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Don't think I can move on- I really resent mil for spoiling my wedding day

(16 Posts)
Littleyellowcastle Thu 11-Feb-16 10:00:04

Long bask story but basically had a long and good if distant relationship with my mil- we've never been close but always respectful if each other and civil.

This changed during the run up to our wedding. Myself and now Dh had been together a number of years before finally marrying- due to us not inviting dh's nc dsis all hell broke lose with mil she caused a lot of problems including screaming at me in tears on front of my dd while I was 6 months pregnant.

Anyway the long and short of it is we wouldn't back down and held strong that he didn't want his dsis there and I supported this so mil could either come or not.
She came.
She didn't speak to me at all on the wedding day...not a word.
After that I avoided her as much as possible I felt really uncomfortable around her. She has since apologised to Dh and offered to apologise to me but I said to Dh to tell her to not worry lets just all move forward and I really meant it I want to forget the whole thing but I can't.
I really resent her behaviour and how shit I felt on my wedding day it makes me sad to look back at how awkward I felt that day. I'm still disgusted by the way she tried to bully me in front of my child while I was pregnant.

How do I move forward from this? I want Dh to still have a relationship with his mum I've not told him how I feel.

Littleyellowcastle Thu 11-Feb-16 10:01:15

Lots of typos in that sorry

EponasWildDaughter Thu 11-Feb-16 10:07:47

How long ago was the wedding OP?

She has since apologised to Dh and offered to apologise to me but I said to Dh to tell her to not worry lets just all move forward

Is that what DH said to her in the end? Perhaps as you are having trouble putting it behind you he could organise for you and his mother to come together to talk about this after all? And for her to give her apology.

SerenityReynolds Thu 11-Feb-16 10:09:24

I think you're doing as much as you can. You agreed to try to move on, but you can't force yourself to feel ok about MIL just like that. You're not letting it affect her relationship with her son and grandchildren and it's good that she effectively apologised. However that doesn't mean that everything is just ok again. Keep doing what you're doing, be civil but don't have more to do with her than you feel you want to outside of her seeing your DH. Give yourself time to see if you can maybe forgive her. But if you can't, that's ok too.

blindsider Thu 11-Feb-16 10:13:51

Sounds to me like you should have taken the apology from your MIL

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 11-Feb-16 10:15:00

No need to apologise.

It looks like your DHs family of origin is not ideal at all and these familial problems likely go back many years, certainly prior to you and he meeting.

What is the situation re his sister?. Examine more their relationship particularly when they were growing up together. It may well be that one of them i.e. his sister was more favoured that her brother i.e. your now husband. If you did not want as a couple to invite her then that was your prerogative. Her mother unsurprisingly took her side. I think if you were to look more closely at these two, his sister is a carbon copy of her mother.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and those roles are still being played out.

Where are your own boundaries here with regards to his mother?. By telling your DH to tell her not to worry, you have basically let her get away with her bad behaviour which she will repeat if not escalate over time. I would keep her well away from you and your children particularly after she screamed at you whilst crying in front of your child. Presumably your man was nearby when all that was happening as well.

You do need to tell DH how you feel so why have you not done that to date?.

Do you think your H will be fully supportive of you when you do talk to him about his mother?. It may be that your H still has a degree of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) when it comes to her. It may be that your DH wants to distance himself further from his family of origin; that is a decision that he can only make.

He may want to continue a relationship with his mother but that does not mean that you in turn have to or even forget about what has happened to you. You have not been able to forget either.

You have likely come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is completely unknown to you but you simply cannot apply "normal" rules of familial relations to people like his mother and in turn his sister. These people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions; an apology from his mother will certainly be an empty gesture and after that you will be expected to tow the line again.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

RidersOnTheStorm Thu 11-Feb-16 10:19:00

It seems that she realises that she was wrong and she's sorry. Does your DH believe she's genuinely sorry?

If he does then try hard to move on. You can't turn back time.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 11-Feb-16 10:33:34

You need to tell her how you feel yourself, allow her to apologise and move on. Don't communicate through your DH, you are individuals with your own relationship.

shovetheholly Thu 11-Feb-16 11:04:10

I think there are two issues here, and I suspect they are connected by a question of legitimacy. You feel that it is legitimate to take umbrage forever at your MIL's behaviour at the wedding, but you don't feel that it's legitimate to object to her continuing bad behaviour. I would question this, and ask whether it isn't the other way round?

Firstly, the wedding is in the past. There's no point letting her ruin your memories of it. Very few days are completely perfect - try to focus on the parts that were lovely for you. So she acted like a child - well, she only showed herself up, really, didn't she?

Secondly, the poor behaviour. If she repeatedly behaves badly this is a more serious issue, and you have every right to feel aggrieved that she screamed at you in the way she did. I think you should listen to her apology and accept it gracefully, but I think it would be reasonable and indeed politic to maintain some distance and not to reestablish closeness and trust immediately. When someone does something like this, it is quite right that it changes your view and your behaviour towards them. You can be assertive about this, though, not a victim - making it clear that you will not tolerate such behaviour but that you're willing to maintain the relationship on a new footing.

Here's the really great thing: you and your DH stood strong. You were challenged strongly on your policy of not inviting the DSIS, and you stood your ground. Your MIL's behaviour suggests to me that she is used to throwing her weight around and being obeyed. And you, to your credit, didn't pander to that. This is not something to mourn - this is the start of a new, more adult relationship that is about the boundaries that YOU are setting. You should feel proud of the way you've both handled it!

PennyDropt Thu 11-Feb-16 11:29:51

I would follow Schnitzel's advice and speak to mil at a time you won't be interrupted, her response might or might not help you to move on. But it will help you decide what relationship you want in the future. There must have been some lovely times at the wedding, can you remember those with family and friends?

ricketytickety Thu 11-Feb-16 12:00:45

Unfortunately, you're not going to change a lifetime of behaviour talking to her. I would leave it as you have and decide in your own mind how you are going to deal with her in the future. Basically, as little as possible.

I would make sure she has as little control in your life as possible and keep her at arms length. It's very aggressive to shout and cry at a 6 month pregnant woman in front of a small child.

Have a chat with your dh and ask him what he thought of her behaviour. Explain that she's burnt her bridges with you but that you are happy to go along with a facade of niceness to help things run smoothly. Unless she pulls another stunt. Explain to him what you won't put up with. Try and have a united front. He's probably on your wavelength but feels obligated to her.

Cabrinha Thu 11-Feb-16 12:16:44

I'll be a bit harsh here, but a wedding is just one day. She was bloody rude not to speak to you... but you need to stop holding into her "spoiling your wedding day". Even if you decide to never speak to her again. It's just a day, and surely you can focus on some good stuff from the day?

Separate issue is whether you resolve things with her. Fine to decide not to - but I think you need to decide based on all her behaviour, not just this. But you can't send back the message "no need to apologise, let's move on" if you can't do it. You obviously can't just move on. Would an apology help? Was this one off behaviour?

Cabrinha Thu 11-Feb-16 12:18:28

FWIW my own mother spent my wedding getting drunk and crying that she wasn't getting any attention as mother of the bride hmm

Fuck letting that spoil my day.

Time to remind yourself of the good parts of the day.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 11-Feb-16 12:53:36

Very annoying behaviour on her part and it cut deep but you told your husband you don't require MIL to apologise whereas it seems it would go some way to mending the situation.

As it doesn't sound like it's going to be spontaneous I don't know what comfort it will provide. I am sure that going nc with SIL will have caused ripples and your wedding may not be the last time emotions spill over. MIL can't dictate to two adults how they lead their lives.

goodnightdarthvader1 Thu 11-Feb-16 13:22:00

OP, I get you. I had my maid of honour try to spoil my day by turning up late, meaning that her daughter couldn't walk me down the aisle as planned. It makes me furious every time I think about it, and it has coloured the day. I think about it every time I think back to the wedding, and she and I are no longer friends. So YANBU to struggle to forgive her.

I would have the apology conversation with her and see how you feel after. She may come out with something that surprises you. (I would have taken my own advice, but my MOH refused to discuss with with me, despite me trying to raise it twice. After that, I gave up and cut her off.)

April2013 Thu 11-Feb-16 16:21:27

I think if it was me I would only begin to start feeling ok about her if she had made a big effort to say sorry and been very genuine about it, what she did was really awful and she showed her true colours - if it was v out of character she would have gone to town trying to apologise to you but she has offered to apologise to you which seems a bit half hearted to me, maybe that's why you turned it down because it didn't seem genuine. I think if it was me I would not want to see her again unless I really had to and would let your DH carry on seeing her by himself, I think shouting at a pregnant woman is lowest of the low, on her wedding day and in front of her child way worse. My mil picked a fight with me whilst I was pregnant and has never shown any remorse, I'm just not interested in sharing my life with people that think that is ok. It made me feel like total shit.

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