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Tell me why we should get married

(47 Posts)
johendy Wed 10-Feb-16 21:03:36

I know marriage provides more protection should things go wrong down the track, but I'm not sure exactly how. Can someone help me understand the specifics?

We've been together 7 years, have 2 kids, have a house/mortgage in both our names, he earns considerably more than me.

I feel our finances are really fair and sensible, and I have no concerns (nobody does until they need to, though do they?!)

ridemesideways Wed 10-Feb-16 21:21:13

If one of you earns below £10K per year the other can pay less tax? £200 per year?

ridemesideways Wed 10-Feb-16 21:25:12

Oh, if you aren't each others legal next of kin, you may not be able to have any say in medical decisions in an emergency / critical / death situation.

And also can't benefit from sharing an Autoaid breakdown policy together!

I'm in the same boat as you btw, so interested to hear other responses...

goddessofsmallthings Wed 10-Feb-16 21:31:23

Unless he's made a Will in your favour you won't inherit his share of the house if he pops his clogs, nor will you be entitled to claim any state benefit including widow's pension in respect of his death.

If he dies intestate (without a Will) your dc will inherit but one or other of his family members may step in and organise the funeral and, as the law stands, you'll have to step back and let them get on with it.

If you were to split up you'd have no claim to anything other than your share of the house and child maintenance and may find yourself in dispute over items you've bought unless you're able to prove through receipts etc that you own them.

harridan50 Wed 10-Feb-16 21:34:35

Because you love each other, you have a family and have an idea you will grow old and wrinkly together.

Racmactac Wed 10-Feb-16 21:38:15

because if you split up you are only entitled to your 50% share of the house. If you are married you are entitled to far more - spousal maintenance, pension sharing etc

BertNErnie Thu 11-Feb-16 00:04:58

I'm in the same boat and am interested in hearing more replies. We have 2DC, have been together for 14 years and our house is in joint names. I have a good salary and our savings are in my name simply because I am a saver and he is a spender. I also have a pot of savings that are my own incase of emergencies. He doesn't have a pension and no other assets apart from a house abroad (that I have no interest in gaining from financially)

Cabrinha Thu 11-Feb-16 00:16:32

You say this question is if things go wrong, so I'll set aside the next of kin wishes, widow's pension type stuff...

You earn much less and have 2 kids. Would you pass an affordability check for a mortgage on your own? Afford the payments on a new place? In the area where your kids are settled in school?
If you can, fine (if your circumstances don't change, of course)

Right now, you split, you get your share of the house equity, end of.

Now imagine you are splitting but he's acting like a selfish cock and isn't putting the kids first. Happens. You won't get a mortgage on your own and can't afford to buy him out. Next thing you know, you're enjoying the stress and vagaries of private rental, paying more in rent than you used to in mortgage, and you're nowhere near the kids' schools.

It you're married, you could try for a Mesher order whereby you get to stay put in the marital home, buying him out is deferred, until your youngest is 18. Pretty big difference being married!

Klaptout Thu 11-Feb-16 00:19:44

From a purely practical point, next of kin should either of you die, also for medical decisions.
It's been in the news today about widowed parents allowance, it's never been given to an unmarried couple, a landmark challenge has now changed that.
How well do you get on with your DPs family?
I was glad that a was married when my DH died, the in-laws would've happily seen me and our children out on the street.
Make sure you have life insurance and a will.

CuttedUpPear Thu 11-Feb-16 00:22:04

I'm interested too. DP won't countenance marriage. But I long for some long term financial security.
Is that wrong of me? He earns more than me.
Sorry for slight thread hijack.

PitilessYank Thu 11-Feb-16 00:24:00

Have you asked your kids what they think? I think some kids prefer married parents. Just a guess, not necessarily a reason to do it, just a thought.

I think that the legal protections of marriage are significant.

Canyouforgiveher Thu 11-Feb-16 00:26:37

*DP won't countenance marriage. But I long for some long term financial security.
Is that wrong of me? He earns more than me. *

It isn't wrong of him - just a statement of how far he is willing to commit. he loves you and wants to live with you but doesn't trust you with his resources/money. I wouldn't blame him necessarily but it is definitely a limitation of how far he is willing to commit to you both as a partnership and you need to look at that very clearly and without the distraction of "you know I love you" and "we get on so well together".

I wouldn't have children with a man who wouldn't countenance marriage (meaning the legal and financial commitments you get with marriage). But if I didn't want children I might be happy enough.

PitilessYank Thu 11-Feb-16 00:28:26

I enjoy being able to refer to my husband, as opposed to partner, or other half.

I come from a very unconventional family, but interestingly, three of the four of us siblings are married, one to a same-gender partner, and the fourth may do likewise (also to a same-gender partner) this year. My point is that getting married doesn't mean one has to adopt any particular lifestyle, one still gets to invent one's own life and relationship.

ticket123 Thu 11-Feb-16 00:30:28

I wouldn't bother. I would get agreements in place though regarding finances, next of kin etc

By all means get married though if you want to have to give your fathers profession to a stranger though. And have any interest in changing your name (optional). And fancy having people talk about your 'failed' marriage should it not work out. (No one ever says 'failed' relationship do they?) And then if you want to get divorced as quickly as you married prepare to get ready for one of you to have to blame the other and justify it to a stranger (judge), or be forced to sit it out for two years

Love has fuck all to do with it

Iwantmymaidennameback Thu 11-Feb-16 00:36:24

Because when the shit hits the fan you know you and the DCs are not going to end up living in a shithole on benefits whilst he lives it up with his new younger model.

Elizabethreallyismissing Thu 11-Feb-16 06:39:35

Inheritance tax or avoidance off if you are married, probably more important if you own a house in the South East. Pensions, most pensions don't 't pay out to a none spouse.
I thik generally if things are going well then it doesn't matter if you're married or not. It's when things to wrong that it's important.
I lost my partner of 14 years very suddenly (15 years ago now) we thought we had done all the legal stuff required to protect each other but the solicitor had cocked up. I nearly lost my house!
I'm married now, no way was I going through that again!

screamingeels Thu 11-Feb-16 06:52:45

Being married automatically gives you rights over assets/ house/ next of kin decisions. My biggest worry was DH having less say about kids if I died. I didn't want my parent's making decisions.
You can achieve same effect with legal agreements but getting married can be easier and cheaper and surer.
It also demonstrates a greater commitment to the relationship, as someone said above divorce is not straight-forward. (I didn't have to give father's proffesion or change my name though).

HelpfulChap Thu 11-Feb-16 07:00:28

Never understood blokes that will live with someone, have a joint mortgage etc and have kids together but won't marry their partners.

Not sure what the issue is.

Obviously I appreciate I am from a different generation and things were mostly different back then.

Personally I like the commitment but I appreciate it isn't for everyone.

ticket123 Thu 11-Feb-16 08:05:55

Elizabeth - they didn't ask your dads occupation when you gave notice to marry?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 11-Feb-16 08:23:33

I was not asked my dad's profession either when the paperwork was done to get married; all that was needed in my case were their names.

Relationship breakdown particularly in instances where the couple are unmarried are no less awful and can be even more protracted, fought over and drawn out.

Katenka Thu 11-Feb-16 08:39:51

No one asked me my parents profession when I got married confused

Dh insisted we were married before we had kids. Especially if I was going to be a sahm, for my protection.

His mother is a money grabber and he knew if he died she wouldn't think twice about screwing me and our kids over.

AuntieStella Thu 11-Feb-16 08:42:22

Overview of the differences here:

It's totally up to you whether you want the legal protections of marriage or not. And/or can afford to put mitigating measures for some of these in place separately.

Salene Thu 11-Feb-16 09:00:00

So you all have the same surname and your children know their parents are married.

You make a official life long commitment to each other.

You wear a ring so other know you are in a committed relationship

Goodbetterbest Thu 11-Feb-16 09:07:00

Best thing I ever did was get married.

Said my divorce solicitor.

I would have seriously been up shit creek had I not.

I wanted to get married, I felt it closes the circle of our family life. I was committed. But mainly because of the massive implications of not being married, which in most cases are detrimental to women. It gave me some security in a pretty unequal society.

I don't like the implication that you should change your name if married. DCs have my name though.

Eminybob Thu 11-Feb-16 09:08:53

DP and I have been together 10 years and have a DS. We have been messing about with the idea of marriage for years but could never be bothered with the hassle/expense.
However we are going to start trying for DC2 soon and I knew I didn't want to have any more kids until we have the commitment (plus due to some antiquated law DS is classed as illegitimate until we get married and then we have to re-register him shock)
So anyway, we are getting married in May, just the 3 of us in the registry office then a pub lunch after. Perfect smile

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