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drifting apart share your story, friend

(42 Posts)
timechoes Wed 10-Feb-16 09:08:08

I'm in a place I never thought would ever happen and have combed the net for experiences. Have name changed too, as this is so personal and a real shock. My best friend seems to have changed the rules of our relationship, and we have had a huge bust up.
It's hard to go into details on here, but my main reason for this post is too share and hopefully glean info and shared experiences when a person you thought would be there forever, and has been changes towards you.

The feelings i am having is that i have been judged harshly over time without knowing i was, so i feel i couldn't win. I know this is vague sorry.
Friends whose character has changed so much, because of what they are going thru, but now taking it out on you. That sort of thing.

I guess we feel our female long term close friendships are indestructable. They are the one we go to without question. Any thoughts?

dudsville Wed 10-Feb-16 09:19:47

Without knowing more details, and I'm not pressing to, I think you've given enough, I think I've been in this situation with probably a different context. A long term friend and I went our own ways last year. We went to university together and really clicked in so many ways, intellectually and had a great time together. She's the sort of person who's very social and has lots of friends, but over the years whenever we hung out in the group she increasingly monopolised me and made me and the rest feel that she was only interested in me, at my birthday she would give me an outrageously generous present. I moved to seeing her on a one to one basis to manage this side of the friendship that i found uncomfortable, and I think the friendship actually started to decline once I began "managing" the friendship. This is my account of what led up to the "break up", I imagine she was frustrated with me for ages too. It came to a head over something completely unrelated but allowed us to go our separate ways. I still miss her but not the angst and I understand from mutual friends that she feels similarly. Something just became too intense for a friendship.

janaus Wed 10-Feb-16 09:22:50

Not sure what to say. But I have just 'reconciled' with a friend, after a 15 year break, after falling out, due to her sons drug use and his threats. I was unable to support her.

timechoes Wed 10-Feb-16 09:36:11

do you both think that inner frustrations brewed up against you, I do. Yet it's hard when you don't know it is happening.

My friendship was for nearly a quarter of a century. The safe place if you like!
I'm in my late 30's, and we have been thru divorces, abuse etc. I thought we were still sharing equal woes etc, but apparently i only bother when it's about me. That's what i meant about rules, those unspoken ones. Whereby you just share. Good times, bad. I am running back thru all out texts and convos, and i have been there for her. She has had some terrible things happen too, but she became hard to approach and annoyed/defensive if i asked how things were. On the other hand we've also been having our usual laughs, and shared happy chats. She is in a sad home situation, and her tome with me over the last few months can be hurtful. I called her on it, and all hell ensued sad

timechoes Wed 10-Feb-16 09:38:25

tone*

Yoksha Wed 10-Feb-16 10:09:41

Hi there timechoes. Didn't want to read and run. I'm not good with friendships. Most of mine have been users and manipulators. I've recently left a cult after 32yrs, so most of my "friends" have been conditional, except one. We've been close for 30yrs. She left the cult the same time as me. I did voice to her that I feared that we would have nothing in common. She was horrified. Only time will tell.

Maybe your friend has unrecognised issues and not being honest with herself and you. Have you got the mental energy to go there ? As far as I know a healthy friendship should be honest, making compromises, give and take, odd sacrifices, being there, recognising or appreciating boundaries if and when they change and just making you feel "hey" when you've been together. A simle cup of tea and a catchup could be needed at times, others, more proverbial hand wringing and tears.

Maybe it's just run its course, and this is sad. flowers for you, because you at least are trying to address it. Don't beat yourself up.

timechoes Wed 10-Feb-16 11:11:42

glad you were able to voice your concern, communication is key. I hope you both find a way forward, good luck.

There is no doubt there are underlying issues, yet her manner towards me has horrified me tbh, almost like a bully. It hurts alot, and i am now realising that actually it's been like this for some months.
I'm feeling things towards her i don't want too, which is so different to how i am used to feeling. Angry too.

timechoes Wed 10-Feb-16 19:47:28

evening bump

Iwonderif Wed 10-Feb-16 20:00:19

I was once told that people come into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. I hold that saying very close as I "lost" a friendship 10 years ago. I went through a significant loss and my friend of 26 years simply wasn't there for me. Sadly though made out to all around her that she had been my rock. I was deeply hurt as were our other friends. She tried to make contact last year via FB through DH. I declined. That friendship was for a season and not a lifetime which took me by surprise but looking back it was very much one sided but I was blinded by the fact I thought so much of her.

I wish you all the very best OP. I know it's very tricky and it's also sad. It may have run its course OR it may not & you both just need a bit of time apart.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 10-Feb-16 20:07:56

No idea if this is relevant, but my Best Friend's attitude changed towards me. She really cooled. The reason? She was sleeping with my Husband.

He's not my Husband any more. grin

doeraeme Wed 10-Feb-16 20:12:18

I had a very close friend who suddenly decided that we weren't close friends any more but omitted to tell me. it was a huge head screw for me because I knew she was being off with me but whenever i asked her about it she said i was imagining things. I should have waked away but instead tried to stay friends with her until about 6 months down the line when we had a drunken row and she said i'd been annoying her for months but that 'you don't tell people that they are annoying you'. I still don't know what made her change her opinion of me in the first place, although i have my suspicions.

Iwantakitchen Wed 10-Feb-16 20:23:07

Strange that, I thought about posting something similar. I am a bit of a loner, naturally enjoy my own company, work on my own, and I don't make friends easily. I have a couple of long term girl friends, one which is more recent but she is half my age so we have a lot in common but also a lot of differences.

Anyway, this one person, a bit of a queen bee I suppose, someone with lots of friends, suddenly came into my life about three years ago. She would knock on my door at every opportunity, I was the first person she'd come to if she was in trouble, we went out loads and shared life stories.

Then about 6 months ago, she somehow moved on, made another friend, and left me dry. She doesn't return my text, and as far as I can tell she just got bored with me. She has lots of other friends, who now probably know all about my personal stuff.

However, I don't have your courage and I haven't spoken to her about it. I don't know if it's because I am too proud, or don't want to admit that she was using me, but she has left a big gap and I am struggling with what happened. I actually feel that she has betrayed me and I will not trust another friend again, I told her stuff I have never told anyone else ever.

So what I am staying to say is that it happens, and I am trying to focus on moving on, finding other interests, and hoping that she has the decency to keep my secrets quiet.

timechoes Wed 10-Feb-16 20:49:21

i think confronting these things comes in many forms, and is somehow really hard to do, which is weird given we normally share so much with our friends.

It's like we agreed on everything in the world, for many years and now we don't, and that thing is us.

I feel rather lost. Must move on, or at least give it some time, but i feel betrayed and am sad because i don't think we will be the same even if we do talk again. Her resentment towards me is unbearable.

Resilience16 Thu 11-Feb-16 09:43:38

Reading between the lines, maybe if your friend is in a shit situation at home, she may be trying to minimise it to herself. You asking about it makes it real again for her, which then makes her angry (at the situation) but you get it in the neck as she lashes out at you.
Not saying this is right or ok. I would say the best way forward would be to say you are there for her if she needs you, but then back off. It is always sad to lose a friend but you can't be her emotional punchbag.

timechoes Thu 11-Feb-16 10:05:28

thankyou, it helps to see this written down. I have felt that her situation is an ongoing unspoken heartache for her. Genuinely haven't known when or if to ask, and i know she has been desp for it to get better.

I have looked at my actions, or what I've been accused of and it is true that i phone her as much as ever, but she doesn't ring me. If i call and tell her my stuff, it's only because we always have. iyswim, and she has been supportive. I would hope that on those calls that any issues she has had, that she has felt like she could share have also been listened to by me.

To be told i only ring to talk about my stuff has knocked me over, because over the last few months she hasn't bothered ringing, checking in very much, but i didn't mind as it's always been ok with us. We just 'do' what we do.
I am very sorry if I have come across that way to her. From going over our convos etc the last few months, i thought we were ok, Still laughing, still 'getting' each other.
Just don't know what to do. x

HandyWoman Thu 11-Feb-16 10:46:39

timechoes I been in exactly the same situation as you. The dynamic changed because of both of our issues. We had a very strong/intense friendship for 25yrs. But in the end it couldn't survive the recent changes. She is very hurt, I am very bewildered. I posted about it on here recently. Can't link because i'm on my mobile. I'm surprised how ok I feel although I do miss the friendship.

timechoes Thu 11-Feb-16 10:56:52

Handywoman, I'm sorry to hear you have had a similar thing happen. I will look for your post, and hope you are getting on ok. I have times of calm and am also surprised by the feeling of i can do without this. I will treasure what we did have. x

timechoes Sat 13-Feb-16 09:37:05

just coming back to the thread, if anyone has any expereinces or wisdom x

regretsihaveafew Sat 13-Feb-16 13:59:48

Not much advice or wisdom here, just to say people [their priorities, attitudes and circumstances] change no matter what age they are, or how long the friendship has been. And sometimes things cannot be changed back. It has to take two to be willing to sort differences out and an apology/ies needed. At least one person admitting to their behaviour.

I walked away from a friend of 60 years [we met as 6 year olds]. She has always been quite selfish and self important [but I could put up with that], and had many more friends than me, lived abroad etc.
When she returned to this country and visited recently she had changed....waspish, bitter, gossipy, full of her importance, envious....and proceeded to criticise the spread I'd put on for her, slandered my ex husband [she did not know him, met him once and I have no problem with him!], and ran down my home town.

Not on, very hurtful, and I asked for an apology months later when I'd calmed down still fuming and got none. Friendship over. It happens. I'd be a doormat if I put up with her [personal] remarks.

timechoes Sat 13-Feb-16 19:29:31

thankyou, i am sorry your friend seemed so alien to you. Did you have a long distance relationship?
I wonder if that has contirbuted to ours declining, amongst the changes, as we have always been on other sides of the world for the majority of our friendship.

Did you have alot of contact? We used to call at least twice a week. I don't know. It's weird not knowing what she's thinking. x

timechoes Wed 17-Feb-16 10:35:43

just checking in, still in limbo really.

fuddle Thu 18-Feb-16 21:40:18

I have had this happen a couple of times, once it turned out the woman was a lesbian and wanted more but I didn't have a clue. The second occasion a friend stopped speaking and it was very hurtful but eventually you move on. You realise there are people like that in the world. I have an even more horrific fall out from a 'friend' who I even fixed a boyfriend up for her. She used to live with me, came home from work physically attacked me. I think she had anger issues and was very jealous of her boyfriends (my friends friendship and that was all it was) She managed to turn him against me. Not a nice experience.

sarahlou75 Thu 18-Feb-16 21:55:54

Hi Time, I'm in exactly the same position as you. My best friend of 11years has walked out of my life. We didn't live in each other's pockets and we have supported each other through some pretty horrible crappiness in both our lives. But I've been told she no longer feels comfortable with me. That I'm not there for her. She's fed up of my drama. Right up to last week there were funny texts, laughing and joking. Im gutted and hurt by the things she said. I can't explain it, but it's worse than a break up. You invest so much of yourself and trust in a long friendship. But I guess like all relationships they aren't always forever. Just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Caramelslice Thu 18-Feb-16 22:08:43

It happened to me too. Cut me off and shut me out without an explanation. I made a fool of myself for about a year trying to sort it out, put it right... While she rolled her eyes behind my back and said she didn't know what I was talking about. Awful.

No one talks about being dumped by a friend but it's actually devastating. It really knocked my confidence, made me feel very unsure of my own behaviour when socialising. I think it's a bit like grief, you go through phases - disbelief, denial, anger etc. I've hypothesised every possible reason why she dropped me. Interrogating yourself like that is horrid. Now I realise that good friends accept you along with a few imperfections, which I know I have, i eventually got to a place where I realised she didn't deserve to be my friend, but I still think about it. Tbh, I think it's just time to get past it.

HandyWoman Thu 18-Feb-16 22:12:17

timechoes in case you didn't find my post regarding my recent breakup with my ex best friend, it's here

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