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Why have I never felt sexually attracted to anyone?

(67 Posts)
fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 13:49:03

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RandomMess Thu 11-Feb-16 13:56:30

Have you looked at the information around being asexual and ruled that out?

Assuming that is the case then it is just fear/anxiety? What attitude to sex did your parents have?

fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 14:02:33

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fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 14:06:27

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PinanNidan Thu 11-Feb-16 14:12:02

There are people who are asexual who do enjoy sex once they get into it but who wouldn't particular chose to initiate sex. There are asexuals with a high libido who just have no wish to use that with someone else if that makes sense.

BertieBotts Thu 11-Feb-16 14:12:38

You are probably demisexual, which I think is a bit bleurgh as a concept but it is occasionally helpful to have a specific term for it - it means you're effectively asexual except when you have strong feelings for somebody already.

And then also you probably have a reactive libido rather than a spontaneous one, which means that you're not the type of person to just suddenly desire sex and want to pin your partner down immediately, but when things start to happen, then you get turned on and are really into it.

I think I am the same, TBH. I don't really get what it means to be attracted to somebody sexually. I can look at somebody and find them attractive but it doesn't translate to wanting to have sex with them. (But differently to you, I do feel the urge to flirt and I think I am quite flirty on purpose.)

fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 14:14:49

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fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 14:17:04

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fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 14:20:30

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SoozeyHoozey Thu 11-Feb-16 14:31:08

Could you be attracted to women?

fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 14:38:04

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fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 14:42:34

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fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 16:21:24

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EcclefechanTart Thu 11-Feb-16 20:20:52

I think the fear thing sounds pretty key to understanding all this. Do you feel afraid of your other emotions too? Or is it just fear of desire?

Thinkishouldcoco Thu 11-Feb-16 20:31:02

This could be me-married but zero sex drive until things get going at which point I enjoy it.
I find people attractive but like PP that doesn't translate into me wanting sex with them.
My family were fairly repressed about sex and emotions-it wasn't discussed.
I also used to masturbate quite a lot as a child and teenager which I felt very ashamed of and I think has affected my feelings about sex.
Also an incident with a flasher as a teenager affected me more than I realised at the time.

MavolioBent Thu 11-Feb-16 20:38:59

It is possible that you are asexual. This does not mean that you don't like sex or have no libido just that you do not feel sexual attraction to others.

I am asexual. I only recently worked that out. Sex is completely not on radar most of the time. I've always had crushes and fantasies but sex never featured. I aways thought I would start to feel that attraction or desire once I started having sex, then I just assumed everyone else was lying about sex as I honestly don't get it.

Have you tried the Aven forum? It's a site for asexual and I've found just reading it has helped me to understand myself.

Asexuality seems to be a spectrum ranging from sex repulsed a romantic to demisexual.

If fear is the problem perhaps some form of self help if therapy not an option?

Hope my rambling helps.

CottonFrock Thu 11-Feb-16 20:39:13

What leaps out at me from your posts (other than the fact that a lot of your feelings around sex and attraction have been obviously influenced by your parents) is your fear of sexual attraction being a disruptive, life-ruining force - it sounds as if part of your fear of sexual attraction is that you think that if you managed to switch your own sexual impulses on, they would swing messily around like an out-of-control firehose, leading to you helplessly having affairs or propositioning strangers. What is this fear based on?

Meeep Thu 11-Feb-16 20:47:21

This isn't a weird thing. Women are reactive to men's desires in most books, films, porn, art, music, adverts, everything really. Not proactively desiring anything themselves. It's how we are shown/taught to be.

fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 20:53:17

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fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 20:55:27

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pocketsaviour Thu 11-Feb-16 21:04:22

You are clearly living the lessons that your mother taught you, that up until recently you may not have even realised you had learned.

I do think you need to unpick this with a skilled therapist. There are many therapists who will do Skype sessions if you can't get to a face-to-face meeting - would this be a possibility for you?

RandomMess Thu 11-Feb-16 21:15:37

After reading about your parents I don't think you are asexual at all you have just had very strong, conflicting negative messages around sex thrown at you - not surprised that it's an area that you are not comfortable with in certain respects.

PinanNidan Thu 11-Feb-16 21:28:34

I am also asexual Mavolio. Interestingly I had never heard of it until someone on here posted about it a few weeks ago. I joined the Aven forum and it was like a lightbulb moment.

Sorry op for hijacking!

fiordaliso Thu 11-Feb-16 23:58:29

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EcclefechanTart Fri 12-Feb-16 00:02:55

Where do you think the feeling of fear of your own emotions, and especially your own desire, comes from? Were you ever in trouble for having feelings? Or do you fear non-reciprocation?

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