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I need to leave my EA DH but don't know how?

(96 Posts)
Proseccofiend32 Thu 11-Feb-16 20:54:34


I realise this may sound completely weak and pathetic but I am completely torn. I have been with dh for 6 years, he has always had a tendency to kick off and call me names and swear at me but I stupidly put up with it to the point where I married him and had dcs with him selfishly be because I loved him and was attracted to him and he has many lovely friends and lots of other ridiculous reasons. I already have 2 Dc from previous dh, I have basically been a terrible mother as dh has always been overly strict with them and I let him out of fear of rocking the boat. I'm ashamed of myself. Just one example of his terrible behaviour was on xmas eve, I disagreed with him about some ott punishment of my ds and he kicked off, I managed to keep things calm until dcs went to bed but he then snatched the loft ladder pole out of my hand called me many horrible names, (stupid fucking bitch, go fuck your self ) to the point where I was in tears that the kids would think Father Christmas hadn't been (all presents were in the loft) I begged and pleaded with him to let me get the presents for the kids sakes but he just kept shouting abuse at me and went to bed! I locked myself in the toilet and called my parents out of desperation who came over and I found the pole hidden under the sofa so dad helped me get 4 children's presents out of lift and play Santa! Next day (Xmss day) it was me trying to make up for the kids sakes and him still being grumpy and blaming me for disagreeing with him!
Sorry for long message just wanted to give some recent background I could really use some support to stop me from brushing it all under the carpet again as with all relationships it's not all bad.

Proseccofiend32 Thu 11-Feb-16 20:56:20

*loft not lift

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:02:18

Sorry to hear the domestic abuse you've been experiencing... It sounds like you've tried your hardest to make things ok for the DC. How cruel of him to do that on Xmas eve.

As a first step. Make your own record of all incidents you can recall. This can be useful for legal reasons, but initially can be your calm, rations voice of reason at a time when you feel so torn.

What is your living situation?

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:04:42

And it's not weak or pathetic - you sound like a mum desperate to make things right, but it comes to breaking point..

Proseccofiend32 Thu 11-Feb-16 21:05:30

We have a joint tenancy agreement so we both have equal rights.

pictish Thu 11-Feb-16 21:06:39

Yes he was really cruel to do that on Christmas Eve. He was hitting you where he knows it hurts...the children.

He sounds horrid. Would you consider a call to Women's Aid for advice on how to leave? They are very good.

Proseccofiend32 Thu 11-Feb-16 21:09:11

I think I would feel the was wasting their precious time, there are so many women worse off than me that really need them. I just know he is going to kick off again and I don't want the children to see anymore of his behaviour.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 11-Feb-16 21:12:30

I already have 2 Dc from previous dh, I have basically been a terrible mother as dh has always been overly strict with them and I let him out of fear of rocking the boat. I'm ashamed of myself.

And you end your OP with "it's not all bad". Would your 2 dc from your previous marriage agree with that statement or would they say the only times it hasn't been "all bad" are when they've been out of the house and away from their abusive and controlling sf?

I reckon you've swept enough 'under the carpet' to create an enormous elephant shaped mound in the corner of the room.

FGS make contact with Women's Aid and do whatever it takes to get this man out of your home before your dc are irrevocably and irreparably damaged by, in your own words, your stupidity for having married him.

Proseccofiend32 Thu 11-Feb-16 21:14:36

I feel stupid and selfish for what I'm about to say but here goes, ... I am worried about him being with someone else and being nice and happy when I feel he has destroyed my confidence and happiness. Is it weird to still want him even though he treats me like shit?

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:15:30

Please don't feel like that, WA are there for everyone and you've probably been conditioned to minimise his behaviour. They'll be used to hearing women say "I don't want to waste your time / make a fuss".

Your husband's behaviour is abusive. It's not right. If you could wave a magic wand over your situation, what / where would you like to be?

Hillfarmer Thu 11-Feb-16 21:15:35

You are not wasting anyone's time. This man is a horrible abuser and you need him out of you and your dcs' lives. You know this is true. Prioritise yourself and realise that this is not just 'ok' abuse. This sounds horrendous and more than enough grounds to end the relationship.

You know he is going to kick off again... you know this... there is absolutely no shame in saying 'That's it'. What is stopping you? He is vile. No redeeming qualities for a man who would do this to his wife and kids.

Your parents must know how disgusting and abusive he is. Have you told them. People will support and help you in RL. Be strong and do it for your kids if no-one else.

pictish Thu 11-Feb-16 21:17:09

No you're mistaken. They definitely wouldn't see you as wasting their time, not at all.

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:17:56

Not weird at all. That's why women put up with this shit. They grind you down until you don't even know who you are any more, let alone how to find the exit.

Proseccofiend32 Thu 11-Feb-16 21:20:44

Thank you everyone, and godessofsmallthings you are completely right, I do jeep asking my dc how they feel about everything but think they are worried about upsetting me (which makes it 100x worse) I know deep down they will be happier without his shadow cast over us

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:28:50

I grew up in a household where my mum tried to make everything right. I wish she had left him. I grew up not knowing which way was up or down, with massive issues which have deep effects on pretty much everything. Don't estimate the damage that this toxic environment can do.

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:29:40


Proseccofiend32 Thu 11-Feb-16 21:33:49

Thank you ridemesideways, I just don't know how to instigate it. He is working away from Monday for the week, I can't pack his bags though because of the joint tenancy, I could go to my mums with the kids but her sister is very unwell with cancer so don't want to upset her anymore and then also run the risk of loosing our home. Anyone have any ideas? I'm feeling really trapped, I just wish he would leave me.

NewLife4Me Thu 11-Feb-16 21:42:26

Abuse is never "Not all bad".
Listen to the good advice on here, people who have been through what you are going through.
You have taken the first steps and want what you know is best for your family. thanks

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:43:27

Are you in a fixed term or periodic tenancy agreement?

Proseccofiend32 Thu 11-Feb-16 21:45:10

It's a rolling month as our 1 year agreement ended and we didn't want to keep paying renewal cost so agreed direct with landlord to go on rolling month

goddessofsmallthings Thu 11-Feb-16 21:51:58

there are so many women worse off than me

Stop thinking about other women and start thinking about why you deserve a lot more than a man who, among other things, calls you a fucking bitch and tells you to go fuck yourself and spare a thought for your children who deserve so much more than what they've had to put up with because of your weakness.

I am worried about him being with someone else and being nice and happy when I feel he has destroyed my confidence and happiness. This man is an abuser by nature. He's only happy when he is destroying the confidence and happiness of those weaker than himself. He loves throwing his weight around in the comfort of his own home where there's only his captive audience to observe him, but I bet he doesn't do it at work or down the pub.

You need to understand that if/when he becomes invovled with another woman, regardless of any outward apparance to the contrary, he'll do exactly the same to her and to her dc if she has any.

Is it weird to still want him even though he treats me like shit Check out Stockholm syndrome. It's because he doesn't treat you "like shit" all of the time that you crave those moments of what appear to be kindness or affection on his part, but those moments only occur because our characters are multi-dimensional and no-one can be wholly abhorrent all of the time.

Whatever love you may feel you have for this man is tempered by fear of him and you know that no matter how much you love him, you cannot change him. He's irredeemable and it's beyond the power of any woman to bring about any change in him.

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:54:26

Can you afford the rent on your income alone, check if you'd be entitled to housing benefit. Ring your landlord in confidence and tell him you'd like to stay in the home but want your husband removed from the tenancy agreement as you are in a domestic violence situation (EA counts).

You can apply for a non molestation order if your husband refuses to leave the home.

ridemesideways Thu 11-Feb-16 21:58:03

Or an occupation order, but WA will have the best advice on where to start.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 12-Feb-16 00:00:54

As he'll be working away next week it's is a good time to start getting your ducks in a row.

Make contact with Women's Aid tomorrow (Friday) and arrange to meet with one of their workers early next week. As it's unlikely that your h will leave the marital home willingly you may need to apply for occupation order, but WA can advise and put you in contact with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who has specific expertise in cases of domestic abuse.

You're best advised not to make contact with your landlord until you have received legal advice. When you talk to WA ask to enrol on the next available Freedom Programme and also read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

With regard to your feelings for your h, a loving and caring mother will cut of her arm for her dc but all you're being asked to do is cut off your feelings for an abusive man who is 'overly strict' with your dc and has no respect for you.

For the sake of your dc I BEG YOU not to continue sweeping his shit under the carpet and I IMPLORE YOU to take steps to become the mother you should be by taking action NOW to protect them from any further abuse.

Fwiw, I know where I would have put that loft pole he hid under the sofa and he'd have been stood in a corner festooned with fairy lights and a Christmas star on his head. Channel your inner tigress and start roaring... he might be the one to turn tail as all bullies are cowards at heart.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 12-Feb-16 00:02:13

cut off her arm.. duh.

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