also told me to move out of the area to a cheaper area and different schools as kids are resilient. And to stop twirling my thumbs and get a job. I have tried everything to get a job by then but hasn't been working for 8 years. He never bought DD1 anything for her 8th birthday. He canceled again mediation the week of Christmas with no mention of seeing the girls. His birthday is Xmas Eve and the girls were very upset that for the first time they didn't get to see him. At 23:50 on Xmas eve I got a message to ask what we were doing for Xmas which I ignored. After speaking to his family I agreed to see him which ended up in a disaster with police and social services ending up at my house on Boxing Day. I did a thread about this. Oh and turned up empty handed. Finally we had mediation in January and he had the kids every week since.

But he has been broke so they haven't done anything. My 8 year old has been having screaming tantrums in the car with him calling me to calm her down. (My kids have never ever had tantrums) yes they cry when they are upset but genuinely that's it. They don't demand things. My DD1 has just been upset that every week she goes to daddy's that he only spend time with OW and if on the sofa watching tele cuddles my DD2. I had to get someone to look after DD2 last week to spend some one on one with her.
I almost had a breakdown from exhaustion and the fact that I cannot get over this I constant him controlling me what to do and how to do and making sure he constantly puts up barriers last week and when a friend of mine tried to get through to him when he came around to see the kids he told her that the day I am drugged up after a breakdown and lying in hospital that's the day he will take the girls until such a time I can deal with it all as he has a job.

During all of this he refuses to pay even the £250 because he paid the bigger amounts before. I have since found out I got a job. It's full time and I contacted him to discuss childcare arrangements etc. He for the first time did the figures and refuses to pay anything as I'm after his money and wanted to know why couldn't do a job that's around the kids school hours and term time only. Told me that he refuses to help because I should be able to pay from my salary for their care. He then said that he will instead have the kids full time pay for childcare and she will have the kids at the weekend when he works leaving me no time for the girls. I tried to call his bluff. He told the girls that he had until Wednesday off of half term and they will be doing lots of fun things. He is supposed to pick them up tomorrow directly from a party and have them until Wednesday. He called me earlier to let me know that they are on their way to the airport and he therefore won't have the kids. I was originally supposed to start this job on Monday but there is a slight delay so might start on Wednesday instead. He is supposed to have paid for the childcare as I don't have the money to. He refuses to pay childcare and deal with mediation due to financial reasons and that is because he keeps on booking holidays instead.

His own family says he is toxic that he has caused numerous upsets for the last 20 years. I've been with him for the last 10 years. I genuinely cannot see how the girls benefit from contact with him. My eldest cries every week and even bribes the 4 year old to stay home with me. They both wake up most nights and especially after they come back from his. I managed to get them into their beds finally last year months after we split but they back to being restless since contact with him.
Oh and I cannot afford a solicitor and have no family at all in this country to help. None whatsoever.

CookiesNookie Sat 13-Feb-16 00:43:53

Sorry it is much longer than I planned on. Thank you if you get to the end and sorry again for making it so long. I just realised I missed the important parts out of how he constantly cries when he sees the kids and the kids worry about daddy's feelings constantly more than him worrying about theirs.

TheDetective Sat 13-Feb-16 01:09:07

Honestly? I'd say no. Let him apply for contact, and go down that route. Let the court deal with it. You don't need a solicitor.

You can still apply for child maintenance by the way. Do it Monday. Don't delay. Is he employed? If he doesn't pay they can take it from his wages.

There's so much more I could say. I'll end by saying, good riddance. He sounds like an utter selfish cunt.

coffeeisnectar Sat 13-Feb-16 01:30:49

Go to the CMS. And let him go through courts for contact. Are you married?

goddessofsmallthings Sat 13-Feb-16 01:36:45

I remember your post last year when he left your little dds unattended on your doorstep and drove off knowing that you weren't at home. It's unsurprising that they are so unsettled and, frankly, I'm surprised that you've let them anywhere near him after what he did - by rights he should have prosecuted for child neglect and abandonment.

His chickens will come home to roost one fine day, but in the meantime I echo TheDetective's advice and suggest you tell him that if he wants to have contact with the dc he must arrange and pay for this take place in the supervised environment of a Contact Centre, or apply to the Family Courts which will result in him being required to attend mediation at which time you will have ample opportunity to draw attention to his shortcomings as a parent.

Your stbxtwunt will try to grind you down - stand firm and keep posting here so that we can make sure you don't take any more of his shit.

MissFlight Sat 13-Feb-16 03:48:31

Enough of this fuckwittery. Go to CMS to claim maintenance, stop dds going there, let him apply for contact through court.

lunar1 Sat 13-Feb-16 04:02:47

Apply for cms ASAP. He's never going to play fair.

cranberryx Sat 13-Feb-16 04:17:56

Go to CMS and apply for maintence.

Is there anyway that his parents could look after the DD's for your first week at work during half term? It's his fault leaving you in the lurch like this - maybe they can help?

I would cut contact. Set up an email address and do all of your correspondence though there, if you ever need to go to court it will be good to have a record of it.

Congratulations on your new job!

He is an arsehole and you and your girls don't deserve this. If he would rather swan off on holiday than have his girls, as agreed, he doesn't deserve to be a dad. I am all for co-parenting and letting men be a dad (I moved in with my dad in my early teens once I was old enough to decide) but he is not taking this seriously and it is obviously effecting your girls.

His OW seems very controlling and he seems to believe every word she says. Surely he realises that she doesn't have kids, hasn't ever been in this situation, so isn't really qualified on how much money you should or shouldn't be getting? Your ex is a bit dim.

My blood is boiling just reading this. Sorry you are having to live it. flowers

tillytown Sat 13-Feb-16 04:51:34

Apply for CMS, and tell the OW to shut up flowers
I know you don't have family here, but do you have any friends who can help with child care whilst you work? Would his family help?

kittybiscuits Sat 13-Feb-16 06:36:27

They have far too much permission from you to mess with your life and the lives of your children. As everyone says, CMS. Don't talk to him. Don't talk to her. Arrangements should be made in advance by email. Please stop fooling yourself by thinking that this waste of space is ever going to be any kind of responsible parent. In the kindest way, turn the lights off, close the curtains and stop letting this wanker run the show.

Lweji Sat 13-Feb-16 06:49:16

What others have said.
I too am surprised you are trusting him in any way after he left them in the doorstep last year. I remember it.

You can rant away or follow people's advice to cut contact or have only supervised contact, if he arranges it. And apply to CMS.
If he takes you to court then be it. Write down and gather all evidence that you can.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 13-Feb-16 07:39:29

You should have cut contact after the doorstep event and especially after the police and ss being called at Christmas. Do not engage with them on any level - who cares what ow thinks, why do you even communicate with her

Everything now goes through official channels, cms for child support, court for contact - otherwise, completely disengage from them both

CookiesNookie Sat 13-Feb-16 11:44:05

Thank you for all the replies. Had a bit of a rushed morning so couldn't reply.

TheDetective he is employed so yes I can go through the CSA. And yes if there were any worse words than a C....t then that would be him.

coffeeisnectar we've been married 9 years. Our eldest DD is 8 and youngest will be 5 next month.

goddessofsmallthings after police and SS warned him I was advised to resume contact as it was a one off. But he refused contact. That happened first week of August. He saw them for the very first time after he dropped them off on the 6th Oct after his dad made him make contact as we were on our way to my home country. I think they were hoping that he realises what he is missing out on but it made no difference of course.

cranberryx thanks for the congrats. Still can't believe that I got it after my first interview in 10 years. His parents are doing all they can do to help but they do look after their other 2 grandchildren and can't commit to me unless it's ad hock. Was and always been the case and I always put it down as being the daughter in law. But they are helping in other ways and have been a massive financial help as I have no one else to help. His OW is very controlling because everytime she says stuff after she asked for advice from people she knows he changes his agreements. He has always been the type of person where if I wanted him to do something that might benefit us as a family I had to get his sister or dad or friend suggest it and would then think it's the most amazing thing ever even if I tried for months or years to get him to do it. So he needs someone to tel him what to do.
She told me to move in a cheaper area (and where I live it genuinely wouldn't be a nice area and far away from the girls' school and I don't drive ) but the two of them moved into a 3 bed house last year and one room is solely dedicated to her 7 rats. The dining room is dedicated for her rabbits and my genuine shock is how can 7 rats be more important than his own girls. They are such gorgeous beautiful girls.

tillytown I wish I can tell her but I wouldn't want to lower myself even more. She is not worth it. She is a 25 year old who up until she got with him lived with her mother. She has now moved out of her room on a low salary into a gorgeous 3 bed in a very nice area overlooking a beautiful canal. So yes she hit the jackpot where money is concern as she worked in a pet shop up until last May. Started the job with him and have since left it working with animals again. But causing havoc in that very small time. He is a nightmare to live with so they deserve each other.

kittybiscuits I've blocked them both via contacting me via emails, calls or what's app. She has this habit of messaging me and blocking me immediately after on what's app and then unblocking me 2-3 days later. So now I have her blocked and she can't contact me at all.

Thanks for all the other advise. Like I said I attempted to resume contact after being advised to do so by police and SS as he contacted me repeatedly but in the end when I said okay you can see them he never ever came near them.

Lweji Sat 13-Feb-16 12:01:21

Clearly he doesn't want contact or the responsibility of it.
Definitely don't push. And even if his family insist on it (I'm sure they're embarassed or miss the children), they could have contact themselves instead.

CookiesNookie Sat 13-Feb-16 12:13:01

Lweji they are very embarrassed because of him but we have a good relationship. His mum still come every week like she did before. On Monday it was his dad's birthday and their wedding anniversary on Tuesday I with my kids and his sister and her family all had lunch at her house to celebrate the dads birthday and anniversary. The sister wants nothing to do with him as our current separation due to his affair is just the nail in the coffin on many many things he has done in the past hence me saying to them few months back that I personally think he is toxic and for them to not push him to get in touch as he is frighten to be on his own. He knew after I kicked him out that I was never ever going to take him back due to his behaviour throughout our marriage and instead of putting his kids first he is putting her first as his words " she knows all my dirty secrets and still wants me as she is very compassionate unlike me". Meaning he would do everything to make them work knowing that no one would want him because of who and what he is. He has lost all of his friends. He is British and have friends from since he was young and work colleagues from before we moved. They are in regular contact with me. In fact after the upset over Christmas I spent a few days at his best friends house and I only got to know his partner over the last 3 years and she insisted I came to theirs. They don't get in touch with him at all.

Lweji Sat 13-Feb-16 12:15:19

That's great. smile
So, insist they don't push him to see the children. It's no reflection on them and everyone can be happier.

AliceInUnderpants Sat 13-Feb-16 12:32:17

Based on this thread only, I wouldn't say to instantly stop contact. Based on what you say about him leaving two very young children in a dangerous situation, absolutely do. He can go to court if he wants contact.
Contact CMS for maintenance.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Sat 13-Feb-16 13:14:08

Congratulations on being a great mum, getting a new job, maintaining great relationships with your in-laws and getting rid of this useless, selfish and totally unpredictable man.

1 - sort out child support. Contact the CSA today and take back the power from him.

2 - sort out childcare for when you're working. Is your job flexible so that you can go in after you've dropped the children at school or leave in time to pick them up in the afternoon? That way you'd only need childcare before or after school. Have you looked at the school's breakfast / after school clubs?

3 - have you thought about moving back to your home country? That could solve a lot of problems!

4 - your ex is clearly not bothered about seeing the children. He has other priorities and will always put himself first. Others may disagree but if I was you I would just tell him that he will need to see a solicitor if he wants to see the children and wait for him to do that. Hopefully it'll never happen! Because the chn are distressed and shouldn't be forced to see him. Also he has let them down so many times, neglected them when in his care, put his new woman before them, not paid for them, gives you no respect and picks them up and puts them down on a whim. Please keep a record of his behaviour (date, time, brief description) just in case you need it.

Shelby2010 Sat 13-Feb-16 13:38:12

Do you have official residency? If not, it might be worth getting that legally sorted before making a CM claim, just in case he decides to have the girls 50:50 to avoid paying you any money. He sounds like the kind of arse that would try that even though he doesn't really want them.

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