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What should a 7 month new relationship look like??

(40 Posts)
DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 18:12:35

Met a man online 7 months ago. Attracted to each other straight away and lived in next town. I went there and he came here, out in public etc. He was just waiting for decree absolute after ex left him for someone else. But he's still waiting for it.... He has children and I am glad he sees them as much as he can (every weekend) but he often lets his ex change contact plans to suit her but not him. So, he has met my parents (once) and my sons a few times and a couple of my friends. I haven't met any of his side, and when I mention it it is quiet and the most he says is 'it will happen'.
When we first met he was (a little too) keen and lots of hopes for the future, but he seems to have settled into this now... Says less (though has a new job and is working very hard). I feel a little like I have become a seperate entity in his life, that he comes to see once or at most twice a week. He does call a few nights a week travelling home from work, then generally pops to his parents to eat and then goes home to his shared house (renting a room). He is genuine, but I feel like I give a bit more than he does... I cook each week and was enjoying it but the spoilt brat in me would like him to just say 'hey I'll take you out tonight!'. I took him out for his birthday, but rest of time when we did go out we went halves. I think I just want to feel a bit cherished. Was in very EA marriage before. I think I want a partner... We are both 40. Does this sound crap or am I being too critical?

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 18:42:47

I think I feel like he did the love bombing thing initially... I overlooked it as I was really attracted to him and, tbh, liked the attention. I tell myself to just take it for what it is, but I think that I would like a partnership in the future and I don't see he has space for that. I have the niggly feeling that, if I stay in this, I could miss something more fulfilling and with a little more depth.

Fintan Thu 11-Feb-16 18:46:20

He was just waiting for decree absolute after ex left him for someone else. But he's still waiting for it.

I'd like to know more about this before I start passing my opinion. Are you saying that when you met him, 7 months ago, he told he was 'just waiting for decree absolute' ? What happened that he didn't get it? If not what's the timescale here.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 11-Feb-16 18:47:14

To my mind a relationship of 7 months' duration for a pair of 40 year olds should, to use your words, 'look like' a lot of fun. You should both be enjoying going out and staying in together in equal measure and perhaps be planning a summer holiday or other breaks abroad or in the UK.

In short it should be mutually enjoyable and both of you should be giving some thought as to whether there is a possibility that you may have a long term future together, or whether this is as good as it gets and you're content to continue seeing each other until one of you decides to call time.

Depending on what financial and childcare arrrangements need to be resolved, it's not uncommon for the decree absolute to be granted many months after the nisi but I would have thought that if you are a 'signifcant other', as it were, to him he'd keep you up to date with occasional progress reports.

As it is, despite his inital keenness, it seems you've become little more than a convenience to him and if he's doesnt surprise you with a delicious meal in a swanky restaurant after he's seen his dc on Saturday or Sunday, I suggest you ditch him and cast your net for a more proactive fish to fry.

Frankly, he sounds like a boring old fart stick in the mud type and I wouldn't be giving him houseroom let alone cooking for him.

ouryve Thu 11-Feb-16 18:50:30

I suspect that you're a rebound relationship for him, but he hasn't really moved on, emotionally, and is not ready for a serious relationship, yet.

Do you ever go to his place?

HandyWoman Thu 11-Feb-16 18:58:08

A 7 month relationship is still in its infancy and IMO (almost divorced, 2dcs, 43yo) there would still need to be fun and dates and excitement in among the home cooked meals and nights in. I guess it's hard if he's in a house-share. Will he be buying a place after the divorce goes through? Or do you think he'll carry on renting a room? Sounds to me like he values the 'comforts' of being in a relationship more than the 'fun' and has settled into that rather too quickly.

Basically if this is not the relationship you want, I would consider ending it. Or at least have a conversation about it.

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 18:59:09

Thanks for the responses!
They separated 2 years ago....the ex lives with the man she left him for... My 'man' still does not use her name just 'she' or 'her' which always feels very uncomfortable. His ex told him divorce was all sorted months ago but he has not had any evidence of this. All money etc was sorted a while ago eg 4 months ago.
I do sometimes head his resentment and it sounds alarm bells for me... Unresolved issues for him?
The post about swanky restaurants or ditch by the weekend made me laugh!!! I do feel a bit like this!! He made no fuss on my birthday recently (thoughtful personal gifts tho) and let his ex change plans so he had kids all weekend. He's due over in a bit and I'm feeling a little ground hog day esque!

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 19:05:00

I haven't been to his as is house share. He does seem a little tight, I'm not money oriented but I don't like that as a quality. He is looking at renting a house soon, but it's further away (tho much nearer to his new job) so I doubt this will enhance contact!! He said he was romantic / and used to cook dinner if he was here at a weekend and the odd bunch of flowers... The other day he remarked that he 'doesn't do valentines' as its a load of commercial rubbish and you can always show someone how much you love them. I haven't got a car at the mo, so I think he thinks he makes all the travelling effort (15 min drive!!).
I stopped work last year as had a breakdown and autistic son was v hard work. I think perhaps I don't feel
I have that much to offer 'on paper'

goddessofsmallthings Thu 11-Feb-16 19:08:06

If the fiances have been sorted you he can make enquiries of the court to find out whether he can apply for the absolute or if it's been granted.

He's due over in a bit? Be ready with your coat on and steer him towards the nearest restaurant or pub that serves tasty food.,

HandyWoman Thu 11-Feb-16 19:09:37

Listen to the alarm bells. Always always always listen to those. Also listen to the Groundhogness. It's telling you something.

He's probably looking to 'fix things' by having a new relationship. This never works. The fact that he doesn't use her name is not good. You are there to fill a wife-shaped hole.

If you were in a very EA relationship you need to get your barge pole out and make sure not to really touch him with it.

This has rebound written all over it. I would consider leaving the door open to him in the future once he's moved on, but bow out gracefully for ever the time being.

Have you had counselling following your EA relationship OP?

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 19:11:36

I think he will be tired or left wallet! I feel cheeky doing that! I haven't cooked though.....he will be gone by half nine or ten... It's not the greatest is it?!

HandyWoman Thu 11-Feb-16 19:14:20

Given what you've been through with your mental health and your son, you really need a man to wine and dine you and make it all FUN.

This man is not that.

And you have loads to offer. Get back out there my love.

Livingforlove Thu 11-Feb-16 19:16:37

Oh I wouldn't be cooking for any man at that stage of a relationship or ever. It's too cosy and what's in it for you? It sounds like he should be making far more effort.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 11-Feb-16 19:16:44

'Not the greatest'? Are you planning on entering the MN Understatement of the Year contest, Dippy?

I've yet to meet a man who's too tired for a pint, but if he forgot to bring his wallet he'll have to have a glass of tap water sit and watch you drink grin

Will you be offering him a sandwich and will this be before or after a bit of rumpy - or has that gone out of the window too?

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 19:16:45

HandyWoman yes I have and still see a fabulous psychologist. It took me ages and ages to get out of my relationship which was awful and pretty scary.
I had a wonderful male friend for a year or two who just severed contact when he found I was seeing someone. I miss him as we could talk and laugh for hours. But he was scared of my ex h and was just a friend to me. Oh I so miss that kind of closeness!
I'm going to try and raise some of the issues he shys away from tonight and see what happens. Maybe I'm trying to make him something he hasn't got the capacity to be.

Fintan Thu 11-Feb-16 19:20:01

OP you sound like too good a woman to put up with this, you deserve better.
So you haven't been to his house? Was he more open about your relationship at the beginning, ie did you go out in public together more often back then? Was this near his home or yours?

Why does he leave yours at 9.30pm? Is he spending Valentine's Day with you, even if he isn't doing anything special like a card or flowers or dinner, will he be with you? And overnight?

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 19:20:28

The sex is good wink but it's not just been that.. Companionship I guess! I've had five years of sitting in alone every night after hours or difficult wind down with Ds. I've just started losing weight and getting my mojo back...I want someone to click with and feel appreciated by

HandyWoman Thu 11-Feb-16 19:25:58

i want someone to click with and feel appreciated by

Then get out there and start looking!!

You haven't found him yet, but I'd say the future is looking bright for you.

Good luck and come join the dating thread flowers

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 19:27:39

Fintan... I think he might pop over but no he won't stay on a work night.. He just kind of ignores the issue if I ask.
We used to go out round his town but I had my licence revoked on medical grounds for a while so I feel a bit limited now. So unemployed (carer) and no car... Wasn't my plan but I'm getting so much happier than I was 9 months ago. I guess he punctuates my week, is my adult time when my dc go to grandparents, but I'm scared I might just bob along still not feeling hugely special. This is helping though so thank you. It took MN to help get perspective on marriage. Sometimes others can see what you can't ...tho I probably can can't I? He's just messaged to say will be late so I replied 'let's go out to eat then'.... But how do I stop myself getting out my (very sparse!!) wallet when the waiter brings the bill? (Presuming we actually go anywhere?!?)

lazymoz Thu 11-Feb-16 19:31:27

I recently ended things with someone I was dating for 6/7 months due to boredom and much of what you describe above. You deserve better and if you feel dissatisfied this early on then it will only get worse

goddessofsmallthings Thu 11-Feb-16 19:32:42

Get your dancing shoes on and get out there, gal! Your mojo will soon return and I don't doubt that you'll click with a livewire who'll make this one look like the tightarse he is a stuffed dummy.

tipsytrifle Thu 11-Feb-16 19:45:15

What has he replied? I guess you could in honesty declare halves or even ask him to pay and you'll return the favour when you can? Finances are a practicality not an assumption, surely.

You sound absolutely lovely and I suspect he is shortly going to find that he has lost you. More fool him.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 11-Feb-16 19:51:29

But how do I stop myself getting out my (very sparse!!) wallet leave your wallet at home and tell him you'll regard it as your birthday meal or a contribution towards all of the meals you've cooked for him,

But it's not going happen as he'll be 'too tired' to go anywhere tonight.

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 21:42:13

Well that was an uninspiring two hours. He arrived and agreed to go somewhere 'cheap'. So we had some not great pub food and I could not think of much to say. I asked about divorce and he said 'she dealt with all of that its up to her' and when he was talking about his kids, I asked if he wanted his and mine to meet up, bearing in mind he was reluctant before as his ex had told him a new partner could never meet their children (hypocritical yes!!)... He said yes as he needs to stop worrying about what she thinks. He is a nice guy... But the conversation doesn't I probably shouldn't even be having conversations about kids meeting when I know this. So... Then he dropped me home... Kiss ... But no coming in. He's not just after sex but I agree with the posters who said he has relaxed into the comfort. I do have feelings for him, but I'm more used to someone more sparky.

DippyDooDahDay Thu 11-Feb-16 21:43:36

Oh and I went halves... I'd like him to want to take me out, not be forced to...but doesn't look to be on the cards!

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