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Has he got feelings for me or am I trying to see something that isn't there?

(73 Posts)
FoxMuldersSister Wed 10-Feb-16 20:49:53

My ex and I were together for about three months, although we knew each other a little bit before that. We split up as we lived quite far apart, both had busy lives and to be completely honest - I felt like I was more into him than he was me. He's not at all verbally reassuring, he wasn't good at making plans, he needed a lot of solitude and I felt a lot of the time I was wondering if he still liked me which isn't common for me. He also said a few things a few times that led me to believe he wasn't seeing a future or a serious commitment. I had a lot of feelings for him so felt I was going to get hurt and decided to stop seeing him for my own good.

I explained at the time it was because we didn't see each other often enough. He was okay with it, he's a very passive person and he just said he respected my decision. I took that lack of fight as confirmation I made the right decision, cried a lot and tried to get on with life.

He does have a general air of "can't be bothered" with things that made me feel a bit like he couldn't be bothered with me and he's very pessimistic about love in the things that he says.

That was three months ago, and we carried on talking now and then and still get on very well but we haven't seen each other, although he has said several times that he wants to see me or get together.

He does a few things that just make me feel maybe there might be something there between us. For one thing, he messages me quite a lot. If I send him a message he tries to make the conversation go on as long as possible.

He also does little things, like for example he sent me a text at midnight on new year so he thought about me at that moment which was nice. He has phoned a few times and we've talked and he's said that he misses seeing me (not quite the same as saying he misses me!) and has also said he finds me more attractive than anyone else he's met before and he reminisces a lot about things we did together and says he still looks at photos of me.

We have both been on dates and felt nothing for the other person. He has also been busted watching my facebook page (as he made comments he could only have known if he was reading it) although we are not friends on there, so he is going out of his way I guess to look at me.

Then yesterday he just showed up at my house to see me and he lives over an hour and a half away so it's quite a journey. I wasn't home but he sent me a message to say that he wanted to suprise me, that it as very unlike him to do something like that but he thought it was the sort of thing I would like.

I was thinking that if he actually wanted me, he would have made more effort when we were together because he really didn't, and he is a person who seems to be happy with seeing me every two weeks and not much contact in between, which for me is not enough to feel close. I am not sure if all of this is about him wanting to get his leg over, or if he might have feelings too?

If he did he'd not admit it, but still have feelings for him so don't want to see him at all if it's not for the right reasons.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 10-Feb-16 21:04:12

He most probably does have some feelings for you, but his nature won't have changed and having determined that "he's not at all verbally reassuring, he wasn't good at making plans, he needed a lot of solitude" I'm wondering why you're still holding a candle for him?

He sounds hard work and I'm sure there's no shortage of better prospects scloser to home.

FoxMuldersSister Wed 10-Feb-16 21:09:07

The heart wants what it wants I suppose. I wish I'd felt differently and I thought time apart would make it dissolve but it doesn't. I do know I will get over him if I continue to stay away eventually, but if there's a chance he has feelings for me too then I'd like to meet and talk about it. I always thought if men wanted to be with you they let you know in no uncertain terms and I just felt he was so passive about me sometimes.

pumpkinmoon1 Wed 10-Feb-16 21:15:15

Why not ask him what his intentions are? Does he want a serious relationship and can he see a future with you?

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 10-Feb-16 21:21:16

No relationship at the very start, has any guarantees. You read posts on here all the time, where the guy IS very verbal and affectionate at the start, only for him to go cold a few months in, for absolutely no apparent reason.

Similarly you could marry the guy, only for it to fall apart 10 years later.

I think that you are analysing this way too much. I think it's a self preservation thing for you.

But the thing is, unless you just go with the flow, throw yourself into the possibility of love, then you are going to stay on the shelf forever.

Personally, I would see where things go. Open up.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 10-Feb-16 21:23:11

And also, I'd add, isn't it better to trust what people do, rather than what they say? Anyone can talk a good game.

FoxMuldersSister Wed 10-Feb-16 21:36:06

Thank you there. Yes, we did talk about where things were going when we were together and he was very up and down. Obviously when you are together three months under normal circumstances it's quite early to have the talk but even harder when you only see each other once 2 - 3 times a month.

In person, when we were together, he would say things all the time to allude to the idea he definitely saw a future but when we were apart he would be quite non-committal and say he didn't see himself in a place to give a full commitment and that he was concerned by the travelling distance. There were a lot of mixed messages and he admitted to being hurt in the past and reluctant to make a strong attachment.

I do agree with you about trusting actions, but obviously when you haven't seen your boyfriend for 10 days and he can go a few more before feeling the need to jump on a train it can be a bit hurtful and feel like rejection. I struggled with that but it seemed to me like he was very up and down and at times he was desparate to see me and other times seemed like he was almost avoiding seeing me.

He isn't good with his words, and he fumbles and stumbles them and he;s told me he thinks it's best not to come on too strong but he has told me he wants to keep seeing me.

I just think his idea of seeing me is sleeping with me 2 - 3 times a month and it's okay for me to live with that if he genuonely has feelings and needs time and space to let that grow into more slowly but another if he just sees me as a temporary place to kill time.

FoxMuldersSister Wed 10-Feb-16 21:39:05

Come to think of it when we were together we got on wonderfully, he was never passive about me then, always very passionate always very affectionate and loving and never made me feel a moment of doubt that he really liked me but it was the distance. The not bothering to make space to see me more often, the lack of texts to just simply say "I miss you". There was no reassurance between times and I felt he had a lack of a sense of urgency about it all that I translated in my mind to me being just a casual thing for him with no view to a future.

I was touched that he showed up at my door though and mde a three hour trip after work to do that. For him, such a gesture must have been very out of character as he says.

pumpkinmoon1 Wed 10-Feb-16 21:44:40

3 months maybe too soon to know, but you should have some idea if the person you are seeing is one that you want to stick around with the potential of it turning into something more serious.

The distance does seem like a big problem and probably will mean that you can't see someone as often as you like, are you happy with that or do you want a boyfriend that will be more present in your life?

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 10-Feb-16 21:52:20

Very difficult situation. Could you agree to see each other again, but tell him that you realise that he is a bit non committal at this point, so you will date other men, until he reaches a point that he wants to explore monogamy/commitment? Tell him you went too fast before and that this time you should approach things differently. I reckon that might scare the shit out of him? But, I would actually date other men as well. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket, especially if that basket isn't even on your own Pantry shelf.

FoxMuldersSister Wed 10-Feb-16 21:59:08

I had two long distance relationships before and I am great with them. you see each other when you se each other and you do the little things in between to show you care. It was worth it because the guy was special, and in this case, the guy is special and it's also not unthinkable for us to live together in the future as my job is mobile and we can make it work easily if we want to.

The point / hard part is how do you get through courtship with someone you see so rarely who is quite bad at communicating over phone / text / email? He does communicate with me, just none of the reassurance I would expect or be used to. Or at last not consistently and he didnt actually even contct me every day. He definitely prefers more emotional space to me so that could be the problem.

If I am honest, with ho busy my life is, seeing someone every two weeks is actually fine. The real problem was feeling like he could not be bothered.

FoxMuldersSister Wed 10-Feb-16 22:04:26

I do know what you mean blonde but we were having sex and very intimate.

Dating other people didn't feel right, so I made the decision to end it completely in order to open myself up to men who seemed more like they were making an effort to create a relationship with me.

And I have actually been dating other people who have made a lot more effort but don't have the same click or emotions towards them so it is hard.

Do you think he does have feelings for me?

I m okay with being patient as long as I'm not being made a fool of.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 10-Feb-16 22:04:58

Maybe he will be more attentive the second time round - realises what he almost lost?? You could give it 3 months and re-evaluate?

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 10-Feb-16 22:06:45

I think he probably does, yes. If it was about getting his leg over, he would have visited you on a day he knew you'd be in (ie. made a pre arrangement).

pumpkinmoon1 Wed 10-Feb-16 22:09:57

I would agree. Maybe give it a bit of time to see how it will be the second time around. Make sure you are prepared to walk away though if after giving it a chance, your needs aren't being met.

TheNaze73 Wed 10-Feb-16 22:28:32

It may be easier said than done but, just ask him. if he's good with things & wants to give it a go, maybe in the early stages (say first 2 years) just concentrate on having a laugh, having a nice time & not worry about the future. And most importantly, in the bits In between dates, focus on you. Good luck, I think he sounds like one of the good guys

Helmetbymidnight Wed 10-Feb-16 22:39:16

he's not at all verbally reassuring, he wasn't good at making plans, he needed a lot of solitude and I felt a lot of the time I was wondering if he still liked me which isn't common for me. Oh and he's passive, got an air of can't be bothered and pessimism.

You think he might like you because he texted you at midnight on News year eve and because this week, he drove a whole hour and a half to see you?

He sounds pretty crap to me.

HeddaGarbled Wed 10-Feb-16 23:20:02

I don't think you are compatible and I think you won't get over him properly unless you cut contact.

Really, he needs to shit or get off the pot. At the moment he's just stringing you along and stopping you finding someone else.

If you want to give him a chance, maybe put a time limit on it. If he hasn't made a definite, strong and unequivocal commitment in one month's time, bin him and find someone who will. You can't spend the rest of your life with someone who is half hearted about his feelings for you. It will destroy your self esteem.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 10-Feb-16 23:36:14

Do you actually want a linear relationship (the sort of thing that some people describe as 'the relationship escalator') - you date, you have sex, you move in, you marry, you have babies and then stay together till one of you dies? Are you at the sort of age where you are thinking about having children in the fairly near future? If that iswhat you want, it doesn't sound very much as though it's what he wants. Some people are just not that interested in a long term relationship or a very commited one, which isn't necessarily wrong. But it's also possible that this man might like a committed/linear relationship at some point only not with you. He might think that you are OK, pleasant company and good in bed, but for whatever reason, he doesn't want to make more of things than an occasional shag. So he texts you when he's horny.

FoxMuldersSister Wed 10-Feb-16 23:43:26

I suppose I do want a linear relationship or at least just to feel like he sees me that way and not as a time filler while he waits for someone he does see a future with.

I am not sure how to tell which it is. I didn't feel like it was what he wanted when we were together which was exactly why I ended things.

Showing up at the door threw me off, but it could just be he was horny and knew that would win me over.

I wish I knew how to approach this right. Torn between not wanting to end up being an occasional shag with a badly broken heart when he meets someone he does want a linear relationship with and the other possibility which is that he feels a lot like I do and it's just early days and I have been overly jumpy.

Slowdecrease Thu 11-Feb-16 00:14:14

I'm not sure I understand why you want to be in touch with someone you're dating every single day ? Before the days of texting etc this didn't really happen but now it seems to be the catalyst for so many women to chuck potential relationships away on the basis of a guy's texting prowess.

Millliii Thu 11-Feb-16 00:48:27

Three months is hardly any time to get to know each other properly. Its about having fun and exploring. Its for light dating and nothing heavy. I would say you were rushing something that may or may not have legs.

TheNaze73 Thu 11-Feb-16 07:46:30

slowdecrease & milliiii are both spot on. In the days before texting, you saw someone, set the next date & got on with your life. I know I sound old but, it was so much easier back in the day. Sure it works both ways, having read threads about needy men but, I've dated women who go crazy, if I've not replied to a text within 10 minutes. That puts so much instant pressure on what should be the fun bit

FoxMuldersSister Thu 11-Feb-16 11:04:28

I understand in the days before texting that we might find it normal not to hear from someone for a few days, but seeing as we do have texting does it take all of three seconds to say helll you your girlfriend?

Especially a new one, in the honeymoon period.

I might be in the minority but it just helps so much to feel like someone cares and is thinking of you.

I am happy to take things slow and have fun, but hard to have fun when someone seems a bit half hearted with you.

Millliii Thu 11-Feb-16 11:09:24

Well only if it's Definately established that you are exclusively his girlfriend. Maybe he is not into texting. A lot of men aren't .

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