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Husband photographing me while asleep

(575 Posts)
Lollyz02 Wed 10-Feb-16 09:41:27

Ok I have seen this posted here before so I thought there may be some useful tips out there for me.
I have been with my husband for over 13 years. For as long as I can remember he has always had a high sex drive. Caught him looking at porn a few times and constantly saying we don't do it enough. About a year ago he took photos of me while I was sleeping. My breasts and my downstairs area. He also touched me down there and masturbated. I pretended out of shock to stay asleep for most of it. I "woke up" eventually and confronted him and he was very apologetic. Saying he doesn't know why he did it blah blah blah. Since then it has happened a few more times. I have got mad at him over and over again but he is always so down and apologetic I always let it go. Over the last 6 months I have had an increase in my sex drive (I went off contraceptives for medical reasons, we are using condoms). So we have been having sex more often and being a bit more adventurous. The other night he did it again! This time videoing me! Also I noticed he joined up a website looking for a threesome! I thought once we were having sex more often these tendencies would end sad

Lollyz02 Wed 10-Feb-16 09:43:08

I should also mention that apart from this, believe it or not he is actually the nicest person you would ever know. Everybody who knows him just can't speak highly enough of him. A kind, highly intelligent, quiet man.

KinkyAfro Wed 10-Feb-16 09:46:26

Nice men don't do this

HooseRice Wed 10-Feb-16 09:47:01

A kind man who sexually assaults you, regularly.

Sorry you are going through this flowers

LemonBreeland Wed 10-Feb-16 09:47:06

He may seem to be a 'nice' person, but the reality is he is sexually abusing you. What he is doing is a crime.

I would be thinking long and hard about how much you want to be in a relationship with a man who is violating you in this way, and clearly has no respect for you.

pillowaddict Wed 10-Feb-16 09:47:25

This is really, really not ok. You've told him you're uncomfortable, 'got mad' and he still does it - total lack of respect and care for your wishes. I would be certain that he has deleted every image and video and be having an extremely serious talk with him if not asking him to leave while you consider what you want to do. It is definitely not normal to do these things even if you do have a higher sex drive than your partner - and the website would be alarm bells ringing for me re cheating, or worse, looking to force you into a situation you are not interstellar in or comfortable with. He doesn't sound like he is a lovely person at all I'm afraid, please look out for yourself.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 09:47:37

OP, listen: THIS IS NOT OK.

He may be highly intelligent and quiet, but he is not kind. He is riding roughshod over your bodily autonomy, your right to consent, and he is treating you like a sex toy.

I couldn't willingly sleep next to (or with) someone who I know would violate me like this. Who knows who he's sharing these videos / photos with?

It is clearly NOT about his high sex drive - that's bullshit. He gets off on doing stuff to you WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. He gets off on treating you like an object, a fuck toy, a human porn experience. It's not because he "has needs".

Run a mile.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpySpaceCow Wed 10-Feb-16 09:48:42

He is sexually assaulting you. He is not nice. Just a thought but are you sure he keeps the videos and pictures to himself? I would be leaving him and contacting the police.

Stormtreader Wed 10-Feb-16 09:49:32

Have you actually sat down with him during the day and had a proper talk about it rather than getting mad? "I know youve been doing this and this, and it's not on. I also know youve joined x website looking for a threesome. This needs to stop."

If youre getting mad but then letting it go after he pulls a sad face then hes going to keep doing it, because youre letting him get away with it.

brassbrass Wed 10-Feb-16 09:49:38

it's already escalated!! can you not see this?

what if those pictures and video make it out into the public? how will you feel then?

he is creepy end of.

LineyReborn Wed 10-Feb-16 09:50:22

And he's probably posting videos of you being violated by him online.

Sorry. He's abusive. You need help. Are you ok?

thecatfromjapan Wed 10-Feb-16 09:53:16

He's not treating you like a real person, is he? You don't behave like that with people you recognise as living, breathing human beings, just like you, do you?
I've heard a philosophy Professor explain that notions of full (political) subjectivity should be partially suspended within marriage, so you could argue that, I guess.
However, I think it's utterly, utterly creepy. And so, I think, do you.
The question, now, I think, is for you to understand why and how your boundaries have been so eroded that you need outside support in order to acknowledge your own feelings of unease.

I suspect that the job of recognising and valuing your own feelings and boundaries may need time and support - against a background of your relationship continuing to undermine them.

I know it's a bit of a joke on mn that we say: 'Get counselling!' But you need it. You really do. It's the fact that you seem so distanced from your own immediate responses that concerns me. That kind of response doesn't happen overnight. It suggests that there is history here, that you may not have noticed. And it takes time to undo.

In the meantime, well, he needs to stop. But your problem is that you don't seem to have the means to make him. Consent, clearly, has no traction with him here.

Good luck.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 10-Feb-16 09:57:15

He is absolutely violating you. This is rape and abuse. And I would bet my bottom dollar, that he is uploading these images and videos on-line. So, if you don't mind other dirty old men masturbating over this, crack on.

It is irrelevant what he is like during the day (kind, highly intelligent, quiet). So was The Green River Killer. A charming man for the most part, but he was raping and killing women for years, without any suspicions from his wife.

Why are you allowing this vile behaviour to happen? Please get out.

KondosSecretJunkRoom Wed 10-Feb-16 09:58:51

How do you get to a point where you can consider a man who assaults you while you sleep as a nice man?

How can you consider a man who sulks and sobs when you tell him to stop assaulting you while you sleep as a nice man?

How do you get to a point where you think if you do x y and z then he might stop assaulting you while you sleep?

Because all these things a wrong, he's not nice and somehow he, and maybe other people in your life, have eroded all your boundaries that keep you safe.

Lollyz02 Wed 10-Feb-16 10:05:42

Hi ladies. Thank you for the fast response. I guess what everyone wrote here was what I was expecting. I guess a tiny part of me was hoping for someone to say, "it is ok, he is a normal man and after you have a good chat to him he will stop". Not the case clearly. I must also mention that we have two children. Mortgaged up to our eyeballs but live comfortably day to day. He earns a great wage and I do not. I know he would never touch the children (obviously then I would run a mile). And money shouldn't be a factor to stay in an abusive relationship. BUT when it all lays down in front of you, you need to think practically.

PippaHotamus Wed 10-Feb-16 10:05:49

Everybody who knows him just can't speak highly enough of him. A kind, highly intelligent, quiet man

That's what they said about Walter White. You probably know what happened there smile

It's sometimes the quiet ones you have to watch iyswim.

I don't think this is a very usual behaviour on the part of your husband. If you object to it, and he knows this, then to continue with it is really wrong.

He's basically putting his own sexual desires above your right to refuse. That's a sort of emotional rape, for want of a better word.

What do you think? Are you sure that you wish to remain in the relationship, with this going on?

I think I would be quite scared in your situation sad

PippaHotamus Wed 10-Feb-16 10:07:11

Sorry, I had the tab open from when you had only had one reply. But I am glad everyone else thinks it's bad, too.

There will probably be a lot of stuff you don't know about this man.

0dfod Wed 10-Feb-16 10:08:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosieReturningParker Wed 10-Feb-16 10:09:33

I think it's more sinister that he's "so nice and kind" to be honest.

OP I think you should call rape crisis or someone, I suspect you feel a lot worse about this than you're letting on. I imagine when it sinks in that what he's doing is vile you may well feel violated.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Feb-16 10:11:03

Practical considerations do not come into it; you are being violated sexually by this individual and continue to be so. You have also not consented. He will continue to do this, he gets power and control from it. Your children also pick up on all the unspoken vibes you show towards him; how can you look him at all in the eyes now knowing he has done this to you?.

Would you consider actually talking to the Police now about this; I realise he is your H and you have children but this is too serious a matter to just carry on and do nothing.

He has likely put these images online as well.

WorraLiberty Wed 10-Feb-16 10:11:33

He has a 'Sleep sex fetish'. Google it, it's a 'thing'.

He's repeatedly ignored you when you've told him stop. If there's one place you should feel safe, it's in your own bed.

Personally, I would be worrying about where the photos/videos are ending up, as there are tons of internet sites asking people for this sort of footage.

If you're not going to leave him (which imo you definitely should), at least insist he receives some sort of psychiatric therapy.

Whatdoidohelp Wed 10-Feb-16 10:12:23

How do you know your children are safe ? I find the whole thing disturbing and yes I agree with what others said - there is a chance your pics are online.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 10:13:07

I know he would never touch the children

Before the first time, did you "know" that he wouldn't violate you sexually while you slept and take images of you without your consent?

You're right, he probably gets off more on violating adults - sexual deviancy doesn't automatically equal pedophile - but you can't "know" anything about this man as he has hidden this side of himself very well so far.

If you can't leave him right now, start to make plans. And for FFS start sleeping in another room with a lock on the door. He has lost the privilege of sleeping next to you.

Otherwise, he can sleep next to you while handcuffed (both hands) to the headboard. No, I'm not joking. Although he'd probably start trying to manoeuvre his erect penis into you while you sleep instead.

Lollyz02 Wed 10-Feb-16 10:13:18

Also FYI I'm in Australia. I did not want to post in a forum here for privacy reasons). As for what I am going to do.... I'm going to talk to him tonight. He has never got mad at me, literally never, and has never hit me or anything like that. So quiet conversation is really the only thing we do. It is 8pm here so when the kids go to bed I guess I'll approach him about it. 😖

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