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Just really angry - total overreaction??(15 Posts)
So the big thing is that DH and I never have sex. Like once a year. Not my choice. It's a massive problem but I haven't had brain space for it as life has been a bit of a struggle with moving countries, small kids and MH problems (mine, mostly resolved now - I had depression and anxiety problems).
I've brushed it under the carpet, but I think it's bubbling out. I'm constantly furious and resentful with him. I feel like I do more that my share with the kids / house.
We've set a rule this DS is not allowed iPad time during the week as he's always grumpy and unengaged with the rest of there family when he has it. Following the rule is hard, but there has been a massive change in DS' behaviour since we started doing it.
Except whenever DH is in charge, he just hands over the iPad (even though we both agreed not to do this) and then DS invariably has a massive meltdown. Which he did tonight.
And he fucking drank the glass of wine that I was saving till after the kids went to bed, meaning that he's had most of a bottle. I specifically told him I was saving it. It's been a stressful day and I was hoping we could sit down and have dinner and a nice chat and unwind.
Do I sound like a loon? I'm conscious that there are people on here with real problems - I'm just so fucking fed up.
You realise that none of these things are related?
The sex thing, although a problem- doesn't appear to be a huge problem as admittedly you haven't been in the right headspace.
Ipad thing is annoying- would definitely have a conversation about.
Wine- if you specifically said - hold off this is my wine then fine. But if it was a shared bottle or whatnot then there's not really an argument there.
If the ipad and wine thing are really getting you down then I'd suggest that maybe there's an underlying issue that you're not dealing with
Yeah. I think whenever I am annoyed with him, I just think 'well, there's that ... AND WE NEVER HAVE SEX'
We hardly talk to each other in the evenings. Just disappear off into our separate corners.
oh and it was my wine. In my glass. Which I said I was saving.
It's not that I didn't want sex, even when miserable and depressed, it's just that being constantly rejected is a tad humiliating, so I've stopped trying.
And now I'm sitting here crying and wanting to leave him because he drank my wine. I think you're right, maybe there's some stuff I'm not dealing with here
It's not about the wine (although I would lose my shit over that) it's more that your DH is rejecting you and disregarding you. Sounds like you need a serious talk to assess whether the marriage can be saved.
Newname36 you are not overreacting.
It hardly looks like a partnership.
So you are doing more than your share in the house.
And he is not supporting you. In fact he is undermining you and handling the Ipad to DS when clearly it does affect DS badly.
And to top this up, you don't get any sex.
It does not look like a picture of a happy and equal relationship.
Just wondering what there is for you in this relationship?
The things are totally related
The iPad and the wine are examples of him not listening or respecting you
The general anger you feel is because he's sexually withholding and you are angry and resentful, understandably.
Time to address it?
But what do I say? I've come to realise over the past few years that 'I'm upset because we never have sex' is not much of an aphrodisiac.
I don't even really want to have sex with him anymore. I'm just sad that we don't.
There are reasons I stay with him. He is clever and funny and kind. Tonight he brought me pancakes and now he is folding the washing.
I just don't know what to say to him. Whenever I raise grievances, he gets defensive and I feel like I'm whining.
Sounds as if the overarching theme is that he has no respect for you or your wishes.
You don't want kid to have iPad, too bad.
You reserve that glass of wine, too bad.
You want sex, too bad.
I imagine being in a relationship like this feels like you are shouting and no sound comes out - like he doesn't even see you any more much less respects you it find you attractive.
You aren't over reacting. I think this relationship is in its death throes.
What do you want to happen, OP?
But what do I say?
You say what you've said here: You are "clever and funny and kind." I really appreciate that you "brought me pancakes." "I'm sad that we don't have sex any more." We need to communicate better. "I just don't know what to say to you. Whenever I raise grievances, you get defensive and I feel like I'm whining."
Your words, OP. It seems to me like you know exactly what to say, but you may be afraid that once it's out there, you can't take it back, and you won't have sole ownership: he may have views and things he's suppressing too.
I think your relationship needs some honest communication and that might be quite painful for both of you, but it can be done with kindness.
Forget the iPad crap - that's minuscule compared to the MAJOR problems in your relationship. Why is he rejecting your sexual advances. There are very few reasons men do this.... They are almost exclusively the following 1. He is shagging someone else - but worse, he loves her and feels disloyal....2. Having had a baby (you) have moved from lover (in his eyes) to mother... And he can't have sex with 'a mother'...(sorry , no way back from this one)...3. He has serious MH problems and is taking anti psychotics which course ed... Or 4. He has ed and can't admit it...easier to just refuse ...which is it OP ?
I think option 4, although he's never really been that into it. I knew this, but (sorry if it sounds like I'm making excuses) I came from a home where there were violence and MH issues and I was so relieved to have found someone gentle, safe and kind. I was very scared to be alone in my 20's.
Regardless of the reason, the situation isn't going to improve by itself. But you have some positives to work with: you've listed a number of really positive attributes that he has, and I'm sure he could do the same with you. Work with those to speak to each other kindly and respectfully.
Maybe - just as a way to start discussion - write things down so that you can convey what you want to in measured terms. This also means that he gets the chance to absorb and to think without any defensive retreating and slamming of doors.
One thing is clear, without communication the marriage is over. So, you might as well give it a go. It might be that, in the end, it's over anyway, but you'll have tried, and I think that might be important to you and to your children further along the line.
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