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Is this sexual abuse?

(90 Posts)
AmIbeingAbused Wed 10-Feb-16 10:59:26

I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread so have started my own but it's due to reading the "Photographing me when Asleep" thread that this has concerned me.

My DH and I have been married 12 years, have one child.

I was molested by my grandfather from the age of 2 or 3 until about 10 so I have issues with sex. I can not bear to be kissed or touched intimately but can cope with sex if it's initiated by me and I'm in control. We have sex very rarely, probably once a year. DH knew this about me before we married.

My DH has a high sex drive and this situation is extremely frustrating for him.

We had to start sleeping in separate beds because he had begun touching me intimately when I was asleep. I would wake up but pretend to remain asleep as I was hoping he would stop and didn't want to believe it was happening. I can tell he's awake because of his breathing but when I've challenged him about it he's insisted he was asleep and can't remember doing anything.

He even did it again the other day when I'd gone to his bed for a cuddle as I felt ill.

I've told him to leave me if he can't cope with the lack of sex, that I will understand but I just do not like sex. It makes my flesh crawl. When he does this to me it reminds me of my grandfather and sickens me; it's like he becomes a different person.

He will also try to trick me into bed with him by tapping on the walls or mumbling to himself so I'll go and investigate. He has masturbated over my sleeping body before but stopped when I woke up.

I'm worried now, from the responses to the other thread, that this is abuse. I love my DH dearly and know he loves me and he is such a kind, gentle, lovely man.

Have I made him this way?

LagunaBubbles Wed 10-Feb-16 11:02:57

No you havent made him this way, none of this is your fault. It is totally understandable you have issues with sex after your childhood abuse and if this was something you wanted to work on and your DH was supportive etc then this would be an entirely different kettle of fish but I do see this as rather worrying for you, its overstepping so many of your boundaries and wishes I dont know where to start. flowers

SmallBee Wed 10-Feb-16 11:04:38

Poor you OP. I'm sorry for the trauma you've been through.
I'm sorry to say that this absolutely is abuse as it is happening without your consent.
You have not 'made him this way' he has made this choice all by himself.
I don't have any advice but I am sure someone with more knowledge will be along in a minute, I didn't want to read and run.
This isn't your fault. You don't deserve this.

AmIbeingAbused Wed 10-Feb-16 11:04:45

Wanted to add - he is extremely apologetic when I've confronted him about it but it happens every time we share a bed. I sleep with our child now so he can't join me.

Mods - apologies but I meant to post this in Relationships, would you please move it for me? Sorry.

BarbarianMum Wed 10-Feb-16 11:06:48

<<No you havent made him this way, none of this is your fault.>>

This. Realistically, I don't see how a marriage b/w someone with a high sex drive and someone who hates sex is ever gouing to work, and given that he is now assaulting/abusing you I'm not really sure why you'd want it to. Sorry flowers - maybe you should leave him.

thecatfromjapan Wed 10-Feb-16 11:07:00

It makes your flesh crawl = you don't like it = it's across your boundaries = you are saying 'no' = if he continues, it's not with your consent = it's a violation.

No. You didn't make him this way.

I think you have trauma from the abuse in your past and you need help with that.

I also think your husband needs to stop doing things that violate you and should support you while you deal with issues arising from the abuse.

Good luck.

I

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 11:07:37

My DH has a high sex drive

All too often men use as a whiny excuse, like their dick will fall off if they don't get sex. It's bullshit and designed to emotionally manipulate.

Everything I said on that thread, OP, read it again as if I'm saying it to you. This is very much abuse. You do not owe him sex. Any chance you have of wanting or enjoying sex or any sexual contact will slowly dry up the more he treats you like a sex toy.

He abused your trust and your consent by touching you while asleep. That's nigh on impossible to come back from, even without a history of sexual abuse.

flowers

timelytess Wed 10-Feb-16 11:08:36

Why don't you leave him? You don't want sex, he does. He's going ahead without your permission. It sounds unhealthy. You've told him to 'leave...if...' but why don't you make the decision and put an end to this?

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 11:08:46

x-post.

Yes, he's apologetic. So is the husband in the other thread. They always are, snivelling little shitbags angry Then they do it again. And again. And again.

Have you told him how much this abuse of trust hurts you?

thecatfromjapan Wed 10-Feb-16 11:21:18

I must admit that I don't believe he's the right person to support you.

Sorry.

I was thinking about what the journey through therapy/counselling might be like and I just feel worried for you.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 11:24:36

I must admit that I don't believe he's the right person to support you.

Good point. He is absolutely NOT the right person to support you dealing with your childhood abuse.

AmIbeingAbused Wed 10-Feb-16 11:28:04

goodnightdarthvader1 Yes I have told him how much it upsets me, I've explained that it reminds me of how my grandfather touched me and he is so so so apologetic and insists he doesn't know he's doing it. Perhaps he really DOES do it in his sleep?

In all other aspects he's a fabulous husband and I don't want to leave him because I love him, it'd destroy our little family and it would break his heart. He's a good man which is why I don't understand how this happens.

I have, however, considered leaving him so he can find a proper woman who likes sex. I don't want therapy; I don't want to be made to like sex. I hate sex, I hate being touched and it's because my fucking grandad couldn't keep his dirty bastard hands off me. Grandad said he did it because I liked it and because he loved me so much. Stupid thing was, I didn't even realise what he was doing was abuse until years later, after he'd died. I just didn't understand.

Sorry, that all went a bit off topic. Feeling very emotional.

WonderingAspie Wed 10-Feb-16 11:28:20

Anything that is being done to you without your consent is abuse.

Given that he knows your history and is supposed to be a loving partner makes it worse. He doesn't care about your feelings, only getting what he wants. He is vile!

I have issues that I won't go into. My DH would never ever do anything like this at all! He respects my issues 100%. This is what a husband/partner should do.

AmIbeingAbused Wed 10-Feb-16 11:30:08

But what if he's telling the truth and doesn't know he's doing it? I THINK he's awake but maybe I'm wrong?

thecatfromjapan Wed 10-Feb-16 11:32:05

A good therapist wouldn't try and coerce you into wanting sex.
A good therapist will help you love yourself, feel comfortable about your anger, feel able to hold your own in the world as an adult, reconnect you with your sense of self and your belief in the value of your boundaries.
Those are good life skills to have.smile

Naicecuppatea Wed 10-Feb-16 11:34:13

No one who is asleep would masturbate over someone else sleeping. I am so sorry flowers. He is not respecting your wishes at all.

timelytess Wed 10-Feb-16 11:36:29

You know he does this. As he doesn't want your permission, he's not going to stop. By staying there, you are agreeing to it, or worse, you are facilitating him in abusing you. Before you shout 'victim blaming!' just think about it. He does it. You know he does it. He isn't going to stop. You won't leave.... so it isn't going to stop, is it? Are you re-living your experience with your grandfather, in a self-harm sort of way? Staying to endure it because you think that's all you deserve? You deserve your physical integrity, you deserve to sleep in safety. How can you arrange those things for yourself?

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 11:37:25

Perhaps he really DOES do it in his sleep?

Then he won't mind being referred to a sexual sleep clinic, will he? Not that I believe his bullshit for one second. And also, if he was doing it in his sleep, why the tapping on walls and shit? Is he doing that in his sleep, too?

And cat is correct - therapy is not about convincing you to put up with having sex (or even LIKE it) - it's to help you emotionally try and deal with the huge impact your grandfather's abuse has had on you.

And sweetheart, you ARE a proper woman. Not everyone likes sex, and that's ok. But in your case it's not a natural asexuality, it's been caused by something terrible that happened to you, and you owe it to yourself to try to come to terms with that - for your own happiness, not anyone else's. (I understand, I've not had therapy for my abuse, either, but I know I should.)

Dammyjoder Wed 10-Feb-16 11:38:18

Your husband is out of order, he know your not comfortable with sex and hes deliberately violating your boundries, you need his support to get through your issues and as your husband he should be helping you. I agree that this is a form of sexual abuse. Have you had counseling? I was sexually abused by my brother from an early age untill i was 11 ive just recently started counseling and it does help! I hope you get the help you need flowers

uglyswan Wed 10-Feb-16 11:38:22

I don't believe him. But look at it this way: IF he doesn't know he's doing it and IF he's so very very sorry about accidentally abusing you in his sleep, then why the fuck hasn't he moved into another room/checked into a sleep clinic/made an appointment with his GP or done anything at all to stop himself from sexually assaulting his wife in her own bed?

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 11:39:21

Staying to endure it because you think that's all you deserve? You deserve your physical integrity, you deserve to sleep in safety.

YY. It's well-known that abuse victims often find themselves in abusive situations (different people) throughout their life. You get stuck and subconsciously gravitate towards total fucking twats abusers.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 11:40:01

uglyswan said it very well.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Wed 10-Feb-16 11:42:08

AmI, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and everything you are still going through flowers

To me, it sounds like he is awake. The fact that he tries to trick you into going into the room and has masturbated over your body but stopped when you woke, leads me to think that he justifies it to himself that if you're asleep you won't know and therefore won't mind. That if you go in clearly you're up for it.

He is 100% in the wrong.

KingLooieCatz Wed 10-Feb-16 11:42:42

You deserve better and it can be found. I used to attend a support group for women with similar problems and every woman in the group was in a long term relationship.

Viviennemary Wed 10-Feb-16 11:42:57

I agree with the poster who says this isn't going to work. No he shouldn't be doing what he does. It's unacceptable. You just married the wrong man.

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