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How did you know you wanted to split?

(12 Posts)
DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel Fri 12-Feb-16 20:32:16

Ive been with DH since 2002 got married in 2004. 3 DCs (age 11 next week, 8 and 4). There is no-one else.

I love him, he's my best friend, but Im not in love with him. I want to leave, but Im scared.

My reasons to stay are because its the easier (for now) option, Im scared of breaking my DCs heart and my parents (and no doubt others too) would judge.

I have thought about waiting until we come back from holidays as the DCs are really looking forward to going, but I feel as though that would be unfair to DH. How do I even tell him? Im just so scared.

He's a SAHD while I work FT. The house isn't that nice. He doesnt do enough. My student houses were cleaner than this. We have junk everywhere. We have lived here 4 years (council house) and still have no carpet or flooring down in our bedroom or the stairs. He never wants to do anything as a family. He sits and plays on his PS4 or Xbox during times (when I think) he should be doing more. Like the afternoons he will pick DC3 up from nursery (she was 4 in Sept so not at school yet) and will spend the afternoon playing call of duty or assassin's creed and the like.

He has used the DCs as an excuse not to work. Looking back I wish I had the strength to call it a day when he lied about why he couldnt get a job. This was before DCs, but we lived together and I was scared of the pain of a break-up so I ignored it. Why did I ignore it? he was signing on, but stopped when they wanted him to go on a back to work style course. This also was before DCs. I knew then he wasn't looking. But a 23YO me turned a blind eye. Why?

He swears in front of the DCs. They are good because they know which words are adult words. But that's not the point. He has done it when out and we've had the odd raised eyebrow. He can get too angry and makes empty threats.

Of course Im painting a negative view because Im finding it hard to see past that ATM. We all have our bad points. He does all the cooking and he does clean, just the surface stuff. He is learning to drive so he can get a job once DC3 starts school in Sept, but I honestly dont think he will get a job. He will find some other excuse when the time comes.

It would be so easy to plod along, but I dont really relish the idea of this for another X years.

Am I just having a marriage wobble as it has been a few years now so obviously not exciting anymore.

Where do I go from here? Im so scared. Ive never been through a big break up before. DH was my first serious relationship. The only one that has lasted longer than 6 months. Will my children hate me? Im going to break their hearts.

Sorry it is so long, I didn't want to drip feed. Though Im sure (as what often happens on threads I start) someone will ask me about something Ive not thought of.

waitinggame1234 Fri 12-Feb-16 20:53:57

Leave!

I am sitting watching a film, drinking wine trying to pass the time without just crying and totally falling apart. My parents aren't speaking to me. Everything shit that could be affecting me right now is affecting me (unplanned pregnancy, ectopic, surgery, hormones all over the place, anxiety flare up, no idea how to cope right now) and I still don't regret splitting. I only regret not doing it sooner.

queenshireen Sat 13-Feb-16 00:30:34

Just reading your post and, funnily enough, I met my DH in 2002 as well. Married 2005. I can relate to the "have I given it a good enough shot" mentality.

We are now beginning our divorce. I've certainly been unhappy a few years - different reasons from you. You have many valid reasons to leave. You're really unhappy and he doesn't value you. That's all that matters really. Life is far too short to plod along. You are worth so much more. Sounds like you won't be any financially worse off without him (better off in fact) and emotionally he adds nothing to your life.

One thing I learned is, having been unhappy for a good few years and trying to work things out brought me no solace. He was unhappy for a few months and called time. Don't wait for him to call the shots.

Marchate Sat 13-Feb-16 00:39:52

Don't plod along. Get out as soon as you can. It won't get better

He should be working. You know that even if you each worked half the week it would be better for you, though financially it works out the same

Angeladelight Sat 13-Feb-16 00:54:10

You can't stay with someone who you aren't in love with. I would maybe raise the issues as outlined above with DP, see if there is nothing that can be do to improve the situation once he is aware of it (counselling etc.). He may think everything is fine and everyone is happy. It may not work and you may end up separating but if it is what you need then that's what must be done. Wrt the DC's they don't need to know the ins and outs they just need full support from you and DH if separation is necessary. Of course this all easier said than done but it is doable. flowers

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 13-Feb-16 04:03:43

Leave.

Tell a good friend how you feel. Get ad much RL support as you can. Start opening up and hear from your own mouth how terrible it is and how bad yoy feel in this marriage.

He "gets too angry and makes empty threats" you say? Sounds like he is abusive as well as a cocklodger. You and your children are suffering from his entitlement and nasty behaviour. Please make a plan to get out of there (or get him out)

Noneedforasitter Sat 13-Feb-16 04:15:39

Get some proper legal advice before you do anything. As he is the main carer, there is a risk that you will only have access to the children every other weekend and you will have to pay him maintenance for a very long time to come. I imagine that is not an outcome you would like.

bb888 Sat 13-Feb-16 04:39:31

Don't stay in a relationship like this, but you probably should consider that he could be seen as being the primary carer if he insisted, though I don't know how you get around that if he is refusing to work.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 13-Feb-16 06:46:43

Sitter makes a good point. But don't let fear of losing residency of your children stop you from acting. Instead, make it the reason to find a very, very good lawyer before you do anything.

noisytoys Sat 13-Feb-16 06:55:45

My ex husband used to swear a lot around the children - I left the day my then 4 year old called me a cunt. You think you're protecting them and they know the difference but they are learning by his example. If your husband is anything like my ex he will use the children to try to keep you as you don't want to lose them, but when it came down to it he didn't want them and hardly sees them.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel Sat 13-Feb-16 10:53:28

Thanks for the advice. I know I need to leave. Im just so scared. Im scared of what life will bring, Im scared of my parents other people being disappointed in me, Im scared of the DCs hating me, Mostly Im scared of breaking my childrens hearts.

Unfortunately I dont know how I'll be able to afford a lawyer. Especially with the cuts to legal aid. I have no money (well what I do have goes on bills with just a bit left over - not enough for legal fees)

bb888 Sat 13-Feb-16 11:07:46

It would feel odd for any kind adult to be disappointed in someone who felt they had to end a relationship. They might be disappointed, but it would be really unfair for them to be disappointed in you.

Your children won't hate you. Having divorced parents is hardly unusual these days. When my STBX and I told the children that we were breaking up they were upset, but I felt that the main concern for them was uncertainty, so once we had reassured them about what things would look like going forward, and that they wouldn't have to see any embarrassing public behaviour (as they have observed in certain friends parents) they seemed to adjust very easily.

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