Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just told husband I want out.....

(42 Posts)
Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:37:07

This has been brewing for over a year. It's a cyclic process of telling him I don't want to be in this marriage, he does nothing about it, I give up and put up with the way things are.

We've been together 15yrs. Married 7 this year. One glorious boy age 2.

My point of view is simply we have drifted apart. Nothing in common. No attraction. No physical stuff and when there is is negligible. I cried last time we had sex because i felt nothing.

I've tried to spice things up I've done EVERYTHING most can suggest. Counselling he refuses. Tonight I've told him flatly "I feel we are friends/house mates/I don't love you anymore".

He said he loves me. He sat there in silence and carried on watching tv. I'm currently in bed and he has made NO effort to sort this!!!

Part of me wants to leave as I'm only 34. (He's 44). Another doesn't want to split because of my boy. He's done nothing wrong. Husband has done nothing wrong.

I just don't love him anymore.

It's been ongoing over past yr maybe a bit more.

I had an on off affair for a couple of months which is now over. But it made me relise I want out and I need to salvage my life back.

What do I do now?

Any ideas?

RandomMess Thu 11-Feb-16 22:40:58

Well you need to separate, unless you want to tell him about the affair and hope that means he calls it a day based on that?

Do you both work, is their a primary carer?

Iamdobby63 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:44:27

If you mean it and you have tried to sort it out and can't or don't want continue then start divorce proceedings.

I'm sure you realise that you can't compare an affair or a new relationship with a 15 year one.

If you don't love him then let him be free and hopefully you can both find happiness elsewhere.

Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:45:40

We both work full time. I'm the main earner. Boy goes to my mum and nursery. But i only work x3 days a week.

I thought about bringing the affair up but I shouldn't have to use emotional blackmail as a get out key?

JonesTheSteam Thu 11-Feb-16 22:46:57

Did you feel like this before the affair?

AnyFucker Thu 11-Feb-16 22:47:42

Tell him about your affair

Why not ? You want out, don't you ? Well get out on his terms instead of your own then if you want to badly enough

JonesTheSteam Thu 11-Feb-16 22:47:44

(Or are you rewriting history to justify your affair?)

Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:47:57

Thanks Iamdobby63.

He's not listening to me though. He ignores my point of view. He burying his head in the sand in the hope I shut up about it again.

I've suggest he moves out but he won't. Nor communicate or come up with ideas or suggestions!

Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:49:26

No. It was before affair.
I just don't want to upset him anymore than I have to really.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Feb-16 22:50:43

Perhaps you shagging someone else is his line in the sand

You want to end it but not lose your moral high ground then ?

That sounds shit, tbh. Tell him, then you get what you want and he might get what he needs.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Thu 11-Feb-16 22:52:30

"I dont love you anymore, and want to leave you"

"I love you" >continues watching telly<

That's your answer.

Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:53:45

No moral high ground. I just dont see what there is to gain by that?
It's a while ago and not affecting my decision making process.
This has been going on b4 the affair.

LoveableBatshitIdiot Thu 11-Feb-16 22:54:11

What AF says.

Why do you think he's burying his head in the sand? Is he scared of losing the security of being part of a unit, do you think? Hope you don't mind me asking.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Feb-16 22:54:28

Well, you would say that. ..

JonesTheSteam Thu 11-Feb-16 22:55:46

I just dont see what there is to gain by that?

Well nothing for you, maybe. But at least your husband has the full facts...

Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:56:06

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer exactly my point! The question is how on earth do I get this stubborn man to listen to me and act! He has a comfortable lifestyle through me and admits he doesn't "want to leave the lifestyle"

Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:57:30

JonesTheSteam/any fucker - valid point. Never thought of it that way.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Feb-16 22:57:52

Divorce him then. Why haven't you ?

JonesTheSteam Thu 11-Feb-16 22:57:57

*It's a while ago and not affecting my decision making process.
This has been going on b4 the affair.*

As a cheating spouse, that's normal rhetoric.

I doubt it's really true. I'm sure the fact you're shagging someone else has made you distance yourself from your husband, but carry on believing your own BS...

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Thu 11-Feb-16 22:58:54

He's not going to act. You need to.

bb888 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:59:40

Why not leave/see if he will leave then. If you want out then you don't need to carry on and if you can both behave like adults then your boy will be fine.

Your H is likely to be very upset whatever you do because it seems like this relationship is about what feels stable/comfortable for him rather than the way you feel being important to him.

Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 23:00:31

No I disagree with that. The distance was already there to warrant/justify the desire for an affair. I agree with you that it probably added to the distance between husband more.

Confused12345678 Thu 11-Feb-16 23:01:20

bb888 it's my house. I can't leave.

bb888 Thu 11-Feb-16 23:03:14

If you are married it belongs to both of you?

Iamdobby63 Thu 11-Feb-16 23:04:24

Just repeat to him how unhappy you are, if you are sure you don't love him then tell him and tell him you are starting divorce proceedings.

Telling him about your affair would probably get his attention but equally it would just add to the possible hurt he will feel when you make it clear how serious you are. It's up to you but I don't think there is much to be gained by telling him - so long as it has nothing to do with how you are feeling now.

So tell him you want to talk, turn off the tv and sit down in front of him.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: