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I have messed it up completed now

(15 Posts)
Tingatingatale Tue 09-Feb-16 07:44:41

I have been married for a very long time. Me and my husband sleep in separate rooms and haven't had sex in over a year. We have no affection and literally share a house. I told him last month I was done but he won't accept it.

On the weekend I slept with a friend. She is gay and we have been friends for a while and have a very good friendship but nothing sexual. She discounted it straight away as being drunk. My head is all over the place now as I can't stop thinking about it

What do I do now?confusedblushwine

Iamdobby63 Tue 09-Feb-16 09:55:01

Is it your husbands choice to sleep in separate beds?

If you really feel your marriage is over then your husband will have no choice but to accept it.

I suggest you first deal with the issue of your marriage and then explore other possibilities.

TheNaze73 Tue 09-Feb-16 11:04:38

You've cheated on your husband, addressing that has to be your priority

goddessofsmallthings Tue 09-Feb-16 11:41:42

Follow your friend's lead and chalk up what took place to you both being drunk and you being starved of affection.

As you have a marriage in name only it's down to you to decide whether you want to continue the farce or take steps to end it, which you can do either via solicitors or online* while sharing the marital home with your husband.

With regard to you having had sex with another party, the law takes the view that a spouse who has a sexual relationship with a member of the same sex has not committed adultery although, of course, the 'wronged' spouse could use it to substaniate their petition to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.


AuntieAcid Tue 09-Feb-16 12:03:50

Agree with goddesses first sentence.

How old are you OP? Would your husband be upset if he Knew about it-or would he not really care?
Would you care if he had an affair?

Would you both be content with a brother/sister type relationship where you both have separate lives-or do you need to separate so that you can both move on and find a more fulfilling relationship?

Tingatingatale Tue 09-Feb-16 14:21:22

Thanks all.

I have cheated on him. I would be devastated if he did the same. That is what is tearing me up.

I am only 39. I do not want to live in a sexless marriage without any affection. He chooses to sleep in the spare room as we have children that wake in the night and he doesn't like to be disturbed.

It happened because I am unhappy. I can't even look at him at the moment.

AuntieAcid Tue 09-Feb-16 18:53:51

Saying that you had been married for a very long time led me to think you might be much older. This is no way for you to live. (flowers)

pocketsaviour Tue 09-Feb-16 18:56:16

It sounds like you still love him if you say you would be devastated if he cheated. Do you think he would consider counselling?

Gobbolino6 Tue 09-Feb-16 18:59:26

Did you cheat on him? You say you'd told him you were done but he didn't accept it. What was the end result of that conversation?

Tingatingatale Tue 09-Feb-16 20:18:24

I told him I was done and he asked me to reconsider. Also that he would not move out anyway. A month later we we in limbo. Nothing has changed. We barely speak to each other. We just look after the children jointly

I said I would be devastated if he cheated on me as in the 21 years we have been together it has been something We have swore we would never do.

It won't go any further with my friend but has made me realises that I have got a sex drive and I do want affection

Tingatingatale Tue 09-Feb-16 20:21:33

In answer to one of the other posts. I don't think I love him anymore and also can't imagine sleeping with him. My feelings have gone, too much has happened

mum2mum99 Tue 09-Feb-16 20:58:45

You seem all over the place.
So option 1 is the marriage fixable? If the feelings are gone it looks unlikely.
option2: you separate. Is this the only option left? I get this impression from reading your post. In this case you need to set to work, contact a lawyer and consider your finances.
As far as the OW is concerned it might not be the best time to start something new in this mess, but then that's for you to decide.

Tingatingatale Tue 09-Feb-16 21:51:44

I don't think it's fixable. He seems happy to just carry on. We're not massively unhappy. We're not screaming and shouting. There is a terrible atmosphere though and we don't like each other never mind love each other.

It's not good for my kids.

I need to take the next move and just make him listen

HeddaGarbled Tue 09-Feb-16 22:15:31

Or just get on with divorcing him if he won't listen. Not having sex for over a year could be one of your examples of unreasonable behaviour.

I would advise seeing a solicitor and then get the wheels in motion.

I can understand him not wanting to move out if it's you that wants the divorce and not him and if you look after the children jointly. Shared care can carry on after the divorce, just in two separate residences rather than the marital one.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 09-Feb-16 22:41:08

If you don't love him, and you're 'done' with the marriage, all bets are off and I really don't understand why would you be devastated if he cheated on you after you've cheated on hiim. Surely you'd see it as an even-steven situation, even if you chose not divulge your night of passion with your gay friend?

You're far too young to be stuck in a loveless marriage, and more especially when you know full well that the toxic atmosphere in your home is harmful to your dc who deserve a lot more from their dps than this sorry state of affairs.

There's obviously far more to this than you've disclosed here but, regardless of what has gone before, you must act to bring about positive change to the lives of your dc and yourself.

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