Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

dont know what to do next?

59 replies

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:00

Trying to put all this in a nutshell........
Im a single mum mid 40s with a DS.
No real relationships for 10 years. The odd few disastrous ones!
For nearly 18 years there has been a guy in my life who I met through work. His history is one serious ex with whom he has a child with (14 years old) and who is now 'buying him out' of their joint property as he wants to buy somewhere for himself. We started to get close just after my ex cheated on me 10years ago. He was back and forth to his ex, I dont think he knew what he wanted, and she made things quite difficult to see his child if he didnt 'toe the line'.

Anyway for a good few years he has been telling me he loves me, wants to be with me. Tells me how beautiful i am daily in texts. I feel as though we are in a full time virtual relationship as he wont actually commit and tell me how he really feels and follow things through!

Met up with him at the weekend didnt sleep with him, it stirs up all my feelings for him. Then he goes cold. I know he is defo looking for a place by himself but he is still close with his ex, too close for my liking? He says how he hasnt slept with her for years yet only last year they went on holiday together? Albeit a huge gang of them and he says they didnt even share a room? I texted him this morning and again poured my heart out and said I am not prepared anymore to be intimate with him until I know its definately going somewhere? Whats the point? Im too long in the tooth now to piss about. I want to know we have a future? He wont give me a definate answer and texts back something sexual so i told him I give up, I told him everything he told me he wants, a nice woman, security, etc, is here on a plate for him I just need to know where I stand? I ended the conversation saying 'thats it, Im done now'............ I havent heard from him since. Ive deleted his number so I cant keep texting him. What do i do next? I do love him, as I say hes been in my life a long long time and I feel no other man will get a look in whilst he is in the picture.

OP posts:

Report

Duckdeamon · 09/02/2016 16:02

He is clearly not single, and you have been the OW for a long time: not a great set-up.

Duckdeamon · 09/02/2016 16:03

Take a long break from him!

ImperialBlether · 09/02/2016 16:03

Oh god, why did you say you were there on a plate for him? He doesn't know what he wants, does he? You're right to delete his number but you should have blocked it first because this guy will try to mess you around still.

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:05

Thanks for your replies. It's the most fucked up situation it really is? I know his 'ex'. I know he does live with his mum and I know he is wanting out of the property him and the ex have. If they were still together surely this wouldn't be happening?

OP posts:

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:07

Imperial I said that the situation he told me he wants is here on a plate, because it IS? I want him to know how I feel as I say I'm of an age where I want to lay my feelings out and say exactly what I want.

OP posts:

Livingforlove · 09/02/2016 16:08

So you have been having an affair all this time while he is still living with his partner and child.

I think after 10 years it would have moved on by now. And don't excuse him by saying he wanted to see his dc. His child is a teenager not a toddler.

Honestly you would be mad to prolong this any longer.

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:09

Livingforlove he isn't living with her. He lives with his folks. It's really fucked up tho, he stays at hers (she works shifts) as there is no room at his mums for him and his son. That's weird right?

OP posts:

TwatMagnet · 09/02/2016 16:10

I hate when I see people say this because it seems rather harsh - but I'm afraid in your case it's true. He's just not that into you. He's not is he? Or he'd be making some effort but why should he when it's there for him on a plate whenever he feels like it and when he doesn't he can just go AWOL. Nothing about this relationship is good for you no matter how long he's been in your life.
You did right to dump his number. Now do some work on you because you're the one that matters. One life - don't live it in misery hanging on for scraps from someone who doesn't really give a shit. It's time it was all about you!

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:14

I know he will text me, maybe tonight, maybe in a few days, and I know it'll be as tho nothing has been said today. It'll be something like 'how are you today beautiful '

It's so confusing? I know he's not that into me ( love the phrase and the film!!!) but then he texts me daily to say how he loves me etc. And the last time we slept together was a year ago so it's not like he's coming round just for sex? As I say it's all very 'virtual'?

OP posts:

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:14

So he appears to be 'into me' but then when pushed....... He isn't?

OP posts:

BlondeOnATreadmill · 09/02/2016 16:15

It's way too complicated.

You need a fresh start, with someone who doesn't have all this angst filled history.

If he wanted to be with you - properly with you - then he would be. He would have been with you for many years - since his other relationship broke down, as that was your opening wasn't it? Both single? What stopped him?

He may have been in your life a long time, but he's never been your Partner, has he? My Dad, my brother-in-law, my Son and my male friends have "been in my life for a long time". It's not hard, is it?

At mid 40's, yes you are too long in the tooth for this, so well done for deleting his number.

Throw yourself into dating and forget this absolute time waster.

If you still had his number in your phone, I'd be telling you to make his screen photo a piece of Tumbleweed.

WickedWax · 09/02/2016 16:15

His actions don't match his words. You've been the OW for 10 years.

If he has split with his ex and supposedly lives with his mum then there's no reason why he can't openly be with you. I wonder if the ex has found out about you and has kicked him out.

You're trying to find excuses for him (she made things quite difficult to see his child if he didnt 'toe the line') but bottom line is, he's not that into you, he's keeping you on the backburner, simmering nicely.

When he gets in touch (which he undoubtedly will) use the opportunity to block his number so he can't contact you again.

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:18

Blonde Thankyou. My history of dating is dire. I joined two dating sites and in a year not ONE date as nobody who's messaged me has caught my attention it's so hard. And I feel while he is still under my skin nobody stands a chance.

OP posts:

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:21

Wicked as I say I know his ex sh if she had ' found out ' I'd have known. Honestly it's so hard to describe the situation unless you know us? It's so complicated and fucked up! I've told him exactly that, that I am single and he is single, so why aren't we together? It's so complex I can't even explain his answers? Other than he is trying to get his own place but it takes time and yes he sees me in his future??? My reasoning is why aren't we together now? I can't get a definate answer???

OP posts:

TwatMagnet · 09/02/2016 16:23

I'm curious. Just exactly how complex can it be OP? Can you go into that a bit?

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:25

I don't know what to do, I'm weak, I'm lonely and my confidence is low. This man is s very good looking man, exactly the right sense of humour I go for etc. We do the same job which needs a strong personality which we both have. I just don't know what to do!

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 16:25

You've got your answer though - if he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:26

Twat what do you want to know? Honestly I'm trying to think how to explain it all and without writing a ten page essay I'm struggling lol xx

OP posts:

WickedWax · 09/02/2016 16:26

You can't get a definite answer from him because he knows the truthful answer from him, will mean that you won't probably won't want to keep yourself available to him 'on a plate'.

He's had 10 years of "seeing you in his future", are you going to give him another 10 years?

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:27

Costa yes you're right but then I know he'll be texting in the near future telling me how he loves me and how wonderful I am!!!!

OP posts:

Livingforlove · 09/02/2016 16:27

After ten years why is he looking for his own place? Surely if he was serious about you, you would be setting up home together.

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:28

Living yes it's so odd? It's all just words isn't it? He tells me all this but then doesn't follow it thru ? What do you guys think is the best course of action when he inevitably texts?

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 16:29

Ignore, ignore, ignore

Jan45 · 09/02/2016 16:31

OP wise up, it's not complicated, it's simple really, give yourself some self worth, the guy has been stringing you along for years, and you are still offering yourself up on plate - yes it's good to express your feelings, but for this idiot, you must be mad, he probably is texting various women giving them the same old bullshit.

If he wanted a relationship with you, you'd have had it by now, move on, stop wasting your time, no matter how good looking he is, he's treating you like crap.

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:31

That's the hard bit. I do love him and I know you lot will think I'm mad but as I say it's not like I'm inundated!! My confidence is low, I'm
Lonely xx

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.