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How can I get DD to say bye bye to her bf(21 Posts)
DD is 15 (just)and has not had a particularly great role model in terms of a positive male influence in her life. She has no contact with her dad for many years due to him not making any effort, I am single and have been for a few years. DD has MH difficulties and sees camhs.
She has a boyfriend of about 7 months he is 16. When I meet him he is very quiet but there were previous issues with him accusing her of cheating , when in fact it transpired he had but despite about 6 girls saying so DD doesn't believe it and just thinks these girls are jealous and out to wreck her relationship. She hasn't confided in me much recently only positive things, I got a phone call from one of her best friends parents saying her DD was worried about my DD. She said she had been uncontrollably crying very often at school about him, she didn't specify what he'd done for DD to be upset but she thought it was rumours of other girls. DD spent a literally the whole time on the phone to him from 7am till school then 4 till I remove her phone at 10, she isn't spending as much time with her friends incase "other boys are there". I tried speaking to her about knowing she's been upset she said it was nothing to do with him then screamed that I'm trying to ruin her relationship and need to stop being so nosey . I don't think she'll confide in me over him anymore as previously I have seen messages he's sent her and the way he's behaved and I spoken at length with her about her being worth much more etc she needed to give him "one last chance" so she won't want me to know he's probably on his 50th last chance. She is quite fixated on him and I'm not sure how I can try and encourage her to break away ?! She flies into a rage at the mere mention of him and won't confide in me anymore.
You can't I'm afraid...if you stop her seeing him she will just continue in secret. My friends have gone through this with their daughters and they do see sense eventually but it's difficult for you in the meantime. I have also seen the damage done to young girls in relationships like this...it's spills over to their adult lives..I know this as my son has just broke with his gf who has severe issues due to being treated badly in the past, she has no concept of trust or healthy boundaries. If only we could show them themselves a few years from now and they wouldn't tolerate such a terrible relationship
Rather than attacking the BF you need to help your DD to work on her self-respect.
Oh that's sad, and really worrying for you. Is there someone else she might speak to who could reinforce what you're saying? An older friend, aunt etc she might talk to? Sadly I think you have to let this go its course and be there for your DD, which might mean keeping quiet about the bf now. Stay strong OP
I haven't attacked him I don't like him for obvious reasons.
DDs friends are quite anti him so she won't really talk to anyone about him she just gets really defensive. It was like this from the word go so I'm surprised it's lasted this long.
Forget him, make it all about her. Boost her self worth, invite her to do more with you subtlety, talk about your heart break experiences. She has to believe you understand before she will open up.
I think we've all been there to some extent. I had a crap boyfriend at that age, I knew fine well he was crap but I loved him so it was easier just to repel all logic and refuse to engage with haterz.
My mum was stuck like you, unable to get tough or anything like that, knowing she had to step back. She must have bitten her lip a thousand times. It ran it's course and we broke up eventually. All you can do is wait it out.
For what it's worth it seems common for the girls friends to dislike the boy and that's because he is alienating her from her friends. Once he is out of the picture the friendships should go back to normal
You need to talk to her about her self worth. I would also say in her GCSE year she cannot have her phone for more than an hour an evening, say it in front of him too so he doesn't give her a hard time.
I would also
stalk check out his social media stuff and warn your daughter (without her knowing you are warning her) about revenge porn.
So should I continue to welcome him into the house etc? I do speak to her a lot about her self worth and have tried to encourage her to engage with counsellors but she "doesn't do talking" she likes to talk about other peoples problems at great length but clams up when it comes to talking about herself and is very quick to change subject or bolt.
I am friends with her on SM etc but don't have her passwords to check messages etc. I want her to have privacy , just hate that she's with someone who makes her feel rubbish about herself. She is genuinely convinced "everyone" fancies him and she's so lucky . Having met him many times I struggle to see how this could be true!
Better they are in the house and you know where she is and that she is ok then they are sneaking around because you haven't made him feel welcome.think you need to almost kill him with kindness and as the other posters have said boost your DD's self worth in any way possible.Hopefully she will wise up soon.I don't know how my mum didn't say more than she did when I was dating a terrible boy at this age but even what little she did say was met with instant running even more to him from me.horrible and worrying situation for you op.
She's only just 15. She's not an adult for 3 years. I would put my foot down. No more BF. It won't be easy, but you are still the parent and she is the child. You wouldn't put up with it, if she was smoking or taking drugs. You are in charge.
Don't put your foot down, it will only encourage her and alienate her.
I know: when I was a little bit older I had a bf my dad hated, I ended up saying him for much longer than I would gave and leaving home to stay with him and his family.
Be kind, welcome him to your house, let your daughter talk to him and to you about him. Bite your tongue. She needs to know you are a supporter for her, and someone to talk to, now and if (when?) it ends.
Buy THIS for her and make sure she reads it.
It's so hard.
My DD was with a 'lovely' boy.
But he wasn't really.
He turned out to be controlling.
I did talk to her about it and in the end her best friend convinced her of all of this.
She ended it with him and is far better off without him.
We had a good chat afterwards and I used lots of MN stuff to reassure her about happiness etc....
You can really only be there for her when hopefully she ends it.
It doesn't sound like a great relationship does it. She needs to give him last chances, she's not spending time with friends in case other boys are there. That sounds like a threat has been issued to her re talking to other boys.
Christ it's so young for all this shite to be going on for her.
I think I would try just making very subtle passing comments about news stories or something you've read where women and girls were being treated like this by their boyfriends or husbands. Subtle as the most subtle thing you can be though as we all know 15 years olds can smell the bullshit a mile off!
Good luck to you both.
I agree don't put your foot down and stop her seeing him..but you already know this
I agree welcome him to the house and don't let her know how strongly you dislike him. She is more likely to open up. If they are in your house you can keep an eye on the way he is with her...but I imagine it when they are apart that he does most of his controlling
Have you spoken to her CAMHS worker about your concerns?
Yes they just nodded and said that must be hard . I have had him at our house numerous times and painted a fake smile but it feels so fake it's awkward. We do always chat but he is off limits chat wise. She is just besotted with him and when he's not being a prick he buys her jewellery and takes her for nice days out. This relationship really affects her behaviour at home and it's obvious when things are good and when they aren't. They don't spend loads of time together but do spent hours and hours on FaceTime ! I try subtle chats but she knows me to well and can figure out my subtle ways . I will definetly purchase the book and leave it on her bed.
My son was in a similar relationship last year. His gf was very jealous and controlling (didn't like him going out with his friends, would check his phone when he went to her house).
At first he found it flattering that she was so 'keen', then he started feeling guilty about upsetting her, but ultimately got tired of walking on eggshells around her. The final straw came when she started threatening to cut herself if he wouldn't cut certain friends she didn't like from his social media.
He did become very unhappy and withdrawn, but I tried to keep communication open as much as possible. Didn't tell him how I really felt about her, but like other pp's have said I talked to him about how people behave in healthy relationships, what would be considered abusive or unacceptable behaviour and how important his friends are. Never sitting him down and lecturing, but just making conversation i.e 'did you see this in the news?' 'how is BF?' etc
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