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Why can't I move on?

(8 Posts)
Balders74 Fri 12-Feb-16 21:25:41

I instigated the split from my STBXH in January 2015 after years of his lazy arse sponging off me, not working, being an angry, difficult arse.

He made life difficult for 3 months & finally moved out at the end of March. The divorce is due to be finalised next week.

Home left is 100% better than it was. The DC are happier & I feel better. The issue is that I am so bitter & resentful towards him.

He has swanned off, pays nothing towards the DC, caused issues at every turn in the divorce & we still haven't sorted out the house situation because he wants money from me in order to agree to sign the house over to me. My issue with that is that in the 11 years we've lived here I have supported us after he decided to be self- employed without consulting me & then lay on the sofa waiting for work to come to him. And no he did not take the primary care role. I work full time & did everything else. If I needed help with the kids his parents would help (while he lay on the sofa).

I'm still so angry with him & myself. Him because he has never taken responsibility for his behaviour & me for putting up with it for so long. I just can't move on. I still think about all the things he did that annoyed me most days. I see posts from people who have had awful relationships & breakups but have met someone new. I can't even face the thought of being in a relationship. I think all men are useless arseholes & all have shitty attitudes & baggage.

I'd love to be able to let go of all of this anger & forgive myself & move on but I have no idea how. It's almost like a comfort blanket I need to throw away.

Any advice from you lovely lot would be much appreciated.

Balders74 Fri 12-Feb-16 21:42:56

Anyone? blush

Resilience16 Fri 12-Feb-16 21:52:06

Well, firstly well done to you for finding the courage and strength to get out of that crappy relationship. Give yourself a big pat on the back for being brave enough to make the break.
Secondly you are allowed to be angry. Anger is healthy. Bitterness isn't healthy tho, so you need to concentrate on the positives in your life now ( better home life, happier kids, no big lummox hogging the sofa) rather than rehashing the things in the past that you cannot change.
Part of your anger is probably grief, grief for the relationship you hoped you'd have and the future you thought you'd have together. The divorce being finalised has probably thrown that grief into even sharper focus.
Be kind to yourself. People make mistakes. You identified yours and got out.Now as you so rightly realise you need to move on.
Moving on doesn't mean jumping into another relationship.
It might be beneficial for you to try the Freedom programme, to show you not all men are arseholes, but how to actively identify and avoid the ones that are.
Good luck Balders x

Doingmyheadin2016 Fri 12-Feb-16 21:55:19

I can't give you any advice Im afraid but I can definitely sympathise. I was married to a man who didn't work for years and still doesn't and who doesn't believe he should pay child maintenance anyway because he thinks I have enough money confused. We can't agree on finances either.

I understand your anger with yourself over it all. I even think back to the early days before we married and think, why did I put up with that? The signs were there.

I have met a few men since exh but they have turned out to be angry, controlling, tight, alcoholic, lazy...I could go on. Tbh what I went through with exh has put me off for life so I am taking a break, having never been single, and enjoying it.

Give yourself time. I'm not going to say counselling as I found it a waste of money personally and got more pleasure from buying a new top with the £40 an hour I paid. Build up a full and busy life for yourself to distract you. Do what you want to do when you want to do it and be thankful you did finally get away.

Haventgotascooby Fri 12-Feb-16 21:57:39

I could of written your post OP. The difference with me is that my STBXH (after 4 years we are still not divorced) is still sponging off me. He manipulated the eldest two DCs to stay with him then went to the CSA to claim maintenance from me whilst he is 'self employed' but actually does nothing all day - i have to pay him more than a third of my wages each month and am living on housing benefit whilst he pays me £7/week in return for our other two DCs and can afford a new car and motorbike amongst other things. My two pieces of huge consolation are that if I had never met him I would never have had my children and the second is that I don't ever have to spend another day of my life with that awful man. Have no regrets and live for the present, as the past can't be changed so try not to dwell on it. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Hassled Fri 12-Feb-16 22:02:12

You've done bloody well in what is really a short amount of time - especially compared to 11 years of shite. And with the finalisation of the divorce imminent, this is all bound to be playing on your mind at the moment. Just don't lose sight of how much things are better - the anger will subside in time. You'll move on when you stop caring, and you will stop caring. It sounds like a cliche, I know, but keep busy.

Gattabianca Fri 12-Feb-16 22:09:33

Home left is 100% better than it was. The DC are happier & I feel better. The issue is that I am so bitter & resentful towards him

I think it's this that you need to hold onto. I understand why you feel so bitter but don't let him take any more if your time. Happiness is the best revenge.

Balders74 Fri 12-Feb-16 22:12:51

Thank you everyone. What's wrong with these bloody men?? He cried when we split because he 'didn't want to lose his children' and now he sees only our DS every other weekend & doesn't contact either of them in between. DD is 15 & was treated so badly by him that she has chosen not to see him (my fault of course).

I think part of the problem is that I don't get out much. I work from home & all of my friends are in relationships & I have become a bit of a hermit.

My self esteem is at rock bottom & helped by FW (my nickname for STBXH is Fuckwit). He took our DS to McD the other day & sent me a text saying 'do you want anything fatty?' Nice! I ignored it.

The money thing really pisses me off. He claims to only earn £7k pa but has 2 cars, smokes & has a very active social life but can't afford to provide for his children! Grrrr!

I am letting myself get bitter & really need to snap out of it.

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