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Dp has decided we're not talking all of a sudden. Regular occurrence :-(

(42 Posts)
DogsDanglies Fri 12-Feb-16 23:36:09

So I've spent all week working hard, looking forward to valentines weekend. On the way home from work tonight I called him to chat and he takes the opportunity to give me a long list of moans regarding what my kids have done.
"Right - ds1 went out without locking the door today. Ds2's room is a mess with pots on the floor. The toilet was not flushed and the bathroom door had something wiped on it".
"Right." I said "I just called to chat ... ".
"Yeah well I've been busy tidying up after everyone as usual ..."

Instant deflation. So it's going to be one of "those" weekends.

I get home and he's really off with me. Makes a sarky comment about how clean the kitchen is since he's done it (I do it too but that never gets recognised). I say "come on let's not fall out, it's valentines weekend and I've been looking forward to spending time with you". "Yes well the things I mentioned earlier have put me on a downer I'm afraid. You obviously don't care about the house but I do ... ".

I say "of course I care about the house but let's discuss it, not argue about it!". He replies "too late, you've already started arguining" !!!???

Anyway I've seen this pattern many a time before and it's just him trying to engineer an argument - it was half expected since he knew I was looking forward to the weekend. Anyway from that moment on he's done nothing but get at me all night. He's got at me for texting my friend (congratulating her on her new job!). For saying I'm going to retake up my hobby once I'm on annual leave (threatening that my selfishness will not make for a happy marriage), he's got at me for looking on my phone whilst he watched graham norton .... Literally every little thing since I got in from work he's got at me about. I'm not a soft person but I feel like crying. A few hours ago I was willing my shift to end so I could spend time with this man - no arguments, no bad feeling between us at all. Then I call him up and it's "oh btw, we've fallen out" and I have no fucking idea why. He's stormed off to bed now leaving me alone in the living room. Why does he do this?????

JeremyZackHunt Fri 12-Feb-16 23:39:38

Because he can sad Are they his dc too?
You can't change how he behaves but you can change your reaction. You can tell him you won't put up with this anymore and mean it.

Marshy Fri 12-Feb-16 23:39:42

Err...because he's a knob?

Honestly I really could be doing with this. He needs to grow the fuck up

ConkersDontScareSpiders Fri 12-Feb-16 23:41:26

He doesn't sound very nice op.he's sucked the joy out of you for no apparent reason. And he does this regularly? What are his good points? Sincere question, because if all he does his moan about cleaning a House that he presumably lives in and contributes to mess in, moans about the kids and then Accuses you of starting the argument, and he doesn't have some major redeeming features I would wonder what's in it for you?

DogsDanglies Fri 12-Feb-16 23:44:03

I just feel like utter shit. I feel like what's the point in working all week when he makes sure the weekends are a heap of shite? He does it all the time. Every time I look forward to something does he engineer an argument. I feel so lonely and fed up.

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Feb-16 23:45:03


Marchate Fri 12-Feb-16 23:45:18

Because he enjoys ruining things, then believing he is the one who has been hurt

Controlling, manipulative, self centred man

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Feb-16 23:45:34

Sorry that was a bit blunt.

Give yourself a valentines present and LTB.

Aussiemum78 Fri 12-Feb-16 23:46:39

Sounds exhausting. Do you want to end it?

Aussiemum78 Fri 12-Feb-16 23:47:00

Also, does he treat the kids like this too?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 12-Feb-16 23:47:43

I think he should have moved in when you extended an olive branch by saying let's not fall out

But, is there a back story here? Does he often have to clean up? More than you/the DC? I'm a sahm and it gets right on my tits when I feel that basically I'm being treated like a serf. DH isn't too bad but his parents are awful. It's quite soul destroying skivvying behind people who clearly couldn't care less if they make a huge mess and show no respect for you or the house

Coming home to find the house unlocked would also really piss me off

Whilst I wouldn't act like he did, I'd expect some brief acknowledgement that these things are irritating - particularly the door.

Marchate Fri 12-Feb-16 23:47:53

If every weekend, holiday, day off etc is ruined by him, there's only one way to get your life back

It doesn't include him

DogsDanglies Fri 12-Feb-16 23:48:14

Even if the kids had done a list of crappy things - is it really appropriate to bombard me with it as soon as I call him to chat? Is it really necessary to be off with me all evening and get at me continuously? Is this what relationships are? I have a vision of a normal bloke saying "hiya babe, how was your day at work? Good I'm glad you had a nice day. Can we have a chat about the kids later btw? They've done a few things to piss me off ... Anyway, fancy a glass of wine?"

ConkersDontScareSpiders Fri 12-Feb-16 23:48:57

And what dp you do to salvage the weekends as a rule? Try and cheer him up by giving him his own way and fussing over him to keep the peace? Again not being snarky...It's what I used to do, but in that you would have your answer as to why he does it I guess.

DogsDanglies Fri 12-Feb-16 23:49:50

And yeah I do care about what they've done but he doesn't give me the opportunity to express this.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 13-Feb-16 00:00:28

He's a shit who is engineering unpleasantness because he gets off on it. Your misery is his delight. It's sadistic and very probably bad for your mental health. Do you really want a lifetime of his shit? Because pricks like him don't get better, they get worse.

Marchate Sat 13-Feb-16 00:06:30

They do get worse. But sadly, you stop noticing because all your waking hours are spent avoiding conflict

hesterton Sat 13-Feb-16 00:08:14

He depends on you giving him attention and pleading with him when he's like this. He wants to provoke a reaction and most of all, to make you upset so he can feel righteous and wonderful and powerful and important.

You need to detach detach detach. Look at him as if he's a bad performing ape. Quizzical and slightly bemused. Ask him if he's doing the weekend spoiling thing again, because you would have appreciated some warning so you could make plans elsewhere. And go off and do whatever you want to do, wih or without the kids. But leave him out.

Better still, ltb but when you're ready.

Yseulte Sat 13-Feb-16 00:09:29

Decide you're not together all of a sudden.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sat 13-Feb-16 00:09:40

I started my post by saying I didn't think he should have acted as he did confused

Yes - maybe he should have asked if you could discuss it later. But maybe this has happened a lot and he's fed up, is my point. I don't know. We're only reading a snap shot so I'm trying to clarify. That said, leaving the door unlocked would really concern me and I'd want that sorted out that evening to make sure it did t happen again.

Lanark2 Sat 13-Feb-16 00:10:03

Does he know he gets weird as it approaches a 'confirming love for each other/am I accepted' celebration and why?

Lanark2 Sat 13-Feb-16 00:15:48

Actually reading this, it also sounds like something at work or elsewhere is getting him down and the only way he has to communicate his bad feelings is to reveal it in disappointment for other things..the reaching for a compliment over cleaning up kitchen shows he is desperate to hear something positive about something he has done.. I think warmth.
.if you have the energy..might work better than coldness here...

FarinaHuevos Sat 13-Feb-16 00:22:17

Why are you with him. You've posted about him having previous form for using dodgy websites, shit sex and now this thread. Not surprised you feel lonely and fed up.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 13-Feb-16 00:22:51

Oh, come off it Lanark! "He does it all the time. Every time I look forward to something does he engineer an argument." These are not the actions of someone having difficulties at work. These are the hallmarks of a miserable shit who needs to be got away from. Permanently

springydaffs Sat 13-Feb-16 00:39:05

Oh totally LTB
Really, get rid.

What a horrible shit to spoil spoil spoil everything nice. Over and over again. It's not bcs he's having a bad time at work/a bad back/money worries/blah blah; it's bcs he relishes wiping the smile off your face.

Abusive. Hence LTB.

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