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Is this just my insecurities rearing their head?(7 Posts)
I've name changed to post this as I'm honestly really embarrassed to be posting this at my age, I'm no spring chicken!!
Background is I had a very dysfunctional upbringing, I realise now my mother had severe emotional/mental problems. This would manifest itself in her always expecting me to be "perfect" if I was anything less she would threaten to pack her bags and leave because I was so "bad" or pack my bags and send me to a childrens' home. My father was never interested in me, I was frequently told I was a "mistake".
Neither parent ever showed me any affection in any form.
Despite all this I think I've done OK in life, however in the last few years, especially in my relationships, well what passes as relationships, I have always had deep anxieties especially concerning being abandoned.
It's not helped that anyone I have ever been close to has hurt me badly by letting me down, my ExH cheated on me with someone I considered a friend.
Recently I've met someone who I thought was really nice.
To get it out of the way I'm a fair bit older than him! Nonetheless he was very keen and we have been seeing each other for about 3 months now.
But anxieties are beginning to creep in, he works long hours but he does make a huge effort to see me during the week and (usually) most weekends, this means he stays at my flat roughly 3/4 nights a week. He is divorced and sees his kids every 3 weeks and has them all weekend, I've not met them yet.
Lately I've felt very "sidelined" - not by his kids I hasten to add, they are of course his main priority and I would think less of them if they were not. But by the fact that if his friend or his dad want him to spend time with him I've been dropped regardless of any plans we have made. For example it was "very important" according to his dad that my bf go to a discount store with him so he left me on Sunday morning, my only day off, to take him only to find when he went to collect him he had "forgotten". I don't think his dad disapproves of his son's older GF and is deliberately vying for his attention to wind me up. I'm never included in any trips to see his dad and in fact even though I bought his dad's birthday gift I was pointedly told his small birthday get together was "family only" - slightly unnecessary as there is only my bf as family - I think he meant you're not welcome, not that I would have dreamed of gatecrashing anyway.
My bf also has let me down when he has promised to take me anywhere, we were meant to go for a meal 3 weeks ago but I'm still waiting as he always makes other plans. My negative inner voice keeps saying he's treating me like a fuck-buddy not a girlfriend.
I know this is all mental and I'm hoping posters will tell me these are all just my issues coming to the surface. I just wish all these dark thoughts would vanish but i'm so scared of being let down again that I think I project too far into the future and I'm on the defensive right away.
Sorry for the long post - now tell me I'm paranoid!
I think you are right to feel 'sidelined'. Perhaps he doesn't feel for you the way you do for him?
It's been 3 months. I think you are being too needy for this early stage I'm afraid.
OK, its early days but who makes plans when they already have plans, without caring about cancelling?
I would't expect a friend to do that to me, never mind a boyfriend in the honeymoon phase.
You are clearly not a priority here. I'd encourage you to get out and engage with some interests. It would be good to meet new people and have a decent relationship them.
He doesn´t sound very committed, I´m afraid. It sounds like you feel more for him than he does for you. Have you told him how it makes you feel when he makes other plans and drops you like a stone? And asked him why he sees fit to do that?
Because that is really disrespectful behaviour regardless if you´re a partner, friend, whatever. Decent people just don´t treat others like that! This is basic manners we´re talking about FFS!
I think your assessment that he views you as a ¨Fuck Buddy¨ may be quite accurate, unfortunately. I wouldn´t call him Serious Boyfriend Material, personally.
Thanks for the replies, it's good to get other people's perspective on a situation especially when you can't trust your own judgement.
I think I should add that he does seem quite committed, he always talks about our future together. I think, like me, he is a people-pleaser so he can't say no to anyone. I think he thinks because we spend time together during the week I will be ok with him going off at the weekend. He has said in the past that he struggles to keep everyone happy.
That sounds terrible, of course he can see whom he wants, but it's just he seems to forget he has already made plans with me. He does forget everything unless he writes things down!
I'm not making excuses for him, I'm just trying to make sense of things.
I'm seeing him on Thursday night, we have plans for this Sunday (Valentine's Day) he did warn me he may be called into work which is ok. I do know his employers operate a "if you don't work when we want you're first in line for redundancy" policy so I can see his predicament there BUT if he has VOLUNTEERED to work that's a whole different story.
I think I will ask him to leave and let me think if i want to proceed with the relationship as he doesn't seem to take my feelings into account.
Actions are much more important than words. You say he 'talks' about the future, but that means nothing I'm afraid <bitter experience>
His behaviour is indicative of someone who isn't actually v committed at all.
There is a term for guys who give it all the talk and suck you into a false sense of security, and that is 'future fakers'. I have dated many of these men. They are to be avoided like the plague.
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